“You’re not a hockey fan either.”
“No, but I have a reason to be there. Plus, I want to meet your best friends, I’m sure they know more about you than I do, so I’m going to have to squeeze some embarrassing stuff about you out of them.”
“Good luck.” The worst bit, all three of them would hand out that information about me on a silver platter.
“I don’t need luck, Grey Davis. You should know by now, I get everything I want.” His grin widens, sure of himself.
I hum, slightly disagreeing until I realize he might be right about that. “Why’d you keep on messaging me despite me never replying?” I start the topic first, needing to know.
His smile doesn’t fall, it stays as bright as ever. “Why’d you keep on reading them?”
Because his messages were the highlights of most of my days. His messages were something I looked forward to every day. They distracted me for a short while, even when most of his messages were about his days. He kept me updated on everything he did, whether it was about soccer, or him getting some food. You name it, he let me know. “Got the notification, so might as well.”
“I figured if you keep on reading them, you’ll respond eventually. I just didn’t quite know what would make you cave yet, so I dideverything. If you hadn’t responded to my message earlier, I would’ve started texting you when I had to pee and all. Every single detail. Besides, the more you know about me, the closer friends we are, right? Also, I needed a boyfriend, and you’re in desperate need for a friend, so why not kill two birds with one stone?”
Honestly, his reasons don’t surprise me as much as I thought they would. It sounds exactly like him. “What do you need a boyfriend for?”
Luan shrugs, then sighs right after. It’s the most defeated I’ve seen him yet. He looks away from the camera when he says, “I don’t know. For stuff you do in a relationship. Talk about anything and everything without really boring the other because they just love listening to you. Have that special bond you don’t have to anyone else. Cuddles. Dates. Inside jokes nobody else could ever understand. Just for the feeling, you know?” After a short moment of silence—averyshort moment—Luan looks at me again, smiling. “I think the last few weeks were a great example as to how our relationship would go. I talk, and you ignore me as best as you can but because you love me so much, you still listen and love me in all secrecy. I like that. It’s like I’m your dirty little secret.”
“You shouldn’t be someone’s dirty little secret, Luan.” If anything, he deserves to be with someone who puts in the effort to keep him. Despite barely knowing him, Luan seems like a really great person, someone you actually want to have around you. He’s what brings light when everything seems dark. He’s bringing joy when everything’s in despair. He brings good into someone’s bad. You don’t hide Luan, you put him on a pedestal for everyone to see.
Which is exactly why he and I could never work out even if I wanted it to. I’d have to hide him from my family when all I’d really want to do is to introduce him to everyone. I’d have to pretend not to know him, pretend I wouldn’t be head over heels in love with him and I couldn’t do that. Ever.
It’s one of the main reasons why my last relationship didn’t work out. I told my friends it was about something that scratched on the surface of racism on Izan’s part, which is only partially the truth.
Yes, Izan did say he can’t believe I’m not in the mood for rice, but it wasn’t what broke us up. I get the stereotypes, some of them are kind of funny, others not so much. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, and I’m really sorry I painted it out to be that way to my best friends.
The real reason we broke up was because our relationship didn’t go beyond our bedrooms, or occasional visits to a bar. But if we were seen together outside, we acted more like friends than lovers. We never held hands, never kissed unless we were both drunk. And that was on me, not him.
Izan wanted to meet my parents, but I shot him down every single time, never giving him a reason why. Eventually, he snapped and said he didn’t want to be my boyfriend if I couldn’t behave like one.
I never made my sexuality a secret, not since I figured out that I don’t want to put a label on myself. But to me, it’s one thing to be in a relationship with a guy I love and another having to introduce him to my father. I can love them in private, but not where my father sees it.
Thinking about doing what I did to Izan, to Luan, doesn’t seem okay to me. Unless I can be sure I’d be there for anyone I date the way I should be there, I cannot do this. A relationship goes both ways.
“I like private relationships,” Luan says, now lying down rather than sitting propped up and leaning against his headboard.
“Private and secretive are two whole different things though.”
“So don’t keep me a secret, Grey Davis. What’s stopping you?”
My father. “We talked for like two hours in total.Youtalked. You don’t know me at all, and although I do know a lot about your days, I don’t know you either. And I am not moving back to Malibu, ever. I don’t even go there, and I won’t be anywhere near El Matador Beach—except for hockey games—for the next ten years. Even if we somehow decided to get into a relationship, we’d never see each other, Luan.”
He grins, and for a moment there I don’t understand how, or why. “Challenge accepted, Grey Davis.”
Chapter 12
“in my dreams / you’re with me”—Imagination by Shawn Mendes
November 2022
I didn’t knowso many people showed up to an ice hockey game.
I mean, sure, I didn’t think there’d be five people in total, but I didn’t think the arena would fill up like at a football game, or soccer game. Then again, I should’ve known since it’s asportsevent. People love watching sports.
The game starts in about twenty minutes, and I thought I was early but seeing that most of the arena is already filled up, I come to think I am late.
The VIP area looks great though, and only half as crowded as I thought it would be, it’s a miracle I found it. I thought I’d have to squeeze in here, but that wouldn’t be all too beneficial for aVIParea, now would it? There are five people in here, two of which are a baby and a toddler, and one is me.