I signed, lifted my hand, and beckoned him in. He silently approached the bed and when he got close, I saw the dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes and took note of how exhausted he looked. It was obvious to me that he’d been crying, and his normally golden skin was pale, his cheeks drawn. I could honestly say I’d never seen a more beautiful man, but right now, Cachi looked like he’d been through a woodchipper, chewed up and spat out.
“How are you, Rex?” He smiled slightly and then leaned toward me with a look in his eye that couldn’t be missed. I turned away, looking toward the far wall, not wanting him to kiss me because if that happened, I couldn’t do what had to be done. I just couldn’t. I heard him let out a long sigh, and I turned my head, meeting his watery eyes with my own. He was so young and pretty, every gay man’s dream. If he could just forget me and move on, his life would be better. But that look…that heartbroken expression on his face…was chewing me up inside.
“I’m good, Cachi.” I said bitterly, waving at my legs. “Well…except for that.”
Cachi stared at my legs for a long time and when he turned back to me, tears were rolling down his face. My breath caught as he let out a strangled sound. “Is my fault, Rex.”
“What?” I blinked. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, Cachi, it’s not your fault. I got shot because some fuckin’, cowardly, scumbag snuck up on me when I wasn’t lookin’. How can you say any of that is your fault?”
He reached for my hand. When he touched me, the warmth of his skin made me shiver. “Is my fault they come to the club. I forget you come to pick me up and I no call you. If you not there, you no get shot. Is my fault you shot, Rex.” His voice cracked with emotion and the devastated expression on his face tore me up inside. He blamed himself for what happened to me but that was the farthest thing from the truth.
I shook my head. “No! Them guys…they went there to find you. Don’t you understand? They was gonna kill you. It’s just my poor timin’ showin’ up when I did. When they spotted me at the club I guess they figured if they couldn’t get to you, I was the next best thing, so none of this is your fault. Count yourself lucky to be alive, Cachi. I do.”
More tears fell, and I watched them tracking down his cheeks. Seeing that felt like a knife to my heart. The last thing in the world I wanted was to see him cry. I looked over to the rolling table where my water cup sat. I pointed to the table, and Cachi’s gaze followed my hand before he looked back with wide eyes. “You want water, Rex?” He immediately picked up the cup.
I shook my head. “No, sugar. There’s some Kleenex over there. Wipe them pretty eyes.”
“Oh.” He moved to the table, and took several tissues from the box, wiping his eyes. He blew his nose and dropped the wad in the trash. He came back over and reached for my hand. Ithreaded my fingers with his, knowing the time had come for the heart to heart I dreaded.
“So, listen…the FBI is gonna put you in protective custody with your family.”
He shook his head. “No, Rex. I stay here and take care of you.”
I swallowed hard, knowing he was going to put up a fight, but at the same time, knowing he wasn’t gonna win this one. “Listen. My recovery is gonna take a long time, Cachi, and even then—” I broke eye contact with him and looked away, swallowing several times to keep the tears at bay. I had to be strong for what I’d decided to do.
“Rex, I take care of you. I don’t care how long is it. I take care of you.”
I looked back at him, frowning deeply. “I don’t want you to take care of me, Cachi!” My voice was weaker than normal, and I could hear the growl in my words. “I’m a damned cripple without the use of my legs.” I let go of his hand abruptly and roared, “Hell!”
When I glanced back to see his devastated expression, I deepened my resolve. “I probably can’t even piss without a bag, and you know what that means? A lifetime of nurses and I sure as hell ain’t gonna let you be one of ‘em.” I stabbed a finger at his face although it took me all my effort to do even that. “You’re twenty-five years old and you gotta move on with your life. You understand? You have a future, a bright future.”
Tears ran down his face. “Si, and I want future with you, Rex,” he sobbed.
I shook my head. “No! There’s no future with me.” I waved at my legs. “Don’tcha understand? I’m paralyzed. The doc saysI may never get the use of my legs again. That means I ain’t gonna be able to walk again. Hell, I won’t even be able to fuck you!” I glanced at the wall of glass separating my room from the ICU nurse’s station to make sure no one overheard that. When I looked back at Cachi, he had both eyes squeezed shut, his hand over his mouth. He was shaking his head. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with misery and hopelessness.
“Rex, I don’t need you to fuck me again,” he said, bleakly. “I want you, Rex. I take care of you.”
I shook my head and lowered my voice, speaking slowly. “You’re a young man. You cannot waste your whole life takin’ care of me. You need to go out in the world and find someone to love. You have so much love to give and another man will be able to love you back, with his whole heart and his whole body.” The very thought of it made me feel sick as I waved feebly at my feet again. “Not like this.”
I watched him for a few seconds and then tore my gaze away, looking up at the ceiling tiles as he wept like his heart would break, his palms clamped over his eyes. My own clouded with tears as I heard the pain coming from him through his heart wrenching sobs and looked away, afraid to give myself away.
After quite some time, his sobs slowed and I once again looked over at him. He was standing close to the bed, and I reached up and ran a finger down the back of his hand. He instantly looked down at me. His eyes were red and his nose was running. As I stared, he broke eye contact, turning away, and grabbing more tissues. He blew his nose and reached for my hand again. Without thinking, I curled my fingers around his.
“I-I love you, Rex.” The confession came out shakily. “I take care of you. I no care about sex.”
I frowned, snatching my hand away. “That’s just stupid, Cachi.”
His eyes widened. “I stupid to love you?”
I shook my head, growling in frustration. “No…I meant about…you know.” I waved a hand at my useless limbs. “You need a man who can share everythin’…includin’ their body.” I turned away, unable to look him in the eye as I took a stuttering breath and voiced my greatest fear. “I can’t do that, Cachi. I ain’t no kinda man to you no more.”
I stared at the wall until he squeezed my hand hard. He was glaring at me as he leaned close. “Tu eres el estupido, Rex!” he spat. “You are the stupid one. I love you!”
“Well, I don’t love you!” I roared, hating myself for the expression he wore. I pointed to the door. “Get outta here and don’t come back. I don’t wanna see you no more, Cachi.” I turned away, feeling my chest heaving as the lie almost killed me.
He said nothing as I stared at the far wall. The increased beeping was betraying me but you could’ve cut the silence between us with a knife until finally, a minute later, I heard soft footsteps and then the door sliding open and shut.
Then I was alone with the beeping of machines, and an empty room. I looked up at the ceiling, hating myself for what I’d said as I wiped away the tears running down my face, hating myself for hurting Cachi. I realized too late that I probably loved him too. It almost killed me.