“Do you come to lunch here often?” I ask.
“Mostly with clients. It's one of the better places in the area. I like to be able to walk and not waste time driving halfway across town for a lunch meeting.”
“Makes sense to me.” I wonder when the day will come when I have my own clients and can stop working on other people’s cases. Then I realize that taking on the Tomahawk Corporation could be that very day.
Sally eats her salmon, barely paying attention to her plate, just taking bites and coming up with pieces of case law. I pull out a notepad to keep track of her suggestions, pausing only every few minutes for a forkful of salad.
“Someday I want to be you,” I blurt, not really intending to sound so obsequious, but I can't help it. Everything about what I'm seeing in front of me is tempting.
“Well, you're on your way, especially now that I see where your passion lies. I know it seems like a long time ago, butwe saw potential when we hired you, and I’ve been waiting for something to spark. You’re allowed to love what you do, Tessa. It doesn’t have to be a grind or just a job, but you need to find your passion in it. I was on the hiring committee back then. You may not know this, but I fought hard for you because I saw what you’re capable of when that passion ignites.”
It's hard to believe she saw anything in me when I was a brand-new law school grad with little confidence and no idea what I planned to do with my future. But the idea that she's been behind me all this time makes me realize I've been shortchanging myself by setting my own limitations on my potential.
It's something I noticed in Willow Springs. Or, rather, I noticed that people don't seem to set limits on their potential, even when it seems like they're fighting battles impossible to win.
“I really want to win this case,” I say. “And also, I plan to work just as hard after I have the baby, in case there’s concern about my commitment. And until my due date, I can bank extra hours, stay late, come in early, whatever it takes.”
“It's great to hear,” she says. “But if I can offer you one piece of advice, it’s to use your maternity leave to bond with your baby. Really enjoy it. Because once you have a nanny and you’re back on the partner track, you’ll miss so much of those early years. So get it while you can.”
Her words hit me like a sucker punch. All this time, I’ve been focusing on staying on track and making sure my career doesn’t take a hit once the baby comes, but this is the first time I’ve considered that motherhood might take a hit. Sally must see concern on my face because she offers me a big grin.
“Oh, don’t look so worried. It’ll all work out. You have me in your corner. Meanwhile, enjoy your salad. Tell me about the rest of your life. What do you do for fun?”
Her question surprises me. I came armed with information about water rights, but I didn’t expect to talk about myself.
“Um…” I stutter. “You know, mostly I work.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me? You know, that's not good for someone your age, or any age for that matter.”
She’s almost done with her lunch, and I’ve only had a couple of bites of my salad. Talking about my life outside of work pretty much kills the rest of my appetite.
I don't want to ask how old she is, but I’d guess she's about 20 years my senior, and I wonder what her personal life consists of. From the firm bio page I know she has a degree from Harvard and has practiced at this firm for most of her career.
“Do you have a lot of hobbies outside of this place?” I ask, feeling like I’m prying.
“Oh yes. It's necessary. I play mahjong on Mondays. I'm in two book clubs. I have a gal gang of travelers who love to see the world, and we plan a trip at least twice a year. I also travel with my husband, and I'm really involved with our two kids even though they're in high school and barely know I exist. That doesn't stop me from showing up at every soccer game and school play when they're involved. That's what allows me to come back to work with all the energy I have.”
The more she talks, the more I realize I do have things in my life that refill my cup. Working on plans for the ranch, cooking for my sisters, gardening with Fitz, and soon, motherhood. I need to stop seeing myself as one-dimensional.
“I always thought that working hard was the whole point at this stage of my career,” I admit.
Sally shakes her head emphatically and pushes her plate away. “It’s only part of the point. The rest is up to you.”
CHAPTER 25
Fitz
Seven MonthsPregnant
I rushto get past Santa Barbara and onto the coast highway before afternoon traffic hits. So far, so good. The cars are moving, and I sneak a few glances to my right and see the calm blue Pacific out the window as I head south.
Tessa asked that we have at least one date down in LA so she can show me why she likes it there so much. I didn’t even consider saying no. City life is not my cup of tea, but I want to see it through her eyes. She’s doing the hard work, driving up here all the time while pregnant, facing her fears, and getting on a horse. I don’t have the luxury of coming down on a Saturday or Sunday because that’s when I meet with the restaurant owners and personally deliver their produce.
So it’s an out and back on a Friday, and let’s be honest, I don’t give a shit what we do. I just want to see her. It’s the first time I’ve been down here in a month because her job has kept her in LA and I’ve been busy at the ranch. Enough time for us both tobe reminded that we have separate lives. Enough time for us to drift back to our old ways, at least in my case.
Last night was particularly brutal with Chad passed out at the Hitching Post and me spending the night on his couch to make sure he didn’t go wandering around in a blackout state. The kind of shit that Tessa doesn’t need to see.
Maybe it was a good reminder that when I open myself up a little bit, it can lead to an avalanche of emotions and me spreading my mess far and wide. Next comes promises I can’t keep. I refuse to do that to Tessa.