“Whatever it is, you can say it.”
“I don’t want to tell her.”
I don’t need to ask who her is. I know she’s talking about Bellamy. “This is complicated, but I don’t want to hide you. I want you. I want more nights like tonight.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I can’t lose her, and I know how hard you worked to have Bellamy back in your life.”
My heart sinks, but I know she’s right. This is more than a risky play. This is risking my relationship with my daughter and a lifetime of friendship. There’s too much at stake. That doesn’t make the longing fade, but it makes the choice clear.
I take a deep breath, forcing a smile I don’t feel. “You’re right,” I say quietly. “We can’t… We shouldn’t.”
The tension between us hangs for a moment longer, thick and unspoken. Then, slowly, I bring her lips to mine, kissing her slowly, hoping this kiss says what my words can’t. That I hate this, that I still want her, and that I probably always will.
These past couple of months, she’s become something more, something I’m too afraid to name. And fuck me, this hurts, knowing that I have to let her go. The warmth of her in my arms, the pull of desire sparking between us, it’s all still there, but it belongs to another life. One we can’t have.
Sometimes life isn’t about getting what you want. It’s about knowing what you have to let go. And tonight, letting go is the only thing that makes sense.
Pulling out of the kiss, she slides off my lap and offers me her hand. Together, we make our way back upstairs, and I pick up a peacefully sleeping Mia and carry her down to the car. Once they’re both buckled in, I lean my head in through the window. “Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.”
“Okay,” she says, sadness in her voice.
My heart is shattering, and everything inside me says this isn’t what we need, but I know that’s the desire talking. No matter how badly I want her, this is the right choice. “I want you to know, this isn’t what I want.”
She nods, a single tear flowing down her cheek, and she quickly swipes it away before I can. “I know, but it’s what’s right.”
I nod, even though my heart tells me it’s a lie. “Be safe, Mandy.” I lean in and kiss her one more time before standing and nodding for her to go. She slowly backs out of the garage, and I walk outside, following her taillights until I can no longer see them. Forcing myself to go back into the house, the one that feels even more empty than before they arrived, I pace until her message telling me she made it home safely comes through. Only then do I retreat to my room, where sleep never comes.
Fourteen
Amanda
* * *
There’s a pep in my step as I unload my suitcase and everything else that I’m taking on vacation for Mia, so that we can reload it into Reid and Bellamy’s Suburban. I made a list, checked it what feels like a million times, and then added more than I needed. It’s my first time being away from home with Mia, and I want to make sure I’m prepared. Sure, I could buy what I need or borrow from one of the others, but I like to be prepared for any scenario.
“I’ll get that,” Reid says, grabbing my large suitcase and the Pack ’N Play and moving toward the back of the Suburban.
“Should I move my car?” I ask, handing him the suitcase I packed for Mia, along with another duffel bag containing toys, blankets, extra diapers, wipes, and formula. I still need to get my purse and the diaper bag from the back seat. Traveling with an eleven-month-old is no small feat. Not that a two-year-old is any better. From the looks of the back of the Suburban, Bellamy packed more than I did.
“Nah, it’ll be fine,” Reid says, putting the last of the bags in the SUV. “Car seat?”
“Oh, right, let me get that.” After rushing toward the car, I unfasten her car seat and tug it out. Reid is standing there to intercept it and handles placing it in the car. “Thank you.” I smile at him.
“Any time. Why don’t you go tell my wife and daughter to get moving?” He laughs.
“Hey, my daughter’s in there, too.” I pretend to be offended, but he knows better. Bellamy insisted she watch Mia while I got everything loaded, which I’m thankful for. Reid chuckles as I head into the house to tell Bellamy we’re ready to hit the road.
As soon as I step inside, I hear laughter and see Mia crawling on the floor, chasing after Coral. Bellamy is sitting on the couch, watching them with a smile on her face. “Hey,” I greet her. “We’re all loaded up and ready to go.”
“Perfect. Girls, are you ready for vacation?” she asks.
Coral stops, cheers, and claps. Mia immediately plops onto her diaper-covered bottom and claps, too, smiling widely. I wish I had my phone, but it’s in my car with the diaper bag.
“Is there anything I can help with?” I ask Bellamy.
“Nope, I just need to grab Coral. Everything is already in the SUV, ready to go. Reid even took my purse out with him earlier. I know we planned this, but the guys are just as pumped as we are.”
“That’s good. At least they’re not complaining.”