“What the fuck are you getting at?” I am not in the mood to get psychoanalyzed.
“Jesus, you don’t have to be so fucking sensitive. I just wanted to see how you’re doing with Evie. See if you had finally settled down.”
“Settled down? What the fuck does that mean?”
Declan’s mouth tightens. “Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
I want to pop him in the mouth. He’s making my fucking eye twitch. Curling my fists, I raise my eyebrows at him.
“You’re going to have to go back to being you one of these days. Can’t be perfect forever.”
“I can damn well try, Declan.” I can. I will not risk a fuckup.
“So what’s your plan, then? Next time you want a fight?”
“I haven’t gotten that far.”
Something crosses his face. “Why were you really going, man? What did they do for you? Because it always seemed really fucking dysfunctional to me.”
“It was an escape. I could put away the shit in my head and just pit myself against someone else. Strength against strength.” It sounds thin even to my ears.
“So then, what changed this last time? Fighting as much as you did that night is not just about strength. It was a punishment.”
“I know. I’m not completely oblivious to my own shit.”
“Then why?”
“Because I can’t fucking have her. Have them. They won’t ever be mine.” My short nails are biting into my palms. I consciously loosen my fists, flexing my fingers.
Declan steps closer. “Why? What the fuck happened?”
I shake my head, turning to watch a giggling Mia ride past on Zach’s shoulders.
“This happened,” I say, tipping my chin at Mia. “She needs us. Evie needs us. I won’t be the one that chases her away. Can you fucking imagine? I tell her I’m falling for her and she lets me down easy…then what? Do we still see each other every day? How long do you think that’ll last before she leaves?” I swallow tightly, my heart racing at the idea of them being gone. “No way. It’s better for everyone if we stay friends.”
“I don’t believe that. If you had Evie at home, in your bed, would you ever go to a fucking fight?”
The idea of Evie in my bed makes me dizzy.
I shake my head, chasing away the idea. “It’s fucking irrelevant. I’m not doing that anymore. I made a promise, and I won’t break it. Ever.”
Declan studies my tight expression, his shoulders falling. “Ok. I hear you. I won’t push…but I think you’re making a mistake. Evie would be really fucking lucky to have you.”
I hum in response, unwilling to talk about this for another second. Instead, I run and join the others.
I haven’t been putting on an act, but I have been on my best behavior. I won’t risk them. I’ll settle down eventually, but I don’t know that I can ever be the old me. At my core, I’m a different man.
“Horsey, watch!” Mia yells as she does a somersault, crashing hard onto her back with a smile. These floors are softer than the concrete underneath. Even so, that looks like it should fucking hurt. She jumps up and turns, clapping her hands for Holly and my brothers as they take their turns. Holly does a perfect one, of course, and Mia jumps in her lap to watch the guys.
Christ, it’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. Jonas and Nick’s legs get tangled. Ransom starts from too high and slams down on his back, and Kade and Micah end up rolling sideways into each other. When the fuck did we get so old?
Holly and Mia are laying down giggling, so I throw myself down next to them.
Mia crawls over to me, climbing up to lie on my chest, pressing her tiny hands to my cheeks. “Horsey,” she says seriously, “I have bike for racetrack? Please?”
I tuck her curls behind her ears. “What racetrack honey?”
She rolls her eyes at me, and it’s fucking adorable. “Racetrack. See?” she says, pointing to the running track. Two lanes, separated by a white line.