I swallow. “Morning.” My voice comes out softer than I intend, with a slight rasp from sleep.
Mia shifts in her Pack ’N Play. The unit gives a quiet squeak, and my heart leaps into my throat. I freeze, every muscle going rigid. Will’s arm tightens instinctively around me, his fingers flexing as if to steady me, or maybe to steady himself.
We’re both still as we listen. Mia exhales, long and even, and then goes still again.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
Will’s nose brushes lightly against my hair. “You’re tense,” he murmurs.
“I’m nervous,” I whisper back. The reality of where we are, that we slept in the same bed, risking being caught, spikes my adrenaline. The line between right and wrong in this instance is thin, and we keep crossing it, pretending as if we haven’t.
He doesn’t respond right away. His thumb starts tracing circles against my stomach, beneath my sleep shirt, slow and absentminded. It’s such a small touch, but it feels intimate in a way that makes my chest ache.
“If you regret it, I don’t want to know,” he whispers. “I wouldn’t trade last night, holding you and getting to wake up with you in my arms, for anything. I knew what I was asking for, and I don’t want to forget it happened, or take it back.”
I know he did. That’s what makes it worse, because I wanted him to hold me. While my anxiety now that I’m awake is at an all-time high, I can’t find it in me to regret it either. And that is not good news for either of us. One of us needs to remain level-headed about whatever this is, and that it can’t happen, no matter how badly we want it to.
I close my eyes briefly, leaning back despite myself, just enough to feel him more fully behind me. “I know.” But knowing doesn’t seem to change anything.
Outside, a gull cries sharply, and sunlight begins to slip through the crack in the curtains, painting thin gold lines across the carpet. In a few minutes, Mia will wake up. We’ll get dressed, go down for breakfast, and pretend like last night never happened. We’ll attempt to act normal, as if we didn’t break any rules. I’ll pretend like we didn’t gravitate toward one another in the dark. I’ll ignore the fact that I can still feel his goodnight kiss against my temple as we fell asleep. I’ll have to act like I’m not acutely aware of how my body fits perfectly next to his.
Will shifts slightly, propping himself up on one elbow behind me. I can feel his gaze on my face, searching. “Are you okay?” he asks.
It’s such a simple question. I stare ahead at the pale strip of sunlight creeping higher up the wall. My heart feels too big for my chest, crowded with things I don’t want to name. I want to tell him I’ve never been more okay, and while that’s true, I’m also scared, and the guilt of lying like this with my best friend’s dad is a constant heaviness on my chest.
“Ask me that after coffee,” I say lightly, even though it’s anything but light.
His quiet laugh rumbles against my back, warm and familiar. “Deal.”
But neither of us moves.
Not yet.
Once we leave this bed, we have to go back to just being acquaintances, roommates for the vacation, and we have to pretend like there’s nothing between us. We both want to savor this moment, this connection, for as long as we can. We want to pretend that even beyond the walls of this bedroom, we’re together.
My marriage to Ethan made me good at pretending. However, I never felt for my ex-husband what I feel for the man holding me in his arms, as if I were something precious to him. I loved Ethan. It was a young love that grew and then dissipated very soon after. This… I can’t name it. No, that’s not true. I’m afraid to name it. I think about him all the time. I crave his touch and feel as though I’m starved for his kisses.
Mia starts to babble, and I know my time with him is over. I need to tend to my daughter, put on my game face, and join everyone else. I have to act like my heart’s not invested in this man. Because even though I can’t say the words out loud, I can at least admit them to myself.
“I’ll get her,” he says, pressing his lips to my cheek.
“You don’t have to,” I say, but he’s already climbing out of bed and moving.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says, lifting her into his arms. Mia snuggles into him, and he hugs her tightly. “Did you sleep well?” he asks her, going back to the side of the bed he just got out of. He sits with his back propped up against the headboard. Mia lifts her head and smiles when she sees me but makes no move to leave her spot with Will.
“She loves you,” I tell him.
Will’s eyes find mine. He swallows hard, nods, then turns my world upside down when he says, “I love her too. Seems like the Holton ladies have a thing about wrapping me around their little fingers.” He kisses Mia’s head, but his eyes never leave mine.
I blink back tears before forcing my gaze from him to my daughter. “Morning, sweetie.”
“Mommommom,” Mia chatters, and my heart flutters in my chest.
“Come here, you.” I sit up and reach for her. She comes to me with glee. “Mommy loves you,” I tell her, kissing all over her face, before wrapping her into a tight hug. She squirms away from me and moves back to Will. Climbing onto his lap, she kisses him, right on the lips, before dropping to her butt and crawling back to me, doing the same thing. “You’re giving out all the love today, huh?” I ask her, and she just giggles.
“Why don’t you take your time getting ready? I’ll take Mia downstairs and get her some breakfast,” Will offers.
This man is offering so much of himself for us, but I have to start building my wall back up after letting it crumble to the ground last night. “Thank you, but I’ll take her into the shower with me and meet you downstairs. You can shower first.”