“And that scares you.”
“Itterrifiesme. Because if Emma starts building her life around a faith I don’t have, then I’m standing outside. Outside my own daughter’s most important conversations. Outside the thing that’s healing her. I’m left out of the whole circle of her life.”
The raw honesty of it hit him harder than anger would have. Kate wasn’t a scientist building a case. Kate was a mother, afraid of losing her daughter to something she couldn’t follow.
“Then maybe you should step inside that circle, Kate. Maybe you should…read a chapter or two with her.”
“No, no, I…no.”
“Okay,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s possible for you to be outside anything in her life. She loves you and respects you.”
“Will she, if she takes this…further? How will she feel about me?”
“I love and respect you,” he said. “And I’m about as far as you can go with faith.”
“I know that.” She sighed. “And I don’t dislike it. I don’t understand it or agree with it, but I don’t see anything negative in your personality that I could blame on God.” She leaned forward, and he saw the tears she was fighting. “In fact, I can see that it’s because of religion that you are who you are. The steadiness. The kindness. The way you listen without judging. I wanted that for my daughter because Jeffrey couldn’t give it to her.”
“Oh, the irony,” he whispered with a tease in his voice.
She gave a soft laugh. “I know and I’ve been wrestling with this for days. That’s the distance you felt.”
Well, at least now he had confirmation and an answer.
“Don’t struggle with things like that alone, Kate,” he said, sliding even closer to her. “I’m here. Talk to me.”
“I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing or argue with you or…or lose you.” Her eyes were full of tears now, the fear andhurt and love evident in their dark depths. “And I don’t want to lose you.” She put her hand on his cheek. “You’re such a good man.”
He felt his own sigh escape. “I don’t want to lose you, either. But I can’t be separated from what I believe. The grace and guidance I gave Emma isn’t something I was born with—it’s something I gained from knowing God. If I’d gone out on that boat and just said, ‘You’re a good kid, don’t worry about it,’ it wouldn’t have reached her. It would have just been another adult telling her to shape up and get her act together.”
Kate stared at him, and he watched the truth of it land—the scientist recognizing data she didn’t want to accept.
“So, what am I supposed to do?” she asked. “Just…let it happen? Watch my daughter walk into something I think is?—”
She stopped herself.
“What?” he asked. “What do you think it is?”
Kate pressed her lips together. He could see her choosing between honesty and kindness, and he loved her for the struggle even as it broke his heart.
“I think it’s a nice story,” she said quietly.
He grimaced, knowing that about ninety percent of the Bible wasn’t very nice at all.
“It’s so much more,” he said.
“Yes, yes, it helps people. It gives them comfort and structure and hope. And I think that’s valuable.” She paused. “But I don’t think it’strue, Eli. I can’t make myself think it’s true. And I don’t want my daughter to build her life on something I believe is no more valuable than a good-luck charm.”
Ouch.
He closed his eyes and suddenly, the kitchen felt too small and too dark and the moonlight through the windows was no longer peaceful—it was just the only light they had.
“I can’t be the man you fell in love with and also hide my faith to make you comfortable,” he whispered. “If I tried to do that, I’d lose myself. And then I’d lose you anyway.”
Kate blinked and wiped under her eyes with lightning speed before a tear fell. “I don’t want to lose you,” she said.
“I don’t want to lose you, either. But I’m not going to lie to Emma. And I’m not going to pretend that what I believe doesn’t matter merely to protect us from a conversation we should have had months ago.”
She took his hand again and pressed their joined fingers to her chest, as if she could pull him into her heart. “So, what do we do?” she asked.