“Sometimes we have to do hard things. I’m not scared of that.” She doesn’t flinch.
I should insist on driving her home. But I’m so tired of doing what Ishoulddo. I want her by my side. My brother is complicated, but maybe she can handle it. Maybe I can handle it.
“Do you want to come with me?” As soon as I ask, I regret it. No. It’ll be too much. “Never mind. No.”
She nods. “Let me help. Let me be there for you.”
It hurts to imagine her seeing Chad in whatever state he’s in. When it’s ugly, it’s really ugly. The last time I shared this part of my life, I unraveled and ended up hurting a person I cared about. I cannot do that to Tessa.
“It won’t be pretty.” How many different ways can I warn her and give her an out?
“I don’t need pretty. That’s not real life.”
She’s saying the right things, but the battle tears at my insides. I don’t want her to see this ugly part of my life because right now she thinks I’m better than this. I want to protect that.
But it is your life. It’s part of you.
It’s the weak side of me that wants to bring another person into this situation. Sure, it would be nice to talk things through and maybe come up with a different goddamned scenario for how this turns out. Because all I can see is Chad hitting rock bottom, passed out or worse, in a gutter somewhere, and blaming myself for not getting him help.
“Yeah. Sure.”
It’s more out of defeat than real desire to have her involved. The last thing I want is anyone bearing witness to whatever state Chad is in, least of all someone who is becoming more intertwined with my life by the day.
What if she decides I’m a bad bet to help her raise a kid after seeing the mess in my own family?
“Actually, no. Changed my mind. I’m good.” I hit her with a hard stare, hoping it will scare her into retreating. It would scare anyone else.
But she’s leaning toward me, not away. “Nope, too late. You invited me, and from the looks of things, you could use some moral support. I promise I won’t intrude, but let me be a part of your life. I’m here for you.”
The breath seeps from my lungs. I feel worn out, too exhausted to argue.
“Fine, come, don’t come. I don’t care.”
But I do care. I’m grateful she wants to be here.
She follows me to my truck, and I swing open the passenger door, hold out a hand to help her in, pull the seat belt over her belly, and slam the door. Shaking my head, I walk around to the driver’s side, no idea why I feel the need to make things more complicated by including her in private family matters.
We drive in silence. As I let more air into my lungs, I feel my jaw unclench.
Thank God she has enough sense to know when I want to be alone with my thoughts. Even though so many of my thoughts are of her, wondering what she’ll think of my brother when she meets him, wondering if it will be the last I’ll see of her after she does. Oh well, better to know that now. Get it out of the way.
When we pull up outside Chad’s house, I notice Karen’s car in the driveway. He didn’t mention that.
She opens the front door when I knock and seems surprised to see me, then relieved. “Oh. He called you?”
“Yeah.”
Karen looks thinner, paler. Exhausted.
She nods. “Great. You deal with him. He picked up a night shift at a warehouse, and he’s in no state to go, but he insists. I can’t do this again.” She looks regretful, leaving me with whatever mess I’ll have to clean up, but then she moves past me. Tessa stands to the side. It’s not the right time for introductions or getting-to-know-yous. Karen nods at her, hitches her purse higher onto her shoulder, and leaves.
I waste no time, heading to where I can hear Chad muttering in the bedroom.
“Go away.” He slurs out the words, standing with his head hanging down like a defeated animal. His work uniform hangs from his form, his shirt untucked and his belt unbuckled. “Unless you wanna help.” He gestures uselessly to his clothes.
“You can’t go to work like this,” I say. “Can someone else take the shift?”
“I dunno. Maybe.”