"We've been over this."
"I'm serious, Everly. I'm not good for you."
"Stop saying that."
"It's true. You saw what I'm capable of."
She stands and walks over to me, gets right in my space. "I saw you protect me, that's what I saw."
"I saw myself lose control."
"You didn't lose control. You were angry and you handled it."
"I wanted to kill him."
"But you didn't."
I close my eyes and try to breathe but all I can see is juvie, all I can feel is the promise I made.
Never again, never lose control again.
"Rush, what happened to you?"
The question is soft, but it lands like a punch.
"What?"
"Something happened, something that made you think you're a monster. What was it?"
I could lie, could deflect, could walk away.
But I'm tired of running.
"I went to juvie when I was thirteen," I say. "Shot someone, held a kid at gunpoint, spent four years inside."
She doesn't flinch, doesn't step back, just watches me.
"And in juvie I learned how to survive, how to be violent enough that people left me alone. And I promised myself that when I got out, I'd never lose control like that again."
"Okay."
"Okay? That's it?"
"What do you want me to say? That you're a monster? That I'm scared of you?"
"It would make this easier."
"I'm not going to lie to make you feel better about pushing me away."
I drag a hand through my hair. “You’re impossible.”
She huffs out a breath. “And you’re a nightmare.”
Neither of us looks away. Something in the air tightens, pulling too thin, I feel it low in my chest, sharp and unwelcome, like one wrong move and it all snaps.
"I don't know what you want from me," I say.
"I want you to stop hating yourself for feeling things."