“every second I look at you, I want another”—There’s No Way by Lauv, Julia Michaels
February 2024
The good thingabout having grown up right next to the beach is that I know my way of getting into and out of my childhood home and staying unnoticed. So when I had to use the restroom, I didn’t have to use these unhygienic and disgusting public restrooms, I could just sneak into my parents’ house and use one of the bathrooms there.
But when I come back to the bar and find some random guy sitting next to Luan being all touchy, I wish I would’ve used the stupid unhygienic mobile-like toilets.
I stand there a few feet away from them, barely hearing anything they say while watching and slowly feeling a weird pain start to form in my heart. My mood immediately worsens more than it does every time I think about having to catch a flight in a few hours and leaving Luan behind for however long.
Luan laughs at something the guy says, but unlike he does with me, he isn’t laying his hand on the guys’ thigh when he sighs extra long to calm himself from laughing too much.
I hold my breath against pursed lips, feeling my own hands turn into fists so tight, if they go any tighter, I might as well break my own bones.
Watching them talk and laugh together makes me want to hurl. It makes me want to throw that blond guy across the beach and tell him to fuck off, tell him to leave Luan alone because he’s not interested.
But what if he is?
Blond guy ishere, and I’m an hour away from going back to NYC, going back to traveling for months on end. Luan could see blond guy all the time, whereas we don’t have the chance to meet that often.
They could get into a happy relationship and do all the fun things I want to do with Luan. They could spend days in bed and watch TV or talk. Luan is a great talker, so I know they’ll always have something to talk about. And maybe blond guy likes talking, too. He looks like it because he’s the one who’s talking and Luan’s just laughing.
I don’t make Luan laugh like that.
I’m just taking a step forward when I stop in my tracks again after hearing the guy’s question.
“Can I get your number? Maybe we can meet for coffee some time.”
My breath leaves me in one go, the ache in my heart now pinching. I shouldn’t feel this way because Luan deserves to be happy. He deserves to be with someone who has time for him and can be around. And that isn’t me, still, I want it to be me. It could never be me though, I know that much.
“No, I have a boyfriend,” Luan answers, offering the guy a slim smile. It’s not a genuine one.
“You could still get my number. When you break up you can reach out to me,” the guy suggests.
Fuck off, dude. Luan isn’t interested.
It makes me happy when I know it shouldn’t. Not because Luan has, once again, referred to me as his boyfriend when I’m not, but because knowing he’s still holding on to the thought of us when I never gave him a single reason to do so before last night gives me hope.
Hope is my worst enemy. My father would never accept Luan and I’s relationship, no matter what I’d do. So hope is only going to make me feel worse in the end when I have to accept that nothing will ever happen.
Luan shakes his head. “We won’t break up, ever. Because, God, Grey’s so amazing, you know? He’s all sweet and adorable, and kind, and he came here for my birthday just to see me, even though he lives across the country. He’s so perfect. I know we’ll get married someday, therefore, I don’t need your number.”
“I don’t see your ‘perfect’ boyfriend around here somewhere.” Why can’t he take a hint, what the fuck?
But thanks to the blond guy’s rudeness, I finally get my brain cells back and step forward, approaching them. I wrap my arms around Luan’s neck from behind, looking at that guy with fire burning in my eyes. “Now you do.”
Without having to see Luan’s face, I know he’sgenuinelysmiling now. The thought of his smile alone allows my nerves to calm down.
“You’re dating an ice hockey player?” the guy says in what sounds like disbelief, but I think it’s more resentment. I mean, he knows me, clearly, so I believe it’s just resentment towardme, not ice hockey. “And you still think you’re getting married one day? That’s stupid. Everyone knows guys like him can’t keep a relationship to save their lives.”
“Clearly you have never been with one.” Luan gets off his chair, forcing me to let him go. He turns around and looks at me, smiling like I knew he would. Soft. Warm. Just Luan. “Are you ready to go, baby? We have places to be.”
Baby. My heart does a little involuntary backflip. I am not allowed to feel this.
I nod, even though I know “places” means the airport, and the airport means having to say goodbye.
???
“Are you sure you don’t want to get your bag first? You still have an hour left before check-in even opens. We can make it to my house and back here in time.”