Hmm. Somewhere along the way, my neatly rolled balls of clothing had disintegrated and I was now pretty much slamming my T-shirts and hoodies into the suitcase.
“Court—”
“Hey, here’s a thought. Maybe if I drop in to see him, I’ll actually get to see him, instead of just being someone who lives here but never gets to see him.” I couldn’t even see what I was doing anymore; I just smashed as many clothes in as I could, as fast as possible.
“Why are you moving out, Courteney?” he asked me, softly. Like he fucking cared or something.
It pissed me off.
“Because, obviously, you and I can’t live in the same place. It’s not going to work. It doesn’t work and it never has.”
“That’s not true—”
“Oh, it’s true. Trust me on that. Every summer when I came back here was the best and the worst time of my life. And you know why?” I zipped up my suitcase and turned to glare at him. “It was the best time because I got to hope and pray and fantasize that I might actually get to seeyou. And it was the worst time because whenever you showed up, you always pissed all over it with your manwhoring ways.”
He stared at me, his eyes looking kind of soft and greenish in the light, and I couldn’t even stand having him look at me like that right now. I just wanted to get away from him so he couldn’t make me feel like shit about myself anymore.
I grabbed my backpack off the floor and started stuffing things into it—makeup, jewelry. Whatever. I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore.Everythinghad spiraled weirdly out of control, and most of all, my own actions.
Tonight, at the bar, trying to bid on him… Trying towinhim?
Why?
To prove something to him? To myself? To make some stupid point? That he could go out at night, adulting, and I could show up and play adult too?
And I was willing to put fifty-thousand down to prove it.
Fifty-five, actually.
I just hadn’t realized that the adults in that particular playing field would out-adult me so fast. That they’d outbid me in what felt like seconds.
It was humiliating.
And it was all my fault. I’d only humiliated myself.
I zipped up my backpack and put it on the bed. Then I grabbed the first empty box from the stack of them against the wall. I put it on the floor by the bookshelf, sat down next to it, and started packing my books.
“Courteney… I can’t let you do this. Not because of me. If one of us has to go… I’ll go.”
“You’re not ‘letting’ me do anything. I didn’t ask your permission.”
He took a step toward me, but I didn’t look up. “You really thought I wouldn’t try to stop you?”
“You weren’t supposed to find me. I figured you’d be at the bar all night with the grownups. And I’d be long gone before you got back.”
“You don’t need to move out. This is your brother’s home.Yourhome.”
I looked up at him blankly. “This has never been my home. And my brother hasn’t really been my brother since I was fourteen years old.”
“Don’t say that.”
I looked away and resumed packing. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be at the bar, getting to know the rich lady you’re having dinner with?”
“I’m not having dinner with her.”
“Right.”
“Courteney… stop packing and talk to me.” He came closer, standing right next to me. “I’m not going on a date with any other woman.”