"It's not," I sob into his throat, my body shaking. "It's r-really not."
Sidney rubs my back, not saying anything while I purge myself—again—of a lifetime of tears. I don't know how long I cry. It feels like forever.
"You done?" he finally asks.
"Maybe."
His lips curve into a grin. "You want me to be nice and comforting, or do you want me to tell you what you need to hear, baby sister?"
"Is there a third option where you just go away?"
"Not a chance," he growls.
"Fine," I sigh. I didn't really think that was going to work anyway. "Say whatever it is you want to say."
"I'm not saying it because I want to say it," he murmurs, his expression soft. "I'm saying it because you need to hear it." He pauses like he's gathering his thoughts. "You've spent your whole life getting what you want because you never back down until it's yours. You fight harder than anyone I've ever met. You're louder, stronger, and braver than anyone I know. You're meaner, too."
"Asshole," I mutter without heat.
"But when it matters the most, you always stand in your own way, Soph," he continues, letting the insult roll off his back. "You pretend that all the shit people say about and to you doesn't bother you, but you're a goddamn liar. You absorb it all, and it's fucked with your head so much that you don't trust yourself anymore."
For the record, I really hate it when either of my brothers is right. It's annoying as hell.
"There are worse things you could do than fall in love with Harlan Ward. Running because you don't trust yourself is one of those things," he murmurs. "You glow with him in a way you don't even glow on stage. He makes you happy. So do yourself a favor just this once. Forget all the bullshit, pretend you aren'tterrified right now, and get the hell out of your own way before you fuck up the one thing you can't afford to fuck up."
"I don't know how," I whisper.
"Yeah, you do." He grins at me. "You do it the same damn way you do everything else in your life, baby sister. You march out of here, guns blazing, and you don't take any prisoners."
He makes it sound so easy.
"We live half a continent away," I remind him. "He spends half the year on the road. I spend it in rehearsal or on stage."
"You think everyone who has ever fallen in love with a professional athlete hasn't stood right where you are right now?" he asks, one brow arched. "That's the sacrifice you make to do what we do, baby sister. You know that, better than anyone. But we figure it out and make it work because no game or performance will keep you warm at night. And they won't ever look at you the way that man has looked at you all weekend."
I glance up at him, startled. "You see the way he looks at me?"
"Everyone sees it, Soph." He snorts. "You think he'd put on a goddamn leotard and tutu for just anyone? Hell no. He did it for you, because there's nothing he won't do for you. You gotta decide how much you're willing to sacrifice for him, too."
"I…" I trail off with a nod.
"You good now?"
"Yes." I cock my head to the side, studying his face. "You're pretty good at this, Sid. I mean, you're still an idiot, but I'm glad you fell for Hattie because it made you less of one."
He just grins at me before dropping a kiss to my forehead. "Eat your lunch so I can tell your man that he can stop pacing a goddamn hole in the floor, will you?"
"I will," I promise, squeezing him hard. "Thank you. I mean that. Thank you, Sid. I don't say it nearly enough, but you and Austin are the best brothers I could have asked for, you really are."
He just pats me on the back, as if to say that he knows.
My heart is in my throat, and I'm not entirely sure it's beating when I stop outside of Harlan's door on the third floor. I'm not even sure he's inside. Well, that's a lie. I know he's in there because I feel him, the same way I always do when he's close.
But I'm nervous as hell that he'll close the door in my face. I can't say I'll blame him if he does. It's what I deserve.
I knock anyway.
And then I hold my breath as I hear him moving around inside.