“I know, but I’m still sorry. I… I had a really nice time today. Iwashaving a really nice time with you. Can we… Can we just pretend this didn’t happen?”
He doesn’t say anything, just plays with his earring, then squares his shoulders. “Thank you for helping me out. I think I just want to go home. It’s not…” He pauses, then eyes me through his thick eyelashes. “I’m not mad or anything. I promise.” I can’t tell if he’s being truthful, but I guess I have to believe him. “I’d just rather go home and relax. It’s been a long week.”
“Okay.” My chest tightens. I fucking hate this. I want to pull him against me and wrap him in my arms. I want to tell him that I don’t see him as a kid, far from it. I want to tell him that everything’s better when he’s around and that, although Stace is right about a lot of things, she got one thing wrong. I’m not on the lookout. I haven’t been since Kayden came back. He’s all I fucking think about.
We go grab the food, and I drive him home. We unload the van, but Kayden insists that he can fit everything into the elevator and that he doesn’t need my help. I don’t push it. He looks like he’s one second away from his breaking point, so I leave it at that. When I get home, I put the food in the fridge. I have no appetite, and instead, I just grab a beer and head straight for my bedroom. I’m not even mad at Stacey anymore. I’m mostly mad at myself. I should know better. Kayden’s too good for me. Too young and too sweet.And vulnerable, a small voice inside my head says.You’ll hurt him. You’ll break him.The last thing I need is to get involved with him. He needs someone his own age, whom he can fall in love with and experience all his firsts.
I gulp down my beer, then kick off my shoes and lie down. I try to clear my mind of everything Kayden, but as soon as I close my eyes, he’s there, his sad blue eyes staring back at me. I need a fucking distraction. I need to lose myself in something uncomplicated and meaningless.
I grab my phone and pull upPulse. I haven’t been on it all week. I open the chat withdicKmedownand type as if my life depends on it. Or my sanity, at least. This is so much better.
BigOnBacks:Distract me!
He isn’t online, though, and isn’t that just my fucking life? Maybe I should go to Colchester next weekend and blow off some steam with some random guy. Get back in the game, so to speak. Maybe I’m just in a funk. People get funks, don’t they? Maybe I just need to reset my libido, although it seems to be working just fine when Kayden’s around. No, it needs to be redirected. I openGoogleand type ‘how to redirectyour libido’in the search field. I’m stunned when something actually comes up. Scooting down on the bed, I start reading aloud.
“‘To stop thinking about sex, you must redirect your mental energy, not just suppress the thoughts. This involves using immediate pattern-interrupt techniques likemindfulness and physical activity, while addressing the underlying psychological triggers like stress or boredom.’”
I have no idea what that even fucking means.Mindfulness? Psychological triggers?
I’m about to type ‘how to stop lusting after your best friend’s son’when a text from Sal comes in. That’s some weird shit. Does he have a sixth sense or something? Can Sal tell I’m thinking about Kayden? I open the text, expecting the worst.
Sal:Don’t forget Viv’s pots!
A relieved laugh shoots from my mouth. God old Sal.
I checkPulseagain, but still nothing.
After a few minutes, I decide that today just isn’t my day, and I grab the remote and put on ESPN instead. You can’t go wrong with sports, right? I don’t really follow any particular sport, but I do like watching theNew England Patriots. There’s a recap of one of their latest games, so I watch that and drowse a little.
I have no idea how much time has passed when my phone pings with a notification. I grab it sleepily and stare at the message.
dicKmedown:Tell me about it!
I rub my face, then reach for the remote and turn off the game.
BigOnBacks:Just a weird day, is all
dicKmedown:More like a weird kind of life
His reply stuns me. He’s usually very to the point and down to business. I’m not usually into swapping life stories in here, but something about his openness piques my interest.
BigOnBacks:Wanna talk about it?
dicKmedown:Nah. People are just assholes
BigOnBacks:Ouch!
dicKmedown:Yeah, well, present company excluded if you get me off
I smile at the screen.There he is.My dick thickens in my pants, and I rub across the front, tracing the outline with my fingers. This is better. This is who I am. I’m casual and in it for a good time. This is the real Caleb. Why even pretend that I’m someone else, that I could everbesomeone else?
BigOnBacks:I can do that
dicKmedown:Cocky much?
BigOnBacks:Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea
dicKmedown:Please, whatever you call me, don’t call me sweetheart. Anything but that