I fucking can’t.
We are not cuddling again.
“Going to the gym,” Caleb says, his voice a little sad.
I don’t even look up because I’m sure he’s wearing his nipple shirt, and I don’t need that in my life right now. I really don’t. The piercing…it does things to me.
Things I never knew I’d like.
Things I can’t live with if I let them loose.
“Have fun,” I manage to say, bent over the tub and scrubbing the ceramic with passion.
He sighs loudly, and then I hear the door close and lock.
I sag, the gloves dripping with cleaning solution and bubbles as I try to breathe.
I heard him last night, moaning my name in his dreams. It sent me onto the couch, where I stared at the ceiling until I could recover.
I haven’t touched myself to thoughts of him since that weak moment I had weeks ago.
I refuse to ever do it again. I will not be weak.
The email floats through my head, my response, and what it means for my future.
How it will make me something I’m not. How I will be conforming to my father’s image.
I will become who he’s always wanted me to be.
I try to push the anxiety away. I can get through it. I got through my entire childhood. This will be a walk in the park.
My mind flicks back to Caleb, and I start scrubbing again. My hands, back, and neck ache.
Thankfully, Magnus calls me, the ring of my phone making me drop what I’m doing to answer.
“Hey, just checking in. You’ve been quiet lately. Making sure you’re alive.”
I huff into the phone and stare at the glimmering bathtub. It’s my finest work yet.
“Yeah. I’m alive. Mostly,” I quip, and Magnus giggles sweetly on the other end of the line. He’s so easy, simple.
Perfect for me in every way, and yet…
I shake my head and listen to Magnus continue to prattle on.
“Good, well, come meet Bev, Kate, and me on campus for lunch. We want to catch up, and honestly, it would be nice to see your face.”
“Yeah, I should probably get out of the apartment.”
“You definitely should. Have you been cleaning again?”
I sigh, and he does the same. “Your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, fuck him. Stop scrubbing the toilet and come meet us. Oh, but wash your hands first.”
I roll my eyes, but hearing his voice has made me feel lighter. I can do this. I need to get out of the house and touch grass, meet some friends, socialize with someone other than my professors and the man smiling on the cleaning bottle.