I shrugged. “I really want to make the playoffs. I do. But I feel like…we’re not quite there yet.”
“That’s true. I see your point. But if we can just get the team motivated.” He waved his hand. “And here I am—talking shop. We should finish eating and then go out on the deck. The view is amazing.”
“It’s weird that we’re between the island and the mainland and so this is still the ocean.”
He nodded as he picked up his burger. “The expansiveness was more palpable in Tofino.” He took a huge bite.
I popped a naked fry into my mouth. Once I’d swallowed, I nodded. “Like you look out from the beach and you think, likeHawaii, Japan, and, like, all those other places are on the other side of the world.”
“New Zealand and Australia are on my bucket list.” Jack wiped his mouth with a napkin. “But there’s not much call for a hockey coach there.”
“Well, you could go just for fun.”
He stilled. “What makes you think I ever have fun?” Then he waggled his eyebrows.
“Oh, I figure you have some downtime at some point. A few weeks off before the season. Do you have somewhere to go? Home somewhere?”
He shook his head. “My parents are gone. My ex is a jerk. I didn’t leave anyone behind. You?”
I also shook my head. “I have a friend back in Toronto, but I’m trying to talk him into visiting me out here. There’s a club I want to take him to.” This time, I waggled my eyebrows.
Jack’s eyes widened. “Oh?”
“Yeah. I did some online research, and spoke to some of the members.” I leaned forward. “They have private rooms.” After I’d whispered the words, I sat back. This time, I took a bite of my burger. The mushrooms were positively amazing. If eating like this was healthier, I’d consume these every day. Might get a little expensive, though.
“Sounds like somewhere you might get into mischief.” He held up a fry coated in vinegar. Again, I tasted it without actually having it in my mouth. “You know better than to get into trouble.”
We were still, amazingly, alone in our little corner of the eating area. “Nothing wrong with a little good trouble. Maybe—” He swallowed. “If I join, I’m allowed to bring guests. Masks allowed.”
He swallowed with his throat working. He closed his eyes for a long moment. “I can’t. Even as a guest. As a friend of afriend. Lines might be crossed. Things might happen that can’t be taken back.”
Fuck, we just spent six days that we can’t take back. That I don’t want to take back.If we went to the kink club, with masks, and played in a private room— I blinked.Yeah. He’s right. This is a superbad idea. We agreed our goodbye this morning was the real deal.Except I’d spent my time in the ferry lineup on the island researching this amazing club in Vancouver. Playing there wouldn’t be the same as a full-time relationship…but it would be something. Which was more than we had right now. By mutual agreement. “Just…think about it.”
“Sure.” Said with a finality that let me know he wasn’t going to take me up on my suggestion.
He’s right. It’ll be too hard. Seeing him, touching him…but knowing that’s all it can ever be.I cleared my throat. “You talk to Amy?”
Jack shook his head. “I told her to take some serious time off. Knowing her, though, she was watching game footage. You talk to anyone?”
“Just Lous. He went to San Francisco with Claus and Pells. Pells was a last minute addition, though. He just sort of invited himself.” Pells, as our second pair left defenseman, had a habit of insinuating himself. As a French Canadian, he had exactly zero fear and even less shame. He strutted around the change room like he owned the fucking world.
“So Lous and Claus were going to California alone and Pells invited himself? Well, that’s interesting.” Jack sipped his drink. While I had a chocolate milkshake, I wasn’t certain what he was drinking. Looked like cola or something.
“What is?” I poked at my cooling fries, trying to figure out how hungry I was. Sitting with Jack was torture—I wanted to reach out and touch him. I couldn’t, of course. But that didn’t ease the yearning. And I wanted to tell him what he meant tome. How I wanted us to be together so much that, in my darkest moments, I was considering giving up hockey.
Which was fucking insane. I’d spent my whole life getting where I was. I was a breath away from the big leagues. Making my mother proud was all that mattered.
My gut clenched. Except she also would’ve wanted me to be happy. If Jack made me happier than hockey…?
Nope. Wasn’t going to go there. I had a season to finish. A team to coax into actually, well, winning games. I could do that. I had to do that. To fantasize about an idyllic life with Jack was unfair to both of us.
“Lous and Claus.” Jack waved me off. “Nothing. I just didn’t realize they were that close. And San Fran?”
“Touristy things? Nice blue state. Not as hot as Mexico or other places. Close enough that the flight isn’t too long.” I shrugged. “I might go one time. Maybe I can get Claus and Lous to come with me.”
“You’re interested in them?” Jack’s voice was tight.
I cocked my head. “They’re not…or are they?”