Sanjay pursed his lips. “Well, maybe by the time you understood you needed to submit, you’d already submitted to him. So you know for a fact that he can top you the way you need. You know you can be safe with him, and that he can hit all the notes you need.” He studied me for a moment. “Maybe, before you seek out another Dom, what you need is a little more time withhimso you can understand yourself better. So you’ll know how to guide your next Dom.”
“Except I can’t be with him,” I whispered. “Not even—wecan’t.”
Sanjay’s forehead creased. “You want to be with him, though, don’t you?”
A sudden rush of emotions cut off my breath, and I stared into my cup again.
He reached across the table and put a warm hand on my forearm. “I don’t know the whole story. So maybe I’m overstepping. But every indication you’ve given is that whatever reason you can’t be with him isn’t because of unkindness or incompatibility.”
I almost choked on a laugh. “No. Far from it.” I chewed my lip. “It’s, um… It’s professional.”
His fingers twitched on my arm. “Ah. I see. Yes, that can complicate things.”
“Yeah. It can.” I picked up my coffee with my free hand and brought it up for a shaky sip. “I mean, we could. We’d just have to sneak around and…” I shook my head. “It’s not a good idea. For either of us.”
“Maybe not. But maybe you should talk to him.”
“Talking to him about this is a terrible idea,” I breathed. “It always ends with…” I squeezed my eyes shut.
Sanjay patted my arm, then let go. “Well. Maybe it’s not a good idea, then. But neither is this. I’m happy to continue afriendship, and I’m happy to answer questions and offer guidance. But I can’t be your Dom. Not even for a scene.”
What could I do but nod? I could hardly argue with him. His unwillingness to make me feel unsafe made me feel quite safe with him, but enough to do a scene with him? I couldn’t give a definite yes, and if I’d learned anything from reading about kink, anything but an enthusiastic yes was an emphatic no.
“Thank you,” I whispered after a while. “I’m glad I met you instead of…” I waved a hand.
“Me too. Which is why, as I said, I’m still happy to offer guidance and friendship. There are unsavory ‘Doms’ out there.”
“There are good ones, too,” I said, almost more to myself.
“There are. I hope you find one.” He paused, then softly added, “Hopefully one as good as the one you already found.”
Ouch.
Sanjay and I stayed at the coffee shop for another hour, mostly talking about things unrelated to kink. He was a nice guy and it was a pleasant experience, and we parted ways with a quick hug in the parking lot.
As soon as I was alone in my idling car, though, the dark clouds in my head started circling again. I couldn’t get Sanjay’s suggestion out of my head. Even after he’d conceded it was a bad idea, it still banged around in my mind.
“Maybe, before you seek out another Dom, what you need is a little more time withhimso you can understand yourself better. So you’ll know how to guide your next Dom.”
I wanted that. I wanted it so bad. More time submitting toDevon. More time learning what the hell I wanted and needed out of this. More…
More time submitting to Devon.
I squeezed my eyes shut and swore, realizing a second too late that what had come tumbling out was“Tabarnak.”God, I was even starting to curse like Devon.
Why did I have to latch on this tightly to a man I absolutely couldn’t be with? Fuckingwhy?
Was that part of my newly discovered masochism? Torturing myself by wanting what I couldn’t have?
I laughed at my own absurd thought. As I sobered, though, I went back to the same place I always did when I wasn’t focused on hockey or something—Devon. Trying to gaslight myself into believing we could make it work, or we could safely sneak away and get this out of our damn systems. Or that, if the opportunity presented itself, he’d want to.
My mind was instantly full of the way he’d looked at me. Not the night we’d fucked, but those nights we fooled around on FaceTime. Those mornings when we’d exchange glances across the crowded banquet hall. When I’d meet his gaze on the ice or in the locker room, and our coach-player façade would slip for just a second.
Closing my eyes, I pressed back against the seat. I couldn’t be imagining all those looks. Or misreading them. Could I?
Fuck. I didn’t know. But maybe I needed to present the opportunity for us to escape everyone and everything. If he said no, then no. End of discussion.
If he said yes, though…