“Cal,” she pleads softly.
The pressure within my throat constricts my breath as I realize I’m losing this battle. Something sharp and unpleasant cuts through my gut, twisting my insides to the point where I could scream.
“I assumed I would be enough for you to stay.” My words are so bitter, her face grows ashen.
Jenna chose another man over me. But this time? It’s not even distance or my absence that’s pushing the woman I love to pick someone—something—else.
The woman I love. There. I can admit it to myself because it’s been true for a while.
But it’s not enough.I’m not enough.
Measured against cricket, I don’t make the cut.
The odor of defeat fills my nostrils, stale and pungent.
I wait for her to deny it. I wait for her to say she wants me. That she’ll stay here where we can make this relationship work, without the Pacific and a twelve-hour time difference dividing us.
But all she does is look at me with stricken eyes filled with pity and regret.
Nausea roils up my trachea. Now that I’m allowing myself to feel, it’s too much and it fucking sucks. My defense kicks in, scrambling to hide my emotions before I’m left bleeding all over the goddamn concrete.
“Clearly, this is my problem. I’ll deal with it.” I paste on an unbothered smile—a gnarly shadow of a true grin.“Couple orgasms, some fun.That’swhat you signed up for.”
“Stop, Callum,” she scolds, sounding wounded.
I’m too far gone to rein in my wayward tongue. My hurt manifests itself in a word vomit I know I’ll regret.
“Let’s be honest. This was a friends-with-benefits thing and I got carried away. My bad. I’ll throw in an extra orgasm to make it up to you. But hey, I hope you’re happy. You got what you wanted.” My tone is harsh but the devastation steadily ramping up within me controls me like an empty puppet, flinging accusations and cruel words in a desperate attempt to build walls to shield my wounded heart.
Silence surrounds us in a mist that weighs heavy.Too heavy.
I’m uncertain what the outcome of this standoff will be. For the first time since we’ve met, Alia and I are not aligned.
“You love hockey.” She says it like a question and statement rolled into one. “Imagine what you love, what keeps you going every day, is ripped from you.”
There is so much pain etched across her face, I grimace.
“God forbid,” she rasps, her voice breaking along with my heart, “I’d never want you to get hurt, Cal. You are safe and healthy right now, able to do what you love. But I wasn’t so lucky. My accident shattered not just a dream but completely negated who I thought I was. Suddenly, I didn’t know myself.” She inhales a tattered breath. “This is my chance to figure out who I am not as a player but as someone who still gets to make a difference in the sport that’smylife’s calling.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m torn between wanting to apologize and holding on to this anger. It is so much easier to deal with fury than pain. The rejection I’m experiencing chafes, especially since I was so confident Alia was falling in love with me, too.
“Alia.”
“I’m not done,” she snaps.
I’ve seen her angry before but this? This mix of fury, desolation, heartache, and disappointment makes me ill. I never thought I’d be at the receiving end of it when all I’ve ever wanted was to make her happy.
“I’ve second guessed so many decisions,” she says. “I’ve worked incredibly hard to not question everything I do. You’ve encouraged me to stand my ground, so this is me advocating for myself. I understand you’re hurt, but to reduce how I feel about you to just sex?”
Embarrassment blankets me as her face scrunches in distaste, her color high. Her eyes glitter with unshed tears that tug at the binds around my heart, loosening them.
“This entire exchange has been you accusing me and making assumptions about my actions. When you’re ready for this to be a real conversation, let me know.”
Alia marches off without waiting for a response.
Come back.The words are imprisoned in my throat, refusing to liberate themselves.I can barely think, much less call out her name. I have nothing to say.
I want to be selfish. I’m still angry. And I fucking despise myself.