I know the answer to that. Or at least, I know what it should be, and still, on its own, my mouth forms into a “yeah, sure.” I curse myself the second the words have left my lips, because there’s that light in Kayden’s eyes again. A light that I shouldn’t crave so much. A light I’m becoming slightly addicted to, if I’m being honest with myself. So I backpedal as fast as I can. “You know what? On second thought, let’s do a raincheck on that.”
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Of course.” Kayden twists the kitchen towel between his fingers like he’s trying to strangle it. My heart sinks in my chest, but it’s better I disappoint him now than hurt him later. Because I probably will, if I let this go where I’m afraid it’ll go, the more time I spend with Kayden.
I scratch the back of my neck as I stare at my feet. “It’s just that I have a ton of e-mails, K. The delay left us with quite the backlog.”
“No, it’s okay.” He attempts a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I understand. Some other time. Or not.” He turns, throwing the kitchen towel over the back of a chair on his way out of the kitchen. I follow him, and when we reach the front door, Kayden seems to have put on the mask that I recognize from when he came home from Boston during his transition. I can’t get a read on him, and it fucking kills me. “Thanks for all your help today, Caleb,” he says in a voice so neutral it feels like a punch to my gut. “I’m really grateful you wanted to help me out.”
“Of course,” I mumble, and I wish I could go back in time so we were still sitting on the balcony, the last rays of sunshine caressing Kayden’s curls. I wish I could freeze that moment and pretend, for just a second, that I could be the kind of guy who deserved to sit with Kayden like that every night or on a couch, watching a goddamn movie with him. But I’m not that kind of guy. I never was. And I’m kidding myself if I think I can be.
“See you tomorrow morning?” I say. Usually, I’d give him a hug at this point, but Kayden doesn’t look like he wants to be hugged, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. And I don’t think I could, anyway, without ever letting go of him, so I guess it’s better this way.
“Yeah. See you tomorrow. Goodnight,” he adds when I’m halfway out the door.
“Goodnight,” I say, avoiding his gaze.
The streets are nearly deserted as I drive home, and when I let myself into my house, the quiet hits me like a wall of silence. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve never reacted to another person like this before. The way it was with Kayden tonight… so easy and familiar. I’ve never had that sense of being absolutely content before. I’m always restless, always drifting, moving from one non-relationship to another. I’m always ready to run away as soon as someone wants something from me, but tonight, all I wanted was more. More closeness, more connectedness. And it wasn’t just that. I wanted it withKayden, and not just as an abstract concept. I wantedhim. But he isn’t for me. He’s so fucking off-limits.
I move through my house in the darkness, and when I reach my bedroom, I already know what I need to do. Putting my phone on the bedside table, I turn on the small lamp, then drop onto the bed. I pull off my boots and socks, then stand to tug off my T-shirt and jeans. I grab my phone and plop back down on the bed, resting my back against the headboard. Tapping my phone, the blue light casts a faint glow around me. I need a distraction. Tonight, I need it more than ever. I need to lose myself in some nameless, faceless stranger and forget all about soft golden curls, longing blue eyes, and a smile that takes my breath away.
I pull upPulseand notice I have a new message, sent twenty minutes ago. Opening the chat, his handle jumps at me, like it’s the answer to my desperate prayer. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it’s the universe’s way of handing me a lifeline, at least for a while. I click on the message as I push back the memory of Kayden and how he made me feel tonight.
dicKmedown:Wanna watch me fuck myself with my new toy?
Well, shit.He sure doesn’t beat around the bush. My fingers shake slightly as I tap my reply.
BigOnBacks:Well, someone’s eager
dicKmedown:Who dis?
BigOnBacks:Fuck you
dicKmedown:Sorry. Thoughtyou were playing hard to get, so I kinda started without you.
Damn.How come that’s so hot? My fingers fly across the screen as I type.
BigOnBacks:Show me
Before I can get my dick out, there’s a picture of his perky ass filling my screen, one hand wrapped around a baby-blue dildo halfway inside his ass, the other holding aside a pale pink strap. Fuck, he’s wearing a jock again. The sight does weird shit to my core, a twirling sensation growing like a storm. It’s the hottest fucking thing ever. This time, the camera is angled so I can make out his entire tattoo. I was right. It’s a flower. A dandelion breaking through what looks like concrete. It’s such a cliché thing, really, and still something tells me this guy is anything but cliché. Swallowing, I type.
BigOnBacks:I see you have a thing for pastels
dicKmedown:Maybe. But not as much as I have a thing for your big fat dick in my sloppy little boy hole
“Shit!” I blurt into the darkness of my bedroom, my hand flying to my balls, squeezing them to the point of pain. I almost blew like a fucking teenager. I decide to drop all pretense that I’m not as spellbound by this guy as I imagine people were during the first fucking moon landing.
BigOnBacks:How sloppy?
The image of his gaping hole as I continue to ram myself inside him as deep as I can go is seared into my brain. I lift my hand to my mouth and spit into the palm, then wrap my fist around my leaking cock. I stroke myself lazily, reading his reply.
dicKmedown:So sloppy your cum drips out of me when you come back for seconds, big guy
A groan grows from my throat as I stroke myself faster, circling my cockhead, coating my length in my precum. This guy is hands down the dirtiest motherfucker I’ve ever come across. For the briefest of seconds, Kayden’s face flashes before my eyes. I wonder what Kayden is into. If he’d be into something like this?With me.I quickly squash the thoughtbefore it can take root inside me. This is not Kayden. This is some random dude. This is about getting off and nothing else.
BigOnBacks:Tell me how my dick feels in your ass
dicKmedown:Big. So fucking big. And hot. Like a hot fucking iron rod
Holy. Shit.My balls tighten, and I know I’m seconds away from nutting. I fuck my fist faster as I imagine it’s his slutty hole wrapped around me, all soft and wet, as it pulses with need, coaxing an orgasm from me.