And then she felt Flint stiffen and grab her by the arm. ‘Ana,’ he whispered urgently, ‘look.’
Ana unpeeled herself from Lol and wiped some tears from her cheeks. And as she turned, she jumped. Because, walking towards her, one arm supporting a large bouquet of white longi lilies and the other threaded through the arm of a joyful-looking Mr Redwood, was her mother.
43
She was wearing a grey tweed jacket with enormous silver buttons, a long black pleated skirt and a very smart grey felt hat, with a lily in it. She looked frail and very beautiful – like an old Hollywood movie star.
‘Hello, darling,’ she said smoothly, as she approached Ana. ‘Hello, Clint.’
Ana stared at her in wonder.
‘What?’ said her mother with pursed lips.
‘Nothing,’ said Ana, ‘nothing. I’m just … really glad you came.’
‘Yes, well,’ she said, fanning herself with a piece of paper, ‘I won’t be staying long. I really don’t think I’ll manage more than few minutes. I’m feeling very weak. But I think I will just say what I came to say and then we’ll be on our way.’
Ana nodded numbly and made way for her mother to pass by. There was a long pause as Gay looked around her and then down at her paper and then around her again. Her eyes were filled with emotion, but her mouth was immobile. Until eventually she began to talk.
‘I’ve been listening,’ she said, ‘from just over there.’ She indicated the gravel path. ‘Listening to you all talking and it’s … well. It’s been humbling. When you give birth to a child, you have so many hopes and ambitions for that child. But generally you’re just happy if they follow convention and don’t harm themselves or anyone else. For most parents that’s the best they can hope for. But when Belinda came into this world, I took one look at her and I knew she was going to be different. I knew she was going to exceed my expectations. And she did. Not in any of the usual ways. She didn’t excel at school. She didn’t have any particular skills. But she exceeded my expectations just by being her. This vibrant, joyful, rude, noisy, colourful, unmanageable, irritating bundle of raw energy and ambition. And do you know why that pleased me so much? It pleased me because she was turning into the sort of person I’d always wanted to be myself. She was born without inhibitions. I was born with far too many. And I resented her, I’m ashamed to say. I resented the way she just took hold of the world with both hands and shook it and shook it and shook it’ – Gay used her hands to demonstrate – ‘until something fell out. I resented her independence. Her strength. And I tried to stifle those things. And eventually she had enough and she left home and went to live with her father. I’m afraid I didn’t make the transition very easy for her, but then she didn’t make it very easy for me either. That was always one of the greatest problems with Bee and I. So different in certain ways and so infuriatingly alike in others. On the rare occasions when we did see each other, we made very hard work out of it. It can’t have been very pleasant for my late husband or for our daughter. But it seemed it was the only way we knew how to communicate. It was a terrible time for me. My eldest daughter was living out all my dreams and ambitions. She was famous. I used to watch her on the television and feel like my heart would burst with pride. But I was incapable of communicating that pride to Belinda. I’m not sure she ever really knew how terribly, terribly impressed I was by her. How in awe of her I often felt. I didn’t really know how to cope with feelings like that for my daughter. For someone I’d created. So, instead of making her feel good about her success, I tried my hardest to make her feel bad about it.
‘And then there was an incident, a long time ago. I’m afraid I behaved rather badly. Bee didn’t forgive me. In retrospect, I can see why. And I never saw her again. And it’s …’ Gay stopped suddenly and clenched her face tight, holding in tears. ‘And it’s the worst feeling in the world knowing that now there’s no way of saying sorry. So – here I am. Hoping that somehow my words will make it through that piece of marble and to my darling daughter. Who was always so much better than me. In every way. God bless you, Belinda. And I’m so sorry …’
She scrunched up her piece of paper and walked away abruptly towards Mr Redwood. Father Anthony wrapped up the proceedings. People laid their flowers at Bee’s grave. Lol gave everyone directions to the pub. People started walking away. But Ana stayed glued to the spot, watching her mother, who was sobbing into Mr Redwood’s handkerchief. Ana had never seen her mother cry before. She’d seen her threaten to cry and pretend to cry and sniff dramatically into tissues, but never actually, really cry.
‘D’you mind waiting in the car for me?’ she said to Flint.
He looked at Gay and then at Ana. ‘Course not,’ he said. He dropped a kiss on to the end of her nose andwalked away. When Ana got to her mother, Amy was already there, chatting away to her.
‘You’re a very brave woman,’ she was saying, clutching Gay’s arm and smiling up into her face, ‘agoraphobia is a terrible affliction. But I’m so, so glad you managed to overcome it for this occasion. So glad. Your daughter was a wonderful girl, Mrs Wills. So kind to me. So charming. One of the few people in this city I would have counted amongst my friends. And Ana is just a delight. Very different to her sister, but every bit as special. You’ve every right to be proud. Of both of them. Really …’ She gave Gay’s arm one last squeeze and Ana watched in wonderment as a small smile started to form on Gay’s face. Not a smug smile, not a wicked smile, not a sly smile, not a fake smile – not any of the smiles in Gay’s usual smile repertoire, in fact. But an embarrassed and slightly pleased smile.
‘Thank you,’ she heard Gay say, ‘that’s very kind of you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling rather faint. I think I’m going to have to sit down.’
‘Of course. Of course.’ Amy smiled at Ana and made her way daintily towards the car park, Freddie trotting along behind her.
‘Mum,’ called Ana, as she started to turn away, ‘wait. Just one minute. Hi, Mr Redwood.’ She smiled at the slim, dapper man in his blue blazer and tan cords and he grinned at her.
‘Hello there, Anabella. You’re looking very well.’
Ana thanked him. ‘I wondered if I could have a moment alone with my mother, please. If that’s all right?’
Mr Redwood nodded effusively and grinned at themboth again before heading back towards his shiny Rover in the car park
Gay turned to Ana. She looked pale and was breathing very heavily. ‘You’ve put on weight,’ she said eyeing her up and down.
Ana rolled her eyes.
‘It suits you,’ she said, ‘you look – nice.’
Ana nearly fainted. ‘Er – thanks,’ she managed.
‘I really am going to have to sit down, Anabella. This has been a very traumatic day for me.’
‘Well – let’s walk then, towards the car. But I wanted to say a prayer first, with you. For Bee.’ She indicated the grave with her eyes.
Gay looked at her suspiciously, then nodded imperceptibly. Ana held her arm while she lowered herself to her knees, and for a moment the two women knelt in silence with their heads bowed. A dog barked somewhere in the distance and a breeze ruffled the thick foliage of an elm tree. Ana thought about holding her mother’s hand, or putting an arm around her bony shoulders. But every time she went to do it, she remembered her mother’s face the day they’d found out about Bee, and the way she’d slapped away her hand. So she didn’t, and after a minute or two, they both got to their feet and started heading back towards the car with three feet of space between them.
‘I’m glad you came, Mum.’