Kayden gapes at me, his mouth opening and closing. Panic moves through his eyes as he wraps his arms around his naked body. I jump from the bed, and after a few long strides that feel like forever, I’m wrapped around him, his arms trapped between us. He’s shaking like a leaf caught in a storm, his erratic breathing hot against my chest.
“Don’t panic. Please don’t panic, sweetheart.” He trembles against me, his body stiff, like he’s gone to some place deep inside himself. I hold him tighter against me, locking myself around his body. I can’t fucking believe it’s him, but the revelation is not unsettling in any way if that’s what Kayden thinks. It’s mind-blowing for sure, but I loved everything I did with that guy, withhim.It was so fucking hot, just as hot as what I’ve just experienced with Kayden. Somehow, it makes sense that it’s the same person who has brought me to places I’ve never been before. “I love everything we did, just now, and on that app.Everything.”
He sniffles against me, but I feel his body relaxing just a tad. I kiss his hair again and again, and eventually his arms unlock between us and snake around my waist.
“I just…” he starts, his voice unsure and frail.
“Shhh. You don’t owe me any explanation.”
“So why does it feel like I do?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart, but you don’t. No one who goes on an app to seek pleasure or live out their fantasies or kinks owes anyone anything.”
He pushes away from me, tilting his head, his gaze connecting with mine. His sky-blue eyes search my face. “You’reBigOnBacks?”
“I am.”
“I can’t believe it’s you, but I guess I should’ve known.” His words stun me.
“How? How could you have known?”
He smiles wistfully. “Because I felt safe. It felt like you weren’t a stranger.” He chuckles. “And you weren’t after all.”
“You felt safe?”
His eyes spill over with tears. “I always feel safe with you, Caleb. I always have. Even when I wasn’t at home in my own body, I felt at home with you.” He looks at me, his face honest and open, tears sliding down his flushed cheeks.
I reach out and cradle his face. “Hey, what is it?”
His gaze flickers, tears clinging to his lashes. “Is it weird? What we’re doing. What we’re becoming to each other.”
“No, K. Only if we make it weird.” I caress his chin, and he melts against me. “I’m more myself with you than I am with anyone else,” I admit.
“I’m the most myself when I’m with you, too.”
“Yeah?” My chest squeezes as his words reverberate through my body. If I haven’t already, it’s just a matter of time before I fall for Kayden. I’ve never been in love before, but I recognize the feeling anyway. It can only be love.
“Yes.” He lifts onto his toes and brushes his lips against mine. I tighten my hold on him, then lift him off the floor. He smiles against my lips, then murmurs, “I can’t fucking believe it’s you.” He snorts. “You know, it was the name that pulled me in. BigOnBacks. That and your hairy chest.”
“Really?”
He giggles. “Yes. I just had to know the person behind that name.” He pauses, his voice serious when he speaks again, “Turns out I did all along.”
I kiss him harder, and Kayden wraps his legs around me as he buries his hands in my hair. He grinds against me, and I grow hard again. When it comes to him, I’m apparently insatiable. I’m usually acome and crashkind of guy, falling asleep shortly after my release, but with Kayden, it’s like I can’t get enough, like I don’t want to miss a single second. I guess that’s what love is, then: the need to suspend time, to be with that other person all the time, not letting a single moment get lost. My eyes sting, and my chest squeezes. I don’t trust myself, my mouth. I’m afraid of what I’ll admit to him if he stays in my arms for a single second longer.
I press a quick kiss to his mouth, then ease him down onto his feet. “Go pee, baby, then come back to bed.” Fuck, I need a minute. Or two.
Kayden smiles at me, then sweeps my hair out of my eyes. “Okay.”
As soon as he closes the bathroom door behind him, I bury my face in my hands. I’ve never hyperventilated before, but it kind of feels like I’m close. I’m not panicking because the idea of loving another person freaks me out. No, that’s not it. As terrifying as the thought is, there’s only one thing that scares me right now, and that’s the thought of Kayden not wanting me back. He’s so young, just starting his life as his true self. He’s learning things about himself every day, discovering new parts of himself. He’s going through this awakening, sexual and personal. What if, at the end of this journey, he realizes that I’m not the right guy for him? Because with my track record, it’s possible he doesn’t see anything long term with me. Hell, it’s not just possible, it’s very likely. And I think I could really want something more with him. Perhaps I already do. I can’t explain why it’s him, only that it is. It’s Kayden. It doesn’t make any sense, and still, it makes perfect sense. He brings out a version of me no one else does, that no one else ever has.
The toilet flushes, and I make my way to the bed. I try to get my breathing under control, but it’s really fucking hard when your entire life and everything you know to be true has been flipped on its axis.
Kayden opens the door, smiling hesitantly.
“Come here.” I pat the bed, and he leaps toward me, landing next to me, burying his face against my side. I tug him against me, unable to get close enough. He’s so warm and soft and perfect. “You feel so good,” I mutter into his hair.
“So do you.” His body grows heavy against me, his breathing evening out.