Sophie nods. ‘Yes,’ she says, her heart beginning to race slightly with excitement. ‘Yes.’ She goes to the front hallway and grabs her laptop, brings it to the kitchen table and opens it wide. ‘Let’s find these people.’
Kim and Sophie sit side by side at the kitchen table, Sophie poised in front of the laptop. They look at Mimi’s video again onYouTube and scroll down to see if there are any new messages in the comments section. There are three. They scan them quickly. The last one chills them. It’s from someone called Cherry and it says simply:
Take this down NOW.
45
June 2017
Small gestures of physical affection start to proliferate over the next couple of days.
Zach tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear for her, runs his fingers across the back of her neck, slings an arm across the baby in bed at night that somehow encompasses Tallulah also. The gestures aren’t sexual and they are so fleeting that she barely has time to register them and complain. She sees her mother’s face sometimes, when she catches a glimpse of one of these encounters, the flash of a warm smile, no doubt thinking how lucky Tallulah is to have such a loving, attentive man in her life. But the gestures make Tallulah’s flesh crawl. She wants to slap his hand away, hiss at him tofuck off. And all the while, the memory of the little black box in his jacket pocket pulses through herconsciousness like an insistent, low-level alarm going off somewhere in the distance. She can feel it in the air, the build-up to it. Every time Zach clears his throat or calls her name she catches her breath, terrified that he is about to propose to her.
And then, one sunny June afternoon, he glances up at her from where he’s lying on the bed with his laptop and he says, ‘You know. I’ve been thinking. I’ve been too obsessed with this flat. Too obsessed with saving up. I’m thinking I might like to splash a bit of cash.’ He smiles at her. His tone is light and playful. ‘How about a night at the pub? You and me? My treat?’
‘Well,’ she begins carefully, ‘I can’t really at the moment. I’ve still got so much work to do for my exams.’
He sits upright, eyes her eagerly. ‘When’s your last exam?’
She shrugs. ‘Friday next week.’
‘Right then,’ he says, ‘that Friday. We’re going to the pub. I’ll talk to your mum about sitting with Noah. And I’ll book us a table.’
Her heart sinks. This is it. ‘Oh,’ she says lightly. ‘Honestly. Don’t waste your money on me. I’ll be shattered that night; I’ll be shit company. Why don’t you go with your mates?’
He shakes his head. ‘No way! I’m not paying for my mates to get wankered. No, just you and me. It’s a date.’
Her gaze must have betrayed her thoughts as he sits upright and moves across the bed towards her. ‘No pressure,’ he says, taking her hands inside his. ‘No big deal. Just a nice night out because we deserve it. OK?’
She doesn’t have the energy to counter so she nods and forces a smile and she thinks that she will cross that bridge when she gets to it. And at least this way she won’t be living on her nervesexpecting the proposal any moment. At least this way she has some breathing space, some time to prepare. And then he kisses her hands before letting them go again. ‘I’ll leave you to get on with it,’ he says. ‘I’ll do Noah’s tea. Yeah?’
She nods. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Yes, please. Thank you.’
He leaves the room, pulling the door closed quietly behind him, a gesture so incredibly unlike Zach, who usually engages inanimate objects forcefully and noisily, that it chills her to the bone.
The following day at college she finds Scarlett at lunchtime.
She takes her to the path at the back of the art block and says, ‘I think Zach is going to propose to me.’
‘What!’
‘He bought a ring. I found it in his pocket. And now he wants to take me out on a date next week. And he’s being just super nice and attentive and sweet.’
‘Oh fuck, Lula. What are you going to do? Please tell me you’re going to say no.’
‘Of course I’m going to say no. Of course I am. But then what? He’ll go mental. He’ll threaten to take Noah away from me. He’ll make my life hell. The only reason he’s being so nice is so that I’ll say yes. Or that if I say no, he’ll be justified to go nuts.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ says Scarlett, clasping Tallulah’s arm. ‘It does not matter what he says or what he thinks or how he reacts. You owe him nothing. That baby is yours. Your destiny is yours. He’ll just need to accept that no means no and move on.’
Tallulah nods. But she’s not convinced. Noah is hers, but he’s Zach’s too. And Zach is the sort of father that a boy should growup around: physically affectionate, loving, hard-working, loyal, reliable, a good role model. For a crazy moment she wishes Zach were more like the young deadbeat dads beloved of the tabloid press, the ones who spread their seed and move on, the ones who forget birthdays and don’t turn up for access visits. She’d have no qualms about keeping Noah out of his life then. She wouldn’t feel guilty about forcing them to live apart, for whittling Zach’s relationship with his son down to rushed weekend visits in a lonely flat.
‘But what if he can’t move on?’ she says. ‘What if he doesn’t take no for an answer? What if he makes a scene? What if Noah never forgives me? What if I regret it?’
‘Regret it?’ Scarlett repeats incredulously. ‘How on earth would you regret not marrying a guy you don’t love? Who wants to trap you in a box somewhere? Are you mad?’
Tallulah shakes her head. ‘No, but it’s just … I don’t know. Think how many women, girls, would love the chance to be a proper family. Would love a guy who’s prepared to put his family before everything. And if I say no, that would be like saying no to some people’s dream.’
‘Yes. But not your dream, FFS. Not your dream. Tallulah.’ Scarlett looks hard at her. ‘What do you want? What’s your goal in life? Once you’ve finished college? Once your baby’s at nursery? Where do you picture yourself?’