“I don’t have many friends.”
I’m not expecting her declaration, so it takes me a few seconds to process she’s said anything. She’s eerily on topic with my thoughts. I glance at her, but she is focused on the crumbs lining the wrapper she’s using as a makeshift plate.
“Sorry, what?”
Her head dips lower, trying to shrink away. A deep sigh later, she places what’s left of her taco down.
“I said, I don’t have many friends.” She shakes her head, a sad huff shooting out of her as her chest caves in. “Truthfully, I don’t have any. That’s why I texted you.”
I place both my elbows behind me, resting them on top of the picnic table, leaning back so I can see her clearly. “I don’t understand.”
Alia waves one hand in the air, like she’s trying to gather words to explain herself.
“I didn’t know anyone except Irsia and Rohan when I moved here. I was reliant on my ex to make any connections at all. He was surrounded by all these high-achieving individuals, the upper crust of society. I was expected to play the part of a perfect wife. Help him maintain the image he wanted to project. When we divorced, I realized the difference between being in a social circle and truly belonging. Three years with those people, and I had no one I could call friend when I left.”
“What about your friends in India?”
“I lost touch with them.”
“Why don’t you reach out?”
“I feel like I’m bothering them if I try to. . . I dunno.” She shrugs uneasily, gazing at the crowd as though she’d like to lose herself there rather than be here with me, where the attention is on her.
“Maybe I’m overthinking it,” she admits quietly. “I’m afraid all they’ll see now is someone they pity. Someone who used to be what they are. Someone who no longer fits.”
Oof.I know it’s not the taco in my system making my insides churn.
“Have you tried to re-establish those friendships, Alia?”
“I met with a couple of them when I was in India earlier this year. It was odd.” She shakes her head as she swipes a finger along the edge of the guac before licking it off. “I didn’t mean to emo dump on you. Sorry. That’s not what you signed up for.”
“You don’t hear me asking you to stop.”
She looks up at me and I see the sadness she’s trying to hide. This woman wears her emotions like most people wear clothes. I don’t understand how anyone who’s noticed this hasn’t bothered to reach out to her. It’s so clear she’s still hurting from the loss of her old life, and for good reason.
I recall the early days after being traded to Monterey. I’d played for two other teams before landing with the Ironhearts. I remember the missed attempts at keeping in touch with old teammates and the sinking realization that they’d moved on while I was still trying to find my footing.
Fortunately, the team’s become my second family; their acceptance has forged strong friendships for me in a way I’ve never had before. I know they have my back as much as I have theirs.
Alia doesn’t have that. Why else would she spill her guts to me when I’ve only known her a couple weeks? How lonely must she be, to take my offer of a friendship and jump right into the deep end?
The more Alia downplays her challenges, the more I want to yank her secrets out into the open. The thought should have me running for the hills, but I reach out to lay my hand over hers instead.
“Emo dump all over me, Tots. I look good in black.”
Her chocolate eyes swirl with an emotion I can’t read before she blinks it away, giving me a small smile. The action seems tired and the pang in my chest worsens.
“I’m ok, Cal. It’s just not quite the same anymore. And it’s me.I’mnot the same anymore. Maybe I’m jealous of what they have. Personally and professionally, they’ve achieved what I couldn’t. I feel. . .“ She groans, dropping her face in her palms as she mumbles, “You’ll think I’m a fool.”
“I promise you, I won’t. Please, tell me what’s on your mind.”
She drops her hands on her thighs with a thump. When she sniffs, the sound settles like dead weight in my gut.
“I feel like a failure.”
The breeze carries her quiet confession to my ears, her whispered pain twining about my heart and squeezing it tight.
“You didn’t fail, Alia.” I have no reason to feel as certain as I do, but I can’t allow her to think so negatively of herself.