I wastryingto.
“It’s not just that it was good—and oh myGod, it was.”
He bit his lip. “It takes two to make it so.” Then he tilted his head. “Then what?—”
“It’s that it felt… different,” I blurted. “Like I was actually there. Like I wasn’t trying to… match something I thought it was supposed to be.”
Stefan went quiet for a moment. “I can’t speak from experience, but from talking with other men, I know that being in bed with a man is not like being there with a woman. The dynamic is different.” Stefan’s expression softened. “That’s worth paying attention to.”
“But what does it mean?”
“That,” he said in a gentle tone, “is somethingyouget to decide.”
I frowned. “That’s not very helpful.”
“But it’s honest.” He paused. “I’m not going to tell you who you are, or what this makes you. That’s yours.” He tilted his head again. “What Icantell you is that what you felt—being present, being… connected—that’s real. And it matters.”
He’d nailed it. That mattered more than anything else.
“It feels as if something’s shifted,” I admitted. “As though I can’t go back to how things were before.”
Stefan held my gaze. “Maybe you’re not supposed to.”
I looked down at my hands. “It also feels…” I hesitated.
“Go on.”
“Like I’ve been missing something,” I said with a sigh. “Not necessarily this exact thing, not you specifically, just—” I exhaled. “Something I didn’t even know how to look for.”
Stefan was quiet again, and then he laid his hand on my knee.
“That happens. Sometimes it takes a while to recognise what fits. That doesn’t invalidate anything that came before. It just means you’re learning something new about yourself.”
I nodded. That resonated with me. It wasn’t a case that something had been wrong, but more that I’d been incomplete.
I glanced at him again. “And this?” I gestured to the two of us. “What’s this?”
He smiled. “Thisis two people figuring something out.” He pointed to the pot on the table. “Now finish your quark.” He rubbed my thigh, an almost unconscious motion, and I had to admit, it felt good.
I couldn’t resist. “Yes, Daddy,” I said with a chuckle.
Stefan paused his hand, and his gaze met mine.
Oh God.
“That’s the second time you’ve used that word.” His voice was quiet. “Don’t think I didn’t notice.”
I shrugged, aiming for casual and probably failing. “You seem to like it.”
The faintest trace of a smile curved his lips. “I do.” He moved his thumb in a slow circle on my thigh. “It’s a word that gets overused, thrown around without much thought. But that doesn’t make it meaningless.”
I held his gaze. “What does it mean to you?”
Stefan considered that for a moment. “Responsibility, more than anything else,” he said at last.
That wasn’t what I’d expected.
“It’s not about control for its own sake,” he continued. “Or a title you claim because it sounds good.” His gaze seemed to stare past me. “If someone gives you that word, they’re trusting you with something. Their comfort, their boundaries. Their experience.” His voice was still calm, still measured, but there was weight behind it now. “And that matters,” he concluded.