He considers me, his head tipping to one side. ‘Yousaw it.’
I did. I saw it more than once. In fact, I rewound and rewatched that video so often I was worried it would wear out, hoping the entire time that Josiah’s spirit might come back to me in that very same way. But that was thirty years ago. Which must mean…
‘You’ve been here the whole time? Even when I couldn’t hear you?’
He nods, before the movement shifts into more of a shrug. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘not thewholetime.But when you’ve needed me.’ I just about see the small curve of his smile. ‘Like when you were sobbing so loudly over Demi Moore’s dead boyfriend that I could hear you from the other side.’
My brows pinch. I’m not sure I’m seeing the funny side of whatever’s going on, not to mention that I can’t help but feel upset I haven’t heard his voice in a while. Suddenly the roar of the sea feels like too much, and so I turn from the cliff edge and march back to the path.
Josiah… well, I assume Josiah floats after me. Nothing below his knees is visible, and from what I can see of his thighs, they don’t appear to be moving. Yet there he is, right next to me when I turn my head.
‘How are you here?’ I blurt out. It wasn’t intended to be an accusation, but it sounds like one. There’s more hurt in my tone than I expected, and I’m not sure if it’s because of him, or because of Quinn, or both.
‘I don’t know.’He shrugs, moonlight glinting off the slope of his shoulders.‘I only just discovered I could do this. Or that this happened, I mean. I’m not sure how much control I have here.’
‘Ok,’ I say, something sharp and bitter building at the base of my throat. ‘Thenwhyare you here? Why now, after you’ve been silent for days?’
I feel it again, the low swoop of my stomach, the way it drops to the floor when I remember the moment I listened out for him and heard nothing. It was like losing him all over again. His silence was an ache I felt in my bones.
‘Because you need me,’Josiah says softly. He reaches out a hand but lets it fall again, as if he’s remembered he can’t touch me anymore. I wonder if that slices at him in quite the same way as it does me.‘I was only here in the first place because I was so worried about you being alone. And now you’re alone again, but by choice this time.’
My brow snaps into a frown. ‘Not really bychoice.’
‘Ok.’He raises an eyebrow.‘So how is Quinn?’
My heart squeezes again, a fist clenching so tightly that I can barely move. HowisQuinn? That’s a question I’ve been too scared to ask, afraid of getting an answer that would break me into pieces. And yet here I am, breaking into pieces anyway.
‘You know,’Josiah says, his eyes darting out over the sea, opalescent where once they were a deep blue.‘When I first died, I was so angry. It wasn’t my time, I thought. I had years left. Years with you. I replayed that day over and over like a broken record, torturing myself with everything that happened, how unlucky I was to be caught in the collapse. But the more I saw, the longer I looked, I realised that it wasn’t luck at all. It was a choice.’
I turn to him, the sight of him blurred into a dim glow by the tears in my eyes. ‘I’m not following.’
He makes a small noise, a soft hum of reassurance.‘It wasmychoice. You told me it wasn’t safe, over and over, and I didn’t listen. I chose chasing my fortune over staying safe withyou.’He dips his chin, his eyes boring into mine.‘I did this to you, Florence, and you deserved better.’
‘Ilovedyou.’ I swipe at a teardrop swelling at my jaw. ‘I never stopped.’
Another hum, louder this time.‘I love you, too, and seeing you so alone all these years has broken my heart.’
He takes my hand as best he can, the cold air making goose bumps spread up the back of my arms.‘When I saw you with Quinn, that was the first time I felt like I could finally rest. Because nothing makes me feel more at peace than the knowledge that you could be loved the way he could love you.’There’s a gentle squeeze on my hands, and a simultaneous dimming of Josiah’s glow.‘Florence,’he says, his voice a little fainter but as insistent as he’s ever been.‘Let him.’
I shake my head furiously, my vision blurring until it’s all soft light and not much more. ‘I’m scared.’
‘I know.’I feel a brush of cold on one cheek, translucent fingers trying fruitlessly to gather another tear.‘But that just means he’s worth it.’I hear the small laugh he breathes out, and when I look back at him, he’s so faint I can only just see the curve of his smile.‘He’s not bad looking, either.’
I smile at his joke but it’s fleeting, the rush of fear through my body dampening every other emotion.
‘I can’t,’ I whisper, into the dark.
‘You can.’His voice is fainter still. He’s disappearing slowly in front of my eyes.‘You can do anything.’
I swallow past the knot in my throat. ‘But what if I lose him?’
A shrug.‘Haven’t you already lost him? What’s the difference?’And then he fades into almost blackness, a whispered‘Think about it,’the only thing I hear before he vanishes entirely.
But I don’t think about it. Not for any great length of time. When I act, it’s instinct, same as before. Before I know it, I’m running again. But this time I’m not running away from Quinn.
I’m heading right for him.
ChapterTwenty-Nine