But then, even he could hear the lack of conviction in his voice. There was no doubt that his sister could too.
They had almost reached the house when Lily slowed again.
"Julian," she said, her voice smaller than before.
He stopped. She did not look up at him immediately, her gaze fixed ahead and her hands coming together in front of her as though she needed something to hold onto while she spoke.
"When I said ‘her,’" she continued, "I meant Mama."
Julian had understood, of course. There had been no real ambiguity in it, given the fact she always asked, circling around the same absence without naming it directly. Still, hearing her say it so plainly shifted something in him he had not expected.
Lily glanced up at him then, as though checking whether she had said something she should not have.
"I miss her," she said. "And I always have."
Julian’s breath slowed, though he did not immediately know what to say in response. This was not a conversation they had ever had so directly, not in all the time since everything had changed. She had asked questions, small and cautious ones, but she had never said it like this, never placed it between them so plainly.
"You have never said that before," he said at last.
Lily’s shoulders lifted slightly in a small, uncertain motion.
"I know."
"Why not?"
The question came more quickly than he intended, searching in a way he did not often allow. Lily hesitated again, her fingers twisting together briefly before she answered.
"Because I did not want you to think you were not enough," she said. "I did not want you to think I was lonely. You take care of everything. You always have."
Julian did not interrupt.
"I thought if I said it," she added, "you might think you had done something wrong. But I am not lonely now, because of Eleanor."
The statement was simple, offered without complication. There was a twinge of guilt in Julian's chest knowing that he had likely made that more difficult.
"She stays with me," Lily continued. "She listens when I talk, and she does not mind if I ask the same thing again and again. She makes me feel important, and with her here it feels as though our family is complete again."
Julian drew in a slow breath, his gaze moving briefly toward the house before returning to her.
"You should have told me," he said.
Lily shook her head slightly.
"It would have made you sad."
"That is not your responsibility."
"I know," she said. "But I did not want to make you sad."
Julian looked at her for a long moment. She had been protecting him in the only way she knew how, but now she believed she did not need to anymore. He realized that was because Eleanor had filled something that had been empty.
The thought settled heavily.
"We should go inside," he said.
Lily nodded, looking at him for a moment longer as though she was still waiting for something more, something he did not yet know how to give. As they walked, she stayed close to him again, her earlier ease returning in small ways, though not entirely.
Julian did not speak. Her words remained with him, altering the way he understood what he had done the night before, and what it meant beyond himself.