“I’m scared,” Asher whispered. “I’m scared, because I don’t know what’s on the other side. I don’t know if the room in my head is a real room. I don’t know if the version of me that lives in that room is me. I don’t know if he loves you. What happensif he’s not me…do I die? Baby…if this place isn’t real, what happens to me? I don’t want to die...”
Levi’s hand on the knife shook as a lump formed in his throat.
“But—you’re not happy…so I’ll—I’ll do it. I’ll help you. I love you enough to go even if going means I’m not me anymore on the other side.” His voice cracked and came back. “Even if it kills me. Because I love you.”
He’s willing to stop existing for me. He doesn’t know if he survives leaving and he’s offering to go.
Ethan would have liked him.
The thought arrived from nowhere and stayed in Levi’s chest like a stone.
“Asher,” Levi’s voice came out smaller than intended. “I love you, too.”
“You said it back.” Asher’s face changed, past relief, past joy, into a raw, quieter thing underneath both. He reached for Levi’s hand — the one not holding the knife —and squeezed once.
Levi nodded, trying to swallow the sob building in his throat. He was scared if he said too much, it could ruin the moment. That Asher might change his mind…
“If I’m different out there,” Asher said, running his thumb over Levi’s knuckles.“If I come out wrong. If I come out and I don’t remember you, or I do remember you and I don’t love you the same — make me remember. Find a way to make me the person you fell in love with.”
Levi’s sob broke free, the knife still at his throat and his other hand in Asher’s. The fury of being trapped in this hell was still underneath everything, but the fury had stepped back. The love was the part that was loud.
“When we beat this game, we’re going to go back to the white room,” Levi said, scooting closer to Asher. “Don’t let go of me. Whatever it is on the other side — when we hit the white, don’t let go.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise me, Asher. Promise me you’ll come with me this time,” Levi sobbed.
“I promise.”
We’re going to do it. We’re actually going. After everything — the forest, the hospital, the ship, this place, the dying, the coming back, all of it…he’s going to help me finish this. Willingly. We can get out.
I’m terrified.
Asher’s hand yanked him forward, one hand fisting in the back of Levi’s hair, and he kissed him.
Levi kissed him back with everything he had, the knife still at his own throat because he couldn’t trust Asher enough to put it down, but every other part of him poured into the kiss, and the kiss tasted like two people who had been hurting each other and loving each other for longer than either of them could account for. It wasn’t a bad taste—the taste was theirs.
Asher made small, soft sounds into his mouth and Levi was making them back, sharing the same breath, and neither of them let it stop for air, because air was not the point — the other mouth was the point.
Asher pulled back half an inch, his forehead against Levi’s, his breath on Levi’s mouth.
“Player one command.” His lips shaped the words carefully, like they might be wrong. Levi watched crimson bloom in the white of Asher’s green eye, blood vessels popping until the whole of his sclera was red.
Levi’s heart skipped a beat.What is happening?
“Exit the game.” Asher grimaced like the phrase hurt him to say. “And disconnect…” Blood poured from his nostrils, like someone had turned on a faucet inside his face. “And disconnect player two.”
The room went white.
The walls did not disappear. The ceiling did not fall away. The white came in through the air itself — not from one direction, from all of them, from inside the air, the walls, the carpet, even the space between Levi’s hand and Asher’s hand.
“Don’t let go,” Levi whimpered, terror creeping up his spine at the nothingness of it all. “Please don’t let go.”
Asher pulled him in and kissed him again, hard, cutting off his own words, his mouth on Levi’s as blood continued to pour out of him. Levi kissed him back, pushing his tongue into Asher’s mouth as if that one extra point of contact could guarantee they would stay together—
30
Exiting Rest Mode