"And that scares you."
"Yeah."
"Because you think if you want it, you'll destroy it."
"I know I will. Every time I've wanted something good, I've ruined it."
Bozo stands up and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Or maybe every time you wanted something good, you were too young or too scared or in an impossible situation. But you're not thirteen anymore, Rush. You're not that kid with a gun trying to save his sister."
"Aren't I? Because it feels the same. The fear feels the same. The certainty that I'll hurt someone feels the same."
"Feeling it and doing it are different things."
Everyone keeps saying that like it makes a difference.
But it doesn't, not really.
Because the capacity for violence is still there, just under the surface, waiting.
And Everly makes me want to let my guard down, makes me want to believe I'm capable of being something good.
That's what's dangerous.
Not the violence itself, but the belief that I'm safe.
Because the second I believe that is the second I'll prove myself wrong.
Monday afternoon, I find myself outside Trinity again. I've stopped pretending I have a reason.
Everly comes out around four with Maya. They're laughing about something and the sound carries across the street.
She's wearing jeans and a green sweater, her hair is down, and she looks happy.
My chest tightens watching her.
She makes me want things I have no business wanting, makes me think about a future instead of just getting through the day.
With her, I could have something good, something real, something normal.
And that terrifies me.
Because every time I've wanted something good, I've destroyed it.
Octavia tried to help me and I shot her.
Ruby needed me and I ended up in juvie, unable to protect her.
My mom loved me and I broke her heart when I got arrested.
The pattern is clear: I ruin the people I care about.
And Everly deserves better than that.
She deserves someone who won't hurt her, someone who won't make her question whether caring is worth the risk.
Someone who's not carrying the weight of shooting someone kind.
But watching her laugh with Maya, watching her live her life without the guilt I carry, I want it so badly I can't breathe.