“From where?”
“Classes.”
“Oh, I didn’t go in today.” Emily stirs next to me, then sits up.
“Why not?” My chest squeezes because I hate Emily missing out on classes because of me.
“Jesus, Kayden. For someone so smart, you really are daft sometimes. I wasn’t gonna leave you alone, silly.” She kisses my cheek gently. “I’ve canceled my lab time, too. Tonight we’re just gonna lie on the couch and rot away, watching bad rom-coms and eating gallons of ice cream. Just like old times.”
Just like old times.
It’s not that long ago that I lived in this apartment, too, and still, so much has happened that it feels like an entirely different life.
“You don’t have to do that. Don’t… don’t stay home on my account. I can just—”
“Are you kidding? I’m not going. My lab partners can survive without me for once.”
“Okay. Thanks, Em.”
She squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve got it, boo.”
I didn’t give Emily any details when I showed up on her doorstep late last night. I just collapsed into her embrace as I slowly fell to pieces. She didn’t ask me anything either, just pulled me inside with her, whispering words of reassurance again and again as she tucked me in and I fell asleep against her. Now, with the bright daylight and the noises from the busy city seeping through the open window, it all comes rushing back.Caleb.How angry Dad was. How the need to just disappear overwhelmed me again. I hadn’t felt like that in such a long time, the need to not just disappear but to cease to exist altogether. The pain became unbearable the moment I got home from Caleb’s place, and it all sank in. Dad’s and Caleb’s friendship,decadesof friendship, is probably ruined because of me. As if I haven’t already brought my parents enough problems. As if I haven’t already filled their life with worry and concern over me. They probably don’t see it that way, but this isn’t what they signed up for when they decided to become parents. I just can’t add taking Dad’s best friend away from him to my conscience, too.
Sending Caleb those texts was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Harder than coming out to Mom and Dad. Harder than getting surgery. Because while those things were fucking scary too, they weregood things. They were things that brought me closer to being myself. But sending Caleb those texts… made me feel disconnected, like I was betraying myself. I had to do it, though, because there’s only one thing worse than betraying myself, and that’s causing hurt to my parents, who have always stuck by me and loved me unconditionally. I can’t come between Dad and Caleb. I just can’t. I’d never be able to forgive myself, and it would eventually just drive a wedge between Caleb and me. The thought of Caleb resenting me is unbearable, doing things to my heart I don’t have a name for, like I’m being pulled apart from the inside.
Emily tugs at my arm. “Come on. The world always looks like shit before you’ve had your first cup of coffee.” I chuckle half-heartedly, and Emily is on me like a shark smelling blood. “Oh my gawd, Kayden Somner, was that a laugh?”
“No.” I bury my face back in the pillow.
“It was! It so fucking was.” She pulls the blanket away from my body. “Come on!” I try to struggle it away from her, but Emily won’t have it, and she’s always been way stronger than me anyway.
I groan as I reluctantly climb out of bed, my legs wobbly. Emily eyes me, her forehead furrowed with concern as she folds the blanket and places it on the bed. I look around, and I realize we’re in Emily’s room. Of course we are. Someone else lives in my old room now. I freeze at the thought of running into some stranger in the state that I’m in.
I lick my lips, and they’re chapped and tender, like I’ve been biting them in my sleep. “Is, uhm… is your roommate home?”
“Layla? No, she’s at her boyfriend’s. Won’t come back until tomorrow at the earliest.”
“Okay.” I linger, unsure what comes next. It’s like my brain is blank and I’ve forgotten even the most mundane of things, like standing or walking.
Emily frowns at me, her eyes pooling with worry, and I hate that she has to worry about me again. “Kayden?”
“I’m okay.” Tears press behind my eyes again. She doesn’t say anything else, her deep brown eyes overflowing with empathy. I gesture toward the bathroom. “I’ll just freshen up.”
“I’ll be in the kitchen. Take your time.”
“Okay.”
As soon as I close the door behind me, the all-encompassing feeling of loss washes over me again, and I sink to the floor with my back against the door. Tears trail down my cheeks, and I bury my face in my arms against the soft fabric. The sweatshirt still smells like Caleb, just a barely there scent that lingers. I breathe him in, and his face manifests before me. His granite-gray eyes and how they grow all soft and fond wheneverhe looks at me. The shadow of a dark scruff on his chin and the way it feels against my inner thighs when he runs kisses up and down my legs. His full lips and that crooked smile that turns me inside out with want for him. The way his dark brown bangs always fall into his eyes and how my fingers now itch with the phantom feel of sweeping them out of his forehead. His strong, broad shoulders and how perfect they feel when I jump into his arms and cling to him. His arms, his hands on me. Oh God, his hands. I love his hands and how gentle he is with me, how patient and reverently they explore my body like it’s the promised land.
My body convulses with longing. It feels like a limb has been torn from my body. Everything aches. I miss him so much. While I prayed he’d listen and not call me, it still hurts that he hasn’t. I don’t know what that means. Does it mean he’s relieved I made the decision for him, or does it mean it was all in my head, the deep connection I felt between us? No, I know that isn’t true. Itwasreal. I saw it in Caleb’s eyes, and I heard it in his voice when he told me he loved me. Itwasreal, and knowing Caleb, he’s probably just trying not to make it any harder for me than it already is. As if it could be any worse.
I force myself up from the floor and go relieve myself. I didn’t bring any extra clothes when I took off yesterday. As soon as I got back to my apartment, I knew I couldn’t stay. It was still way too close to Caleb, way too close to where I really wanted to be. I guess I just have to borrow some of Emily’s. That is, when I can convince myself to take off Caleb’s clothes. I’m not ready yet. They feel like the last link to how happy I was yesterday, coming back from my run, meeting Caleb in the kitchen, his warm smile greeting me, his hungry eyes on me. It was like catching a glimpse of my future, years down the road from now, coming home to Caleb and our life together. Maybe there was a dog, too. Two perhaps. Maybe we were marri—I can’t finish that thought. It hurts too much, like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my heart, smashing it into a bloody pulp.
I avoid my reflection in the mirror when I wash my hands. I know I look like shit, and I don’t need to see it. I dry my hands, then head toward the kitchen, the smell of butter and cardamom wafting toward me. My stomach churns, bile rising in my throat. While I’m hungry, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat.
As soon as I enter the kitchen, Emily hands me a cup of steaming hot coffee, then pulls out a chair for me at the small table where we used to eat our breakfast together. “Sit,” she orders when I linger, and I plop down, and she plants the coffee in front of me. “Hungry?” I shake my head, reaching for the coffee, wrapping my hands around the rainbow cup I bought Emily at Boston Pride a few years back. “I’ll save them forlater.” She eyes me warily, then sits down next to me. The kitchen looks exactly the same, and I realize it’s only been just over a month since I lived here. It feels like an entire lifetime ago. So much has changed. Ihavechanged.
Emily clears her throat. “You ready to tell me what happened?” Her voice is tender, and my eyes begin to sting again, but I bite back the tears.