“I know.” She sighs. “We’ll tell her. Can we just… take a minute to decide the best way?”
My heart is torn. I can’t lose my daughter, but I also know that I can’t live without Mandy and Mia in my life. The love that I have for this woman is unlike anything I’ve ever known. I’ll do anything to make her happy.
“We don’t have to decide tonight, and I agree to give you some time to decide if I’m what you want, but, baby, I’m all in. You’re my end game. You and Mia.”
I part my lips to keep going. To tell her that I’m in love with her, but I hold back. She needs to come to terms with this. Tonight, we pushed past every invisible boundary we set for ourselves and those society has set for us. She needs to decide if I’m what she wants for her future.
If she decides we’re done, I don’t know how I’ll be able to be near her without her being mine, but it’s a decision she has to make. I’ll respect it no matter what she decides, but right now, I don’t want to think about anything but holding the woman I love in my arms.
Eighteen
Amanda
* * *
I’ve been an emotional mess today. Not the kind where I’m sitting down and bawling my eyes out, but the sappy kind because today, my baby girl turns one.
I can’t believe it’s already been a year since she came into my life. A whole year of firsts, late nights, sleepy cuddles, tiny giggles, and learning what it really means to love someone with your whole heart.
A year ago, my life looked very different from what it does today. I walked away from a marriage that wasn’t built on honesty or respect, and I stepped into the unknown on my own. It was scary, painful, and overwhelming at times. But somewhere in the middle of all of that, the greatest blessing found its way to me.
Mia.
My daughter didn’t grow under my heart, but she was absolutely meant to be there. The day she came into my life, everything shifted. The hurt, the fear, the uncertainty, it all started to make sense because it led me to her.
The past year hasn’t always been easy, doing it on my own, but it has been the most beautiful, life-changing year I’ve ever known. She gave me a reason to rebuild, to heal, to laugh again, and to believe that something good can come from the hardest chapters.
I learned that it really does take a village, and that it’s okay to ask for help when I need it—or just need a moment to breathe on my own. That took some time, because the guilt of not being everything all at once was suffocating. But I have a great group of friends who helped me see it’s okay.
Watching Mia grow this past year has been the greatest gift. Her smile, her curiosity, her little personality that gets bigger every day, she reminds me constantly that love creates family, not biology.
So, yeah, I’m a little emotional today. Because one year ago, my life was forever changed by a little girl who made me a mom. My daughter saved me in ways she’ll never understand. She was my light in a moment of darkness.
“You okay over there?” Bellamy asks, tapping her hip into mine. “You were somewhere deep in your head.”
“I am.” I smile, a real one, not forced or fake. “I was just thinking about the last year. I can’t believe she’s one already.”
“Time flies,” she says. “They really do grow up too fast.”
“They do. She’s made this last year bearable. I can’t imagine not having that little girl in my life.”
“You’ve been happier,” she says. “You smile more, and you don’t seem as stressed.”
I shrug. “Life is finally balancing out,” I tell her, even though the heaviness of the guilt I carry weighs on my shoulders. I should tell her. We should tell her. Will wants to, but he’s holding off for me. I know it’s wrong, but I’m so scared that I’ll lose both of them. Mia and I need them, all of them, and I don’t know how we’re going to navigate that.
I just need a little more time.
Besides, what if Will changes his mind? Do I think he’s going to? No, I really don’t, and that’s scary, too, because then I have to admit, even just to myself, that I’ve fallen in love with him, and my heart tells me that he loves us, too.
Bellamy wraps her arm around my waist. “I’m glad. You deserve the best,” she says.
I swallow back the lump in my throat. “Thank you. And you and Reid are amazing for letting me have her party here. My place definitely isn’t big enough to house everyone.”
Bellamy waves her hand in the air. “We’re happy to help. That’s what family does. Besides, my niece needed a pool party for her first birthday and not one with a bunch of strangers walking around.” She winks.
“I love you,” I tell her. I do. Bellamy has been my best friend since we were kids, and the thought of losing her causes my chest to ache. But the thought of losing him hurts just as badly.
“I hear this is where the party’s at?”