‘Thanks.’
Scarlett issues a nervous laugh. ‘God, Lules. You’re a mummy.’
Tallulah sighs and nods.
‘Why didn’t you fucking tell me?’
‘Could you not,’ Tallulah begins, hating herself for saying it, but needing to say it because the words physically hurt when she’s in front of her baby, ‘could you not swear? Do you mind?’
Scarlett muzzles herself with both her hands. ‘Shit,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s fine. It’s just, he’s at that age, you know, when he’s starting to try and talk. And I couldn’t deal with it if that was his first word. You know.’
Scarlett nods and smiles. ‘God. Yes. Of course.’ She brings herself back to standing and puts her hands in the pockets of a weird patchwork blouson jacket. Her hair is short and messy and she has an outbreak of spots around her mouth. But still she takes Tallulah’s breath away.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asks, again.
Tallulah shrugs. ‘I don’t really know.’
‘And so this is why you’re stuck with that loser. I finally understand.’
Tallulah feels her defences rise. ‘He’s not a loser.’
Scarlett shrugs. ‘Whatever.’
They stand and stare at each other for a moment. Noah starts to moan a little and kick his feet. ‘I’m taking him to the pond,’ Tallulah says. She doesn’t add,Do you want to come,but Scarlett follows her anyway.
‘I can’t believe you, Lules. You binned me off because I kissed my ex, and all the while you’ve got a secret fucking baby.’
Tallulah throws her a stern look and Scarlett says, ‘God. Sorry. Yes. But I just can’t even … I mean, no one at college knows you’ve got a baby. I don’t get it, why wouldn’t you mention it?’
‘That’s not true actually. There are plenty of people at college who know I’ve got a baby, just not people you would ever think about talking to.’
Scarlett tuts and says, ‘Oh, right, yeah, make me out to be the villain here. It’s always me, isn’t it? Never anyone else. And who cares, anyway, the deal here is that you kept this, like, huge secret from me and I never kept anything from you. Not ever. I was always totally honest with you. Even on that last Sunday. I could have kicked Liam out and made sure your paths didn’t cross. But I didn’t. Because even though what I did was a bit suspect, I didn’t want to deceive you. I couldn’t lie to you. I’m incapable of lying, basically. That’s one of my biggest problems. So, wow, I mean, this …’ She gestures at the buggy. ‘I mean, just wow.’
Tallulah puts the brake on the buggy as they reach the edge of the pond and leans down to undo Noah’s straps, before liftinghim out. ‘It’s not the same thing,’ she replies, tersely. ‘Not the same at all.’ She takes a slice of the stale bread from the bag and tears a bit off.
Noah grabs it from her hand and tries to throw it into the pond but it drops at Scarlett’s feet. Scarlett picks it up and hands it back to him and says, ‘Try again, buddy.’
She puts her hand over his and gently guides his arm into a proper throw and cheers when the bread hits the surface of the pond. ‘High five!’ she says, touching her hand against his as he stares at her in wonder.
‘You know I bloody love babies, Lula. I even told you that I love babies. I just don’t get any of this.’
Tallulah tears off another piece of bread and guides it into Noah’s hand. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I should have told you. You’re right. But I didn’t because I wanted you …’ She pauses to find words that won’t make her sound as bad as she feels. ‘I wanted you to think I was like you. You know. A free spirit.’
‘But you’ve got a bloody boyfriend! How less free can you possibly be than that?’
‘Yes, but a boyfriend isn’t permanent. A child is permanent. Wherever I go, he goes. Whatever I’m doing, I’m his mother. Twenty-four-seven. For the rest of my life. And it’s a lot, you know.’
‘Fuck, Lula.Lifeis a lot. All of it is a lot. You and me, we had this thing, this amazing, amazing thing that I thought was the most important thing that had ever happened to me. From minute one, that day on the bus, I saw you and I knew, I knew everything that was going to happen, that you and I were destined to be together. And then we were, and you made me so f—’ She glancesat Noah and pauses. ‘You made me so happy. And I know, I know what I did with Liam was wrong, but I suppose I just thought that as long as you had Zach in your life, as long as you made a secret out of you and me’ – she gestures between them with her hand – ‘then we weren’t real.’
They both clap then, as Noah’s next attempt to throw bread lands successfully and a group of ducks draws quickly towards it. Scarlett puts out her hand and cups the back of Noah’s head. ‘God,’ she says. ‘He’s so precious. He’s so, so precious.’
Tallulah feels something in her gut, a kick of pleasure, but also of fear. She pulls Noah slightly closer into her body and Scarlett lets her hand drop from his head.
‘You know,’ she says, ‘we could do this. We could. I feel like you think I’m some kind of beautiful idiot, you know? And I know I do play up to that. I do. People are easier to deal with if they underestimate you. But I’m not an idiot, Lules. I’ve lived a life, things have happened, bad things. I’ve grown and learned and … and … matured. I could totally do the baby thing. With you. But the question is … are you ready to be honest about us?’
Tallulah glances at her questioningly. ‘You mean, tell people?’