“Good girl,” he praised. “There are no right and wrong answers to what I’m asking. I just want you to be honest with me.”
The far too familiar prick of tears filled Palmer’s eyes. “I-I’m sorry, Sir. I can do better.” She wasn’t even sure what she was promising to be better at. Honestly she was giving it her all and she didn’t have much more to give.
“Aw, honey.” Master Derek grabbed a box of tissues from his desk and knelt in front of her, dabbing her rapidly falling tears. “There’s no need for these tears and you definitely don’t need to do anythingbetter.I just worry because I don’t think you’re happy in your current role here.”
“I’m trying to like it, Master Derek, I promise. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be here and I can fill whatever role you need,” she sobbed, her heart breaking in two.
“Palmer, no, sweet girl. Being at Rawhide is a chance for you to find the role thatyouthrive at. It’s never about fitting into a box. The purpose of being here is to give Little you a chance to be happy. I know you’re grateful to be here, and I’m so glad you are, but I want us to work on figuring out what makes you thrive.”
He dabbed her tears a bit more and Palmer worked to control her emotions.
“I’ve never been through the things you have, but I have worked with enough Littles to understand why it's hard for you to ask for what you need, but here at Rawhide, you’re always encouraged to focus on yourself. I am not upset with you, little one, and neither is anyone else. We love you and we want you to be happy.”
Palmer was quiet as she reflected over his words.
“When you think about a perfect day as a Little, what do you imagine?”
Taking a deep breath and lifting her eyes, Palmer answered, “Not having to make so many choices.”
Derek met her with a knowing smile. “It can be hard making choices when you’re just a Little girl, huh?”
“Yes, Sir. I-I—” Palmer hesitated.
“There’s no negative reaction to telling me the truth, Palmer. I pinkie promise,” Master Derek said, holding out his hand.
Palmer lifted her eyes to study his face. It only took her a second to realize he was being genuine. He really did want her to be honest with him. Hooking her pinkie into his, she spilled her Little heart out.
“It’s hard, Sir. I have to get myself dressed and go to breakfast and class. I have to pick my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I have to do my schoolwork and pay attention in class and I’m just so tired. I don’t understand because I’ve taken care of myself forever, but it’s just so hard all of a sudden.”
It frustrated Palmer. It should be easier to take care of herself now, not harder!
“Your feelings are completely valid, honey, and on point with what I’ve heard from other Littles ones who have been in similar situations. You lived in a state of survival so long that your body just wants to rest now. It’s called recovery mode.”
“Recovery mode?” His words brought a tiny stream of hope to Palmer. It was normal?
“Your body knows it’s safe now and it just wants to rest. That’s why all of these choices seem so hard now.”
Oh. That made a lot of sense, actually.
“You’ve been on your own for too long, little one. Your body is begging for a break and I have just the solution.”
“You do?” Palmer wasn’t really surprised. Master Derek always seemed like he had his duckies in a row unlike Palmer who didn’t even know where her duckies were… or if she even had any.
“I do. You know I try to take the best care of my Littles.”
Palmer did know that. He was wonderful to all the people at Rawhide.
“I believe I’ve found a wonderful mentor for you. Someone to help you rest, and to help you make all those hard choices.”
“It’s hard to picture having someone like that in my life,” Palmer admitted, feeling extra vulnerable. “No, it’s hard to picture someone wanting to do that for me,” she corrected. “Everyone is so nice to me, but I… I feel like I’m still an outsider and that maybe I don’t really belong.”
“I bet with your past, it’s hard to believe when good things happen.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Well, I want you to keep practicing believing it, okay? There are only good things in store for you from here on out.”
“Yes, Sir.” Palmer promised herself she would practice believing.