Chapter Ten
Jake
Iwant to be surprised by what I’ve said, except that something broke when I crashed my bike, and after Darren put it back together a little bit crooked, I was happy to let it heal that way. My heart has been racing since I heard him close my garage door, but there hasn’t been a moment I’ve thought about asking him to leave, and now we’re both worked up enough for him to stay. And if hehadwanted me to swallow for him tonight, I would’ve done it without regret, but this—as much as it’s difficult for me to be so blunt about it—is a daydream come true.
“Come here,” he says, quietly cocky with his command.
I obey easily, if that’s really what we’d call it, his naked body beneath mine while both of us shake. I’m close to asking him whether he’s cold, but I’m almost certain he’s not, and I don’t need another explanation for it when I have a few of my own. When I’m back to where we started, it feels right to kiss himagain, and while I have no idea whether that’s something that happens so often when he visits any of his other friends, I won't ask him that question either.
“This still feels so good,” I murmur. “All of it, really. I meant it when I said I haven’t been a martyr. I don’t need this. But I want it. And I want it with you.”
There’s a temptation to clarify something so honest—to attach a disclaimer to it and make sure he understands that it’s still only about the sex—but this is Darren I’m talking to, and if he stays until morning, it’ll already be one of the biggest commitments he’s made. I’m safe here, and I think he knows he is too, so I say nothing else about it, and open my mouth for his instead.
I feel a shift then, though I can’t tell whether we speed up or slow down, unable to separate even as we’re getting louder about the ache between us. Darren’s already given me enough relief tonight to keep me from begging now, but as admirable as his stamina might be, his grip on my hips is nearly bruising and the noises I catch between each kiss are closer to a whimper than anything I’ve heard from him so far. I don’t know whether he’s waiting for me, but I know what’s within reach, and I stretch sideways long enough to open my drawer.
“I’ve got approximately zero experience with lube,” I say. “And not much more than that with condoms.”
“Lucky guy.”
“Mmmm. True then and now, I think.”
Darren smiles as I set the bottle and packet on the bed next to us. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”
“And where do you think I want to be?” I ask, lowering myself to him again.
“Deep, deep inside me.”
Our next kiss is filthier than the rest, and I feel him bring his knees up on either side of me while the heat between us makes the slide of our bodies slicker than before. I want to lose control in a way that hasn’t been true in a decade or more, but I need to pay attention to everything, maybe to do it all right, or maybe to remember it over and over again. After the scrape of my teeth against his lower lip and a quick bite to his neck, I put some room between us and sit back on my feet. The sight of Darren so physically bared to me, solid and thick and uncut, has me wrapping my hand around myself. Everything about the moment is overwhelmingly primal, but then I take a deep breath and pick up the lube while he stares, beautifully needy.
I don’t think I’ve compared him to anyone in a while.
He says nothing when I wet my middle finger and touch him for the first time. I’m probably teasing him, but I don’t think it’s my goal when I’m only eager to see how his body responds, and when I push forward, relief has both of us arching into it.
“You’re so tight,” I say, immediately groaning. “No, wait, that sounds like a line from terrible porn.”
“It’s a line from a lot of porn, terrible and not,” Darren chuckles. “But please don’t let that stop you. Tell me everything.”
I don’t let anything stop me, but I’m slow enough with each back and forth to make Darren serious again. I’m mesmerized by an intrusion that should be uncomfortable, but he seemsmesmerized by me, his eyes tracking whatever expression lingers on my face when I look up again. Then when I pull my hand away, he’s there to catch me, predicting my hesitation before I could’ve.
Without a word, he glances toward the bottle on the bed, and I add more lube to the fingers of the hand he holds. I already know what will happen next, but something about it still takes me by surprise, Darren’s grip steady around my wrist when he nods and guides me forward.
Steady, but not particularly gentle.
“Darren.”
“Use two.”
I almost say something about not wanting to hurt him, but it’s stupid even as a half-formed thought, and I extend a second finger before he takes control of my hand again. I relax then, and he moves for me until I’m ready to make it an entirely mutual thing, my fingers opening him up while he mumbles a dozen promises about how good it feels to use me this way. It’s vulgar, but I’m so far gone already, and I don’t care when I promise things, too.
When it’s all too much for me—or not nearly enough—I pull my hand back again, and Darren doesn’t mind letting me go. He takes my breath away instead, saving the condom packet from my slippery fingers and opening it with an intriguing combination of arrogance and awe. Then he sits up long enough to slide the condom over me, a lubed hand stroking there before I even realize he’s reached for the bottle.
“It’s been so long.”
I’m not sure I meant to say anything out loud, and whether I’m referring to this specific touch or using protection or having anyone in my bed at all, I really don’t know. It’s all true, and maybe it doesn’t matter more than that. Before he lies down again, Darren uses the tip of his pinky to trace the ugly scar left behind by a wound he did his best to close, and if I had the words, I’d thank him for it one more time. But he falls away then, and when he’s on his back, I’m left more speechless by how easily his legs fall open for me, his hand in a lazy up and down over his own length while he waits.
I take a deep breath.
This is another familiar moment, lowering my body to be welcomed by something that feels a little like home. I freeze when I get there, though, because home hasn’t been the same for a while, and it won’t be again.