Now, the inner bitch that was handed a silver spoon at birth wanted to tell them I was not interested and bail out. The other side of me, the better side that wasn’t entitled or demanding sat in the chair across from the large oak desk and waited to see why on earth they were looking for addiction sponsors.
I look at the pictures on her desk, a few of them have Tayla in them and clearly she is with clients in them. One of the guys in a few of the pictures must be her husband or something because there are various photos of them together with what look like their son.
My heart warms toward her immediately because you can see the love in her eyes, it’s a presence in her smile. I vaguely wonder if I will ever find anything like that, but am swiftly reminded of why I belong with no one and never will.
I have my best friend Raleigh, successful businesses and money to last me three lifetimes. I am somewhat self obsessed with shopping and designer clothes, pretty things. But what I spend on me I give back to my small town of Yorba Linda in any way I can.
“So I probably have you wondering why we were posting in addiction anonymous forums?” Tayla asked as she leaned back in her chair across from me, Carrie beside me.
“Can't lie.” I say with nervous laughter. “ I answered the add because I want to help but I didn’t know it was for something like this. I assumed it was someone needing anonymity and nothing more.”
Carrie and Tayla both share a knowing look to one another before looking at me. “Do you know who my brother is Bright?” Carrie asks as she twists the lid off a smart water.
“I feel like this is a trick question.” I say and tuck my long hair behind my ear waiting for the punch line that doesn’t come, realizing that I am bombing this interview. Recovering addicts aren’t interviewed for sponsorship because most of us hate being judged or on display and this feels like an interview.
“Noah is the bass guitarist for Thick as Thieves. He has a file bigger than the bible and he’s been in the press more than his fair share these last few years.” Tayla hands me the file that is as thick as she said and hands it to me. “Every fact based article about him is in that file. News clips as well in the email I am sending you in a few minutes. He is a recovering heroin addict and about to go on tour for the first time since getting completely clean. Hessian Aggression records has demanded that he have a sponsor with him at all times unless he is on stage or in the bathroom." She holds up a hand, seeing I was about to protest. "Yes, they mean it.”
I really didn’t know how to follow that. Part of me was offended by the bullshit demand by the record label but also by the way they weren’t letting him pick his own sponsor.
“There is a trust between sponsor and addict that you can't find in any interview Miss Livingston. It’s wildly inappropriate for you to interview a sponsor.” I couldn’t believe the ego on rich people, something I could openly comment on since I was just as crummy to people and saw them as disposable playthings once. Until I learned the hard way how valuable life is.
“Miss Kellerman, it is bullshit, I know it; so does Tay. The label is adamant however, and they won't budge. Noah tried telling them that I would be there as well as his oldest and dearest friend Sam. The label thinks that Noah has poor judgment, which is also bullshit. My brother is an addict, I won’t deny it. What he isn’t, is how they are painting him. He needs a sponsor, he does, I don’t deny that either, but Tayla has been tasked with finding the right fit for an impossible man. That’s why I am here.”
“Are you close?” I ask and take the smart water Tayla is handing me.
Tayla and Carrie both laugh at my question, but it wasn’t so much bitchy as it was actually funny to them.
“Carrie and Noah are very close, split from the same cloth. There is no other soul on this planet Noah trusts implicitly outside of Carrie. They have a language that is all theirs and its one you'll learn in time, but for now I really need you to have an open mind about this. I have had twenty fan obsessed, not so sure they were sober sponsors in here today and you are a breath of fresh air in comparison.”
I try to take in what they are both saying and I just keep drinking from the water bottle buying myself time, not sure how to tell them about my addiction. I twist the cap back on and take a deep breath… “My addiction wasn’t of any substance.”
I shit you not they both looked at me like I spoke a different language. A strange mixture of hope and defeat all at once in their stares. “What?” Carrie asks, a sharp bite in her tone and I know she thinks I am some obsessed fan about to go crazy on her so I hurry and explain.
“My addiction isn’t substance based. It is all about the flesh. I am a sex addict and I have been celibate for almost four years now.”
I take a deep breath and wait for her to ask me to leave, nicely of course because they are both sweet as pie, what she says though… I was not prepared for.
“What do you mean perfect?” I ask and set the bottle on the floor beside my purse.
“I mean that’s perfect. Jesus I was so scared that it could go south if we got the wrong sponsor with images of you both using together. This is perfect though. It will help Noah stay out of any sticky situation withfangirlsand the bad rep fans.”
“What is afangirl?” I ask and, ok yes I knew it was most likely a crazy fan.
“Oh, they are the whores.” Carrie says as if she were discussing the weather.
I can't help but laugh. In another life I would have hated them for everything they stood for. I would have said to let the junkie suffer. Today though, today I could see myself friends with these women. It didn’t change the fact that there was no way I would be responsible for a heroin addict only six months clean.
“Well?” Tayla says and looks at me with such hope I felt bad knowing I was bursting her bubble.
“I cant.” I look at Carrie, seeing the sadness in her eyes instantly. “I am so sorry Mrs. Blake, but I know nothing about heroin or the draw to it, or the lasting effects. I have no way to relate to that sort of addiction. I was raised in a very wealthy very prominent home where I was ignored and raised by staff not my parents. I rebelled by throwing parties and drinking a little too much but not enough to become addicted. Just enough to start sleeping around when I was thirteen, and I didn’t stop until I was twenty-two. I am twenty-six now and have severed every tie to that life. There is nothing in my experience with addiction that qualifies me to help him.”
“You are qualified though-“ Carrie started and I immediately shook my head and bent to get my purse when she continued, even louder and grasped at my arm, in desperation? I don’t know, but it stopped me and I knew I had to hear her out. “Noah is not your average drug addict Bright. He is one of the most self assessing human beings I have ever met. He makes no excuses for his behavior or his addiction even though, God knows he has them. A quick run through of his life? Our dad was mentally and physically abusive and one of the worst cases documented in Washington State history. Noah and I escaped after our dad passed out and ran to a little town called Gig Harbor in Washington where our Aunt and Uncle lived. He was seventeen, I was fourteen and we had fifty dollars between us. Once there he apprenticed in a tattoo shop and within six months he had rented the apartment above the shop for us both until he could a bigger place for us. He fed me, clothed me and became both my mother and father. He saved my life in so many ways, ways I can't get into or we will be here all day. He had trust issues before he was an adult, but now he is terrified of letting anyone in. He recently lost his fiancée in a car accident in which he was the driver and almost died in himself. That sent him over the edge and it was Cal, the lead guitarist and Tayla’s fiancée that pulled him free. He needs to not have a commonality with his sponsor, he simply needs you to understand the uncontrollable draw, which you do. “
My heart broke hearing his sister tell me his choppy version of life, and I wondered how I had been so checked out of the media that I had no idea when this was obviously news worthy.
“Noah will naturally avoid hurting you, it's in his nature, his fabric. If he knows that a sexual scene would somehow make you uncomfortable he will all together avoid it, and we need him avoiding that scene. His focus needs to be on staying clean, touring clean and learning to live again. You really are perfect for this Bright.”
It dawns on me then that she knew exactly who I was before I even walked in the door. “So how far did you dig on me before calling me to come in for this interview?” I can hear the edge in my tone but I don’t care because they had no right to go looking.