‘Scar, it’s fine. You don’t need to explain.’
‘Yeah, but I do. I do need to explain. I need to explain it to myself, if anything. I’ve always just been such a “do it first, think about it later” kind of person. I never think through the consequences of anything I do. Look.’ She draws in her breath and turns hard to face her. ‘I know you think I’ve had this charmedlife and that nothing bad has ever happened to me. But something bad has happened to me. Something really bad. Not long after you and me first met. It’s why I dropped out of college. It’s why I couldn’t face anyone for so long.’
Tallulah glances at her, quizzically, and waits for her continue.
Scarlett sighs and says, ‘Come to the pub with me? When we get off the bus? I’ll tell you everything.’
They slide into a quiet corner of the Swan & Ducks with a Diet Coke for Tallulah and a hot chocolate with a shot of rum on the side for Scarlett. The pub is virtually empty at this time of the day, the summer sun bright through the windows. A man sits at the bar with a beagle spread out at his feet and Scarlett points at the dog and says, as she does about every dog she ever sees, ‘That’s a good dog.’
‘OK then,’ says Tallulah, ‘I’m ready to hear your dark confession.’
Scarlett wriggles slightly. ‘I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this. You’re going to hate me more than you already do.’
‘I don’t hate you.’
‘Whatever. Just promise me you will never, ever tell another soul what I’m about to tell you. Not ever.’
‘I swear.’
‘Seriously. Never.’
‘Never.’
Scarlett blinks slowly and composes herself. ‘Early last summer,’ she begins, ‘at the start of the holidays, I was kind of alone a lot. Liam had gone back to his farm. Mum was back and forth from London. Everyone was away and I was really boredand really lonely. I mean, really, really lonely. And one day I went into school’ – she points at the Maypole across the common – ‘just to go and say hi to Lexie Mulligan. Because I was so desperate for someone to talk to. I took the dog and we went through the woods. It was a really stunning day. I was wearing, like, a slip dress and boots and I was sweating hot, even in the shade of the trees. And then I realised there was a man coming the other way and I felt a bit scared, a bit like I wished I had a fucking Rottweiler instead of Lord Drool-a-lot, and that I was wearing more clothes. But then he got a bit closer and I realised I recognised him. He was familiar. And then I saw his dog and I knew that it was Mr Croft.’
‘Mr Croft?’
‘Married to Jacinta Croft. The head teacher. You know, tiny weeny woman, looks like a Polly Pocket on HRT?’
Tallulah shakes her head. She’s never paid any attention to anything that happens at Maypole House.
‘You’d recognise her if you saw her. Anyway, she’s married to Guy. He’s kind of tall and bald and quiet. He’s a web designer. Works from home. Looks after their kid. Keeps himself to himself. And I swear, I’d never even noticed him properly before that day. I only recognised him by his dog. A black Lab. Nelson. Literally, just the loveliest dog ever.’
Tallulah glances at the time on her phone from the corner of her eye. It’s nearly four. She’d normally be home about four fifteen. She can feel her window of freedom shrinking as Scarlett tells her about a dog called Nelson.
‘Anyway, so of course Toby dragged me over to say hello to Nelson and while Toby and Nelson were chatting, me and MrCroft started chatting too and he told me he was home alone, that Jacinta was at their London house with their son for a few weeks, he was going to join them later in the summer, that he had a project to finish, yada yada yada. And as he was talking I could see his eyes kept going to my boobs and I don’t know why, because it should have been as creepy as fuck, but for some reason, it just really turned me on.’
Tallulah bangs her glass of Coke down on the table and coughs as the liquid hits the back of her throat. ‘Oh my God,’ she gasps. ‘Please stop. I don’t want to hear any more.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. It’s gross. But bear with me. It gets worse.’
‘Oh, Christ, Scarlett. I’m not sure I can.’
‘So yes, we were chatting about really boring shit and I was thinking, I want to fuck you, and I was probably ovulating or something, I dunno, but I looked at him and I thought: Now, do it to me now. And …’
Tallulah puts a hand between them and closes her eyes. ‘Honestly. I can’t.’
‘Please,’ says Scarlett. ‘I have to purge. This is important.’
Tallulah sighs again. ‘Go on then.’
‘I could tell he could feel it too. And seriously, he’s, like, in his forties. And bald. And not even that good-looking. And I told him I was walking up to the school and he said he’d walk with me and we were chatting and the sexual tension was building and then we came out of the back of the woods and we were facing the back door of his cottage in the grounds and he said, “Come in for a glass of water.” And that was that.’
Tallulah throws her an appalled look. She has no idea how to respond.
Scarlett continues: ‘We spent the whole of that month fucking. Literally, that was all I did for a month. Walk the dog through the woods, knock on the back door of Mrs Croft’s house, he’d let me in, we’d fuck. I’d leave. And it was amazing. Kind of seedy, but amazing. It’s like, you know, sex is such a weird stupid thing when you think about it, about the mechanics of it. About what a man does and what a woman does and what it’s for. If you think about it for too long you’d never want to do it again because it’s gross. But that was the thing. Neither of us was thinking. We were just bored and lonely and horny. I can’t explain it any other way. When I look back on it, I don’t even get it. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was like this warped, twisted holiday romance. And anyway, after a few weeks he went up to London and I went off sailing with Rex and my mum and then it was September and Liam came back to college and I started at Manton and me and Guy both agreed to quit it and get on with our lives. And for a while it was fine. I didn’t see him around and he didn’t get in contact. But then, kind of around the time I first met you, that day on the bus, he was in the Co-op and I was in the Co-op and our eyes met and we made some kind of inane small talk and I scuttled off feeling really confused. Next thing he’s sent me a fucking dick pic.’
Tallulah gasps again and covers her mouth with her hands. ‘No,’ she whispers through her fingers.