But the Josh in my head. The Josh I thought I knew. The man I loved.
Cursing him out, mostly.
Telling him how pissed off I am at him. How he’s made me feel like a fool. How I hope that beach wherever he is really is worth it. How he can pick up some malaria while he’s there. Howno one’s ever hurt me like this, you bastard!
And it continues to surprise me how many tears a single person can produce.
So it’s really a good thing that we’ve sidelined the fencing. Because I’m sure my tolerance for dehydration is nil these days.
Suffice it to say, I’m doing great on Trina’s homework assignment of feeling my feelings.
And if the cabin project gives me a little peace, a little sense of accomplishment, and yes, let’s just admit it, a little reprieve from the grieving, great.
Once Zach and I have cleared out all of our stuff, I start with my cabin. The sooner it’s transformed to look like a stylish getaway for two, instead of the last home I shared with Joshua Bassett, the better.
I wanted the cabin to look comfortable and inviting, but also to look like it belonged here at Camp Bliss. Rustic chic, I guess. The Bee & Willow 3-Piece Quilt Set in taupe and white for my cabin and gray and white for Zach’s make for neutral centerpieces in each space. I bought three sets of everything for each room so there’s always a clean set on hand.
I chose room-darkening blackout curtains in light gray with a white sheer panel for each window so guests can have an option for privacy and light filtering. The heavy curtains will also help with temperature control.
Zach can help me hang those later, but I make up the bed and set the accent pillows I bought artfully at the headboard. I stand back and smile at my work. The room already looks more sumptuous. A place that would welcome two people to climb into bed after a day of paddling and bird watching. Or tackling the high ropes course and the zipline.
They could come in, have a shower, and wrap up in the white oversized bath towels I picked out yesterday, and collapse onto this sensual bed.
Maybe they wouldn’t even sleep.
I let out a dry laugh. Whoever these imaginary guests are, I wish them more luck than I had in that bed.
I turn away from the stylish bedding and attractive accent pillows and focus on the wall hangings.
Because a hammer is just the thing when one is feeling a rather heady mix of resentment and rage.
* * *
That night,I’m too tired to meal-plan, and I don’t want to get takeout again, so it’s Costco’s Grande Chicken Enchiladas to the rescue. I could microwave them, but I follow the air fryer instructions instead and take the extra eight minutes to make guacamole and tear open a bag of tortilla chips.
The lodge shower was running when I came in to use the kitchen. and as I whip up the guac, I hear it shut off. I haven’t asked Zach what he wants to do for dinner, but there’s plenty of enchiladas if he cares to join me. If he doesn't, the leftovers will keep. I don’t want him to feel like he has to eat with me every meal. I’m okay going it alone. I think.
I hope, anyway.
We’ve eaten together every meal since the BLTs the day Josh took off. And not by any spoken agreement. I just hope he doesn’t feel like I need babysitting.
I wonder if I should say something.
But if I do, then I might end up eating alone.
Maybe I’m not so okay with that.
Shit.
I hear the bathroom door open and focus one hundred percent of my attention on mashing avocado.
Zach pads into the open space of the lodge. A quick glance at the floor shows me he’s barefoot.
If he were going out, he’d have on shoes, right?
Not your concern, Ste. Marie.
I continue mashing. This is going to be the smoothest guacamole in history.