Ava choked on a laugh, and then she laughed full out, squeezing my hands as she did. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
Her laughter was a welcome sight, even if what she’d said left me questioning my purpose. Still, I allowed myself a rueful smile. Even if my judgement sucked, at least we’d made it this far. “Maybe this means I should just take my instincts and then do the opposite, right?” I asked, only half-joking.
Still smiling, Ava shook her head. “No, big brother.” Her eyes narrowed in sympathy. “Just listen.”
“Listen,” I echoed skeptically.
Ava arched a brow and nodded. “You’re better at it than you used to be, but you still have a long way to go.”
I thought about the history of our arguments. Listening definitely wasn’t my strong suit.
“So where is it?” Ava asked.
I frowned. “Where’s what?”
She crimped her mouth with impatience. “The letter Elise sent you. I know you. I know you didn’t throw it away.” Then her eyes hardened, became threatening. “At least you better not have.”
I hadn’t. The letter was in my safe box. Tucked away among our birth certificates, our passports, investment account numbers, and passwords. I hadn’t let myself even look at it since that day, but I also hadn’t been able to throw it away. Locking it in the safe had been the only way I could honor and protect it. It had seemed only fitting to keep it among the other pieces of paper that told me who I was, where I’d been, and what I was worth.
“I still have it.”
Pride suffused my sister’s face. “There’s hope for you yet.” Ava sat back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Now what are you waiting for? Read it, and this timelisten.”
* * *
The letter waseasy enough to pluck from the certificates and financial documents. It was the only one that was pink. The color threatened to slay me now with its sweetness, its innocence. Pink was such a vulnerable color. Like each of Elise’s blushes.
With care, I slid the folded stationery from its envelope and opened it the way one would open a sacred text. I hadn’t looked at it in more than six years, but when I unfolded the page, its power over me felt exactly the same. Her handwriting, her words I felt like a touch. And when I read the words again, I could hear her voice as clearly as if she spoke them against my ear.
July 10,2010
Dear Cole,
Today is my eighteenth birthday. I feel silly writing this to you, so I might not even send it. And I guess if I don’t send it, I can write whatever I want, right? And if I do send it, it wouldn’t be the first time I made a fool of myself in front of you. I mean, that’s pretty much how it’s always been between us.
The years had stolenthis detail from me, and I smiled, reading it again, just as I’d smiled the first time. I’d never thought her the fool. I’d only loved how real she was, and here on the page, though twice removed by time and space, she was just as real.
First,I want to tell you that I spent a long time feeling rotten about the last thing you said to me. I still feel rotten about it, I guess, but I want you to know I’m not angry. I never was. It just hurt — especially after we’d been so close — that the day you left, you seemed to hate me. I can only say this to you now because I have to believe that you don’t really feel that way. That you don’t really blame me or our time together for what happened. If I’m right, and you don’t hate me, the cool thing to do now would be to tell me so.
To my shame,this part I had not forgotten. When I’d read her letter back then, I’d felt a sense of urgency to reach out to her and let her know that I’d only ever blamed myself. That I’d been angry and wrecked the last time I’d seen her, and I’d always regretted my harsh words — even though I’d known I had to let her go. That I could never hate her. That I missed her so much, I couldn’t allow myself to think of her.
But seeing Ava with a needle in her arm had convinced me of two things:
1) I wasn’t free to give any part of myself to Elise or anyone else.
2) Elise was better off without me anyway.
Look what had become of the only person I had left to care for.
And now, with the ruthless clarity of hindsight, I knew Ava was right. My judgment sucked. At the very least, I should have done whatever it took to erase Elise’s memory of that last day. Take away the pain I had handed to her so recklessly. Hell, I should have moved back to Lafayette then. What might have happened if I’d just accepted this sweetest of invitations?
I had to believe that Elise and I would at least be on speaking terms now. That she could stand the sight of me enough to stay at the opening of her best friend’s art exhibit. Or text with me for longer than five minutes. She might even accept my invitation to dinner.
Really,I’d be glad if you told me anything. How are you? How’s Ava? I miss you guys a lot. Mama and I are doing fine. We live in a cute apartment now by The Grand 14, and Mama cooks for Jolie’s Bistro. I don’t think she likes the late nights, and I know she misses the both of you, but it’s a good job.
I still havea year of high school left, but like I said, I’m 18 now. You don’t get to call me a kid anymore. But then again, if you’re still the same Cole I knew, you’d call me a kid just to bug me.
Standingin my little study off the kitchen, I chuckled at this. I hadn’t remembered laughing when I’d read it the first time. Had she sounded so young to me then? Had I appreciated her fearlessness to say these things to me even though she hadn’t heard from me in a year and a half?