She looked at me like I was crazy, which meant I was on higher ground for the time being.
"Do you know when your drunk you beg to fuck me?" She snapped.
Fuck me, higher ground my ass. She's right up there with me, but not for long. "Oh, I don't gotta be drunk. It's pretty fuckin constant these days."
That got her. I watch her chest go pink, and her ears before it hits her cheeks. I know I fuck with her head when I tell her, fearless that I want her. I hate myself for it. "Want to help me understand or just sit and humiliate me further?" She asks me, her eyes pinning me.
"I never want to humiliate you Bright." And I don't. The thought of hurting her, stirs up a shit ton of emotions I cannot handle.
She laughs in frustration not humor.
"Could have fooled me" She says and looks to her coffee for the answers I should be giving her. I don't know if it's a moment of weakness or if I am really thinking of what Jen said. But I see that house, I see me dividing it and I see her getting hurt again and again, but I can't shut up.
"The only people worthy of humiliation are those that find joy in others embarrassment." I look at her then and take her hand even though she tried to not let me. "I would sooner end my life than to purposely hurt you for my pleasure. See, I have been on my knees, bloody and beaten and forced to see things I wish I could forget, for even a day. I would never hurt you for my own gain. You might think I am a dick or a player, but that woman you watched me with last night?"
I pause to see her reaction of me bringing it up so vividly, but her eyes are trained on me as she takes in every word. This moment I have given her more than I have this entire time, and though she recalls me making her come in one foolish moment, it is here she meets the real Noah.
"That woman was an attempt to forget." I take her phone and give her a look to relax before I find what I am looking for.
Google, making it impossible to forget with just a few strokes of a keyboard.
Thanks for that fuckers.
I look at the image on the screen, my heart flutters in a ruthless way and I close my eyes handing Bright her phone.
"That's Candey Love True." I don't say anymore because I can see she knows what I am getting at. There is no way I can describe her, she is just her and she was Candey sweet, love pure, and true to me in every way. There is no way to describe that.
"I wanted a moment, one fucking moment to pretend." I shake my head and drink from my coffee to avoid choking on anymore words.
"And she was who you wanted to forget with?"
Here is that crossroads that Jen talked about. Do I go to the right or to the left? I know the path I'm on will destroy me for different reasons than any needle could.
"I thought I could, I thought it would work, but there was no way she could pass for Candey. Her tattoos were jacked hideous, her tone was raspy… and the whole time I was with her… girl I wanted to see you beneath me." I shake my head and send up a silent prayer that Candey knows I am sorry for betraying her.
"Noah…" She says, unable to find the right words.
Neither can I so we both drink from our coffee.
"I just wanted you to know that I am not trying to hurt you Bright. There's a reason I avoid you and try to keep things professional." I look at her hoping my words reach her how I need them too.
"I appreciate your being honest with me, but if I can be honest as well?" Her tone has taken on something similar to arrogant, yet not as pissy, but just as snooty.
"Yeah, I'm all ears." I tilt my head slightly and look at her with mild curiosity.
"I think it’s strange that from the minute we met at Paradox Ink there has been this underlying need in us both. For me, yeah I admit I am attracted to you, there is no denying it. You don't deny your attraction to me, you never have. In the four weeks I have known you, I have been simultaneously turned on and offended, hurt and cherished and been begged, and denied. I don't know how that is professional, how last night was professional, but hey,Ican be professional."
She stands up and looks at me with resentment and I admit, I am as scared as I was when she packed her shit to go to Cassa. "We will continue step work daily and of course I am here to the end, I will see this out despite my better judgment. Consider this your lesson on accountability for today. You finally told me where I stand and did so in painfully cruel way, but I have learned it all the same. Congrats Noah I am proud, but kindly go fuck yourself."
"Bright…" I reach for her hand before I will let her walk away. "You're not getting it. I am not trying to make this harder for you, or drag you along." Her back is to me and I want so bad to stand, say fuck it and kiss a path of forgive me's up her neck… Instead, I am halted, heart stopped when she looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"I don't deny my feelings for you Noah. I feel sad that you are sad. I feel bad for you, that you can't see past your insecurities as they are blindingly clear. I am sad that you want me, for more than my attractiveness, but play it off like I am only fuckable because you cannot stand the other option. What you failed to see, what you failed to get from the last four weeks of ass sniff? Is that I never had a motive nor did I have the intention to compete or replace a ghost." I feel that pain roll in, but push it down unwilling to let anyone see, least of all her.
"So please stop dumping me because it hurts more every time you do it, and I am tired of watching you suffer for my pain."