“I have no idea. That’s partly why I’m freaking out! He just asked me if I wanted fun and casual or dressy and romantic. I panicked at ‘romantic’ and went with casual.”
“Why did you panic at ‘romantic’? It’s a date, Evie. Isn’t it supposed to be romantic?”
I tighten the towel around my breasts and glare at the women lounging on my bed. Holly’s busy texting, and judging by the smile on her face, it’s got to be with her man. Becca’s laying with her ass on my pillows, feet up the wall.
I pin her with a glare. “This coming from the woman who freaked out at the fanciest restaurant in the city, and ended up at Outback on her first date? Hypocrite.”
“Hey! That was different.” She throws a finger up in the air. “I don’t know exactly how right now, but give me a minute and I’ll come up with something.”
Holly snorts and rests her phone on her stomach. “It’s not different. She got the heebies too.” She stops, biting her lip as she eyes my dripping hair. “What’s going on in your head, Evie?”
So, so many things. “Nothing.”
Becca laughs hysterically while Holly screws up her face. “Bullshit. What’s worrying you about tonight?”
My instinct is to gloss over it. To pretend I’m fine or give her something to placate her. I open my mouth to do just that and verbal diarrhea pours out.
“What if he’s not actually attracted to me? What if it fizzles out after tonight and I never get to taste him? What if it’s amazing and I fuck it up? What if we lose him?”
They’re both staring now, mouths dropped open. My whole body feels hot, and I spin back to the bathroom sink to splash water on my face. How did this insecure woman invade my body? How did I go from loving myself to hating what I see in the mirror?
All the magazines tell me it should be the opposite, that the skinnier I am, the happier I should be with my reflection. But that has not been my experience. Instead, the skinnier I got, the more I hated what that represented. Losing my job, my security, and my confidence in myself.
My cheeks are filling back in their roundness thanks to steady meals. My face is starting to look like the old me again. But I am very aware that this is not the woman that Colton met the day he picked me up. “Colton says he’s attracted to me. No matter what size I am. But you should have seen the way he looked at me when we met.” I want to curl into myself as I picture the subtle revulsion on his face.
“How did he look at you?” Holly asks softly.
“Like I was a worn-out old hag…well maybe not the hag part.”
“Or maybe like a woman who used to be healthy and vibrant, but is currently wasting away?”
My lips tighten. “He didn’t know me before, though.”
“Declan found pictures, you know,” Holly says. “He had a photo of your badge from the hospital, and from the care home. He knew you, Evie. Honestly,” her mouth tips in a small smile, “he carried your photos around for months.”
I lower my head, eyes closing, letting that sink in. “Oh.”
“He knew what you looked like before. He liked what he saw. Finding you in rough shape, finding you starving? That was all you saw on his face. It was never a judgment of you.”
“Colt said the same thing last night,” I admit.
“So then, what’s the problem?”
What is the problem? I honestly don’t know anymore.
Becca pushes her feet on the wall, sliding herself and all my pillows down the bed. She rolls to her side to face me.
“When’s the last time you dated? Besides douchebag-nurse-dude?”
“There really hasn’t been much since Mia. Before that, I had a couple of boyfriends. No one memorable, honestly. No one like Colt.”
Becca and Holly both snort. “There is no one like Colt. He’s in a league of his own. But you get that he’s a complete goner over you, don’t you?” Becca asks.
“I’m getting that idea, yeah.”
“So, what are you afraid of? I’m pretty sure a tank couldn’t force Colt away from you. So,” she smirks, “you must be worried about you fucking it up?”
“Brilliant deduction Becca. How ever did you figure it out? Oh, right, I TOLD YOU!”