I'm barricaded inside so stop watching
I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking
I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
NF~ Mansions
Prologue
Noah
There is no way to really start this story. My story really has no beginning and no ending. Its like I was plucked from non-existence and dropped smack dab into the worst possible nightmare. I am not sure if I ever felt a moment of comfort or love from my parents, my sister I have, but from the ones that created me I don’t think I did. When you go your entire life not feeling the shelter of a parents love, I think even if for only a second if it was present it would be unforgettable, even to an infant.
I tell my sister a different story of course. I tell her about a mother who loved us with every fiber of her being until her very last breath but I honestly have no idea if she did. I have lied to Carrie her entire life to shelter her the way our parents should have. Reaching for the white lie of our mother being a saint didn’t seem like a big deal, turns out though, that little lie saved what ounce of faith Carrie had in humanity and she was able to rise from the flames of our hell.
I had nobody to lie to me, but even if I did I am too fucking jaded to have believed their bullshit. No, my entire life I have seen only the worst this world has to offer. I live in a reality that whatever joy comes your way, to cherish it because it will be ripped from you at any possible second.
I know this because I have had very few joys in this world and they are all tainted or destroyed in some way.
Take my sister for instance. She lives by the code of trust that I taught her. She continues to have the hope that I have never had. There are so many times over our life where she told me time and time again that I am good, strong and worthy of great things. There are so many times that I wanted to believe her.
I had that happiness, that good and sweet, temperamental and crazy love. Right now though, I can’t explain the pain in my chest as I look at a picture. Her picture. My brain starts this flicker of memories and a time I was so happy I could only think the fates were jinxing me. Then in a blink, like the flutter of butterfly wings she was gone. And I am left to wonder where my heart goes now.
I cannot move forward without going back. I do not want to go back. I am scared of very few things in this world, but my past is something to bring on the cold sweats and break me into a ball of rage and pain.
The trapdoors I call them, the ones containing all of the fury and pain, they need to be broken open. I have fought against it for too long and now I face my own death or my own redemption. I face the fact she will never be back and I accept the moment I broke when Cal told me exactly what I needed to live.
“Because I don’t fucking care. You are all better off without me.” The whole room dropped silent as I finally told the truth. For the first time in months Shame turned his head from me unable to watch me die. “She was what made me whole and that woman is gone and no matter how hard I fight this darkness, it is what it is and she is fucking gone!” I was yelling in jumbled slurs and trying to focus through bloodshot eyes.
“Yeah? Well she must be turning over in her grave seeing you like this.” That moment changed my life. I was beyond the rage and anger as I threw everything I had into making him hurt, and feel an ounce of the pain I feel so that he could understand. We are now fully on one another, punches flying as I try to beat sense into him and he tries to shut me up. Sam, Shame, and Chad are breaking us up and Chad is holding Cal from behind with his arms looped through his when Tayla steps in and starts begging Cal to stop.
“Stop baby this is ridiculous.” She begs and tries to comfort him and I know in that moment my need for him to see my side is something I pray never happens. He finally has what I had and I don't wish this on anyone.
“No I am fucking done.” He say’s and looks beyond her shoulder so I can see me. “Done! You son of a bitch! You want to die you do it alone because I no longer want to see it. I will mourn my friend and consider you dead the day Candey died because that is a hell of a lot easier to accept than this. You are out of the band, your wasted ass is a fucking liability anymore and I am fucking done writing excuses for you!”
“You don’t excuse shit Calvin!” He sneers and try to break free of Sam and Shame. “You refuse to let anything go! I begged to not come back to TAT. I told you I needed simple for the time being but you push and push!”
“No you want us to pad your fucking landing Noah. You want to have every excuse to know you arent alone but refuse to let us in. It is a sad thing to watch you blow it all away and I am done with it. You are a fucking junkie! You want that filthy brown shit in your veins more than music or the blood that has loved you all your life. You want to stay frozen in time because you cant fathom life without her and I know it's why you use, but of all of us Candey would have dumped your ass in seconds flat if she knew you were shooting up. She wouldn’t let you waste away like this and I won't either. You disgrace her and how deep she loved you by giving up, so from here out do it on your own!”
“Oh well hey, thanks for the pep talk dad!” I say and I know, fuck I know he is right. I laugh with no humor and look away.
“You want a pep talk?” He asks, and pushes Chad hard enough Chad lets him go. “You get in my Jeep right now without a moment's pause and you let me take you to rehab. It’s that or I cut you off. I am that fucking done because next time no one will come save you after you get beat near to death!”
The room falls to an eerie silence at Cal’s demand. I stare at him, shocked by the choice he gives me. Risk it all or lose it all.
“That's what I thought.” He says and takes Tayla by the hand. “Let’s go.”
I waited until he left before I made the choice to risk it all and face the demons that are dragging me to hell.
That’s one of the many doors I fear opening. Doors that are closed and locked and barricaded in for a reason. What I share with you, will make your skin crawl, and sadly I haven’t even scratched the surface.
My name is Noah Beckett, and this is my story. There will be moments I disgust you, I will undoubtedly break your heart. I am a master of making ugly even worse but I can bring out beauty in the worst of all things. I do not judge, I would have answered to a bullet a long time ago if I did. You may not like my choices or the things I say and the way I live, but you will respect it because I have earned it.