My mind leafed through the excruciating memories. “I saved her. I gave her a new name, a new life away from our fucking fathers’.” The sting of betrayal bubbled up inside me. “I gave her my dreams. My heart. I gave her everything! And in the end…”
“She betrayed you, too, like Lina. That’s why you killed her.”
All the physical pain my body had endured so far didn’t even compare to that of her unfaithfulness and abandonment. It hurt so fucking much I wanted to die. And after what Lina did, it fucking hurt even more. “I gave them everything!” I screamed again, louder, scratching at my temple. “Why?!”
“Leo, listen to me. They didn’t understand you. Not everybody can. They couldn’t see you the way you wanted to be seen. They didn’t understand.”
“And you think you do? Just 'cause you read a few books and propped a few sick fucks you think you understand me?”
“Leo—”
“Go ahead, Doc. Give me your fucking diagnosis.”
“Please. I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t be shy. We’re past that now. I’ll fucking help you. Where do we start? Borderline personality disorder? Isn’t that what you call it? Why I either push people away before they reject me or develop obsessions. The reason behind my mood swings and impulses. The reason I can’t find anything to fill the fucking emptiness and so can’t control my anger. Why I go from extreme love to extreme disdain,” I snapped my broken fingers, “just like that.”
“If you please just—”
“Or attachment disorders? Is it DSED? You know, lack of empathy and inability to trust, which leads todelusionaljealousy. Or is it RAD? I always go for unattainable, unavailable strangers rather than the close ones that might actually care. Like rejecting Claudia and going for Lina. Like going for Sia…instead ofyou.”
She sobbed. “Would you please listen to me?”
“Not yet, Doc. We haven’t reached the part where I tell you the details about thetraumathat shaped me. The reason behind my anxiety disorder and never-ending case of PTSD.”
“Your mother’s death.”
“Ding! Ding! Ding!”
“It created your OCPD due to fear of abandonment. It goes hand in hand with obsessive love disorder. The extreme need for control, the stalking, the obsessional jealousy,” she held my gaze, “they’re all so you wouldn’t lose anyone else.”
Except I keep on losing.“Brava. I’d clap if my hand wasn’t tied.”
“Any good doctor can easily tell you those things, and what’s even easier is prescribing a bunch of pills that will numb your urges until your very soul is numb, until you’re no longer you. But that’s only because, like the women that didn’t deserve your love, they fear you. They only see the one side they are trained to see. The faulty one. But have they ever tried to look at the other side? The one that’s incredibly beautiful even in its extremity?”
“Beautiful?”
“Yes, Leo. That’s what you are. Beautiful. That’s how I see you.”
“What do you see?”
Eyes glued on mine, she pushed herself up and sat on the bed. “A person who seeks love and acceptance. The simple rights of any human. The rights he deserves even though life has been so cruel to deny him. I see the pain. It’s weighed down on you, trapped in confusion and endless unanswered questions.” She scooted closer. “I see love, too. The intense love you’d shower a girl with if it wasn’t for the scars. I see loyalty. I see a protector who would stop at nothing to keep the girl whom he makes his whole world safe.”
Her words fastened around my brain, blending themselves into my own thoughts. I shook my head. “Stay where you are, Ravenna.”
She flung her legs and came even closer. So close I felt her breath on my face. “No.”
“You don’t want anywhere near my darkness.”
“You’re wrong. Your darkness is one part of you. I see it, but I see everything else, too.” She reached a hand for my face and carefully touched me. Her lips trembled. “I seeyou, Leo.”
My eyes fluttered closed, and I took a deep breath, filling my nostrils with the scent of her hair that was now caressing my skin, too. But then I flinched, jerking away from her hand. “You should fear me like everybody else.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Leo.”
“Why?”
She looked like she was about to cry again. “Because you deserve to be saved. And no one is going to save you but someone like you.”