‘Oh yeah?’ I try to catch my smile, but it can’t be contained. At the sight of it, Quinn smiles too, the first genuine smile I’ve seen on him since we met Albert.
He nods, slow and sure, and I trace along his cheekbone, fitting my fingertip into the hollow of his dimple.
‘I’m in love with you, too,’ I say, just loudly enough for him to hear it.
He blows a breath out, something between a smile and a laugh. ‘So much for not dating humans, eh?’
I shrug. ‘You’re only mostly human.’
He does the same little breath-laugh again, his eyelids half closing as he does. ‘I guess I am,’ he says, and then he pulls me back against him and his eyes flutter the rest of the way closed.
I don’t know how long I watch him sleep. It must be an hour, maybe more. I savour every slow breath, every subtle twitch of his muscles. It’s just as I’m watching the flicker of his eyelids that I feel the bite of cool air past my ear, and Josiah says…
My heart falls to my feet. Josiah says nothing.
I haven’t heard him since the other night– the night he asked if I wanted him to leave and I said yes. There’s been so much going on that I’m not sure I even noticed, and realising that makes my fallen heart shatter into thousands of pieces.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper out into the darkness, and still he doesn’t say anything.
I turn under the sheets and cry silent tears into the warmth of Quinn’s sleeping body, holding on as tightly as I can, like I’m grieving them both at once. These two men– the past and the present– who between them have taken every ounce of my heart.
Losing Josiah almost broke me. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if I lost Quinn too. But as I slip into a thick, dreamless sleep, I can’t get the idea out of my head.
* * *
When we wake up it’s light, that early morning brightness that casts the world in a strange hue, like you’re still trapped on the edges of sleep.
‘Hi,’ Quinn says as he rolls towards me, a small, sleepy smile brightening his face. He reaches for me and pulls me against him, his body soft and warm, pillow creases etched pink on his cheek. Something tugs at my chest, a line that draws me towards him. When I breathe him in, I find something new mingling in his scent.
I’ve smelled love before, occasionally, on some of my friends, but never like this. It’s stronger, bolder– sharper, perhaps– definitely more addictive. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and inhale shamelessly, until he laughs and rolls me onto my back, pinning my wrists above my head and pressing the weight of his body between my spread legs.
When he kisses me, it’s almost desperate, his mouth devouring, his free hand searching, and he pushes into me with a strangled noise that sets my skin on fire. I manage to pull one hand free and use it to grab a handful of his hair, pulling him into me, kissing him back like the world is ending.
When we pull back from each other afterwards, we’re both smiling. Real, honest smiles too, not the fragile things from last night. He’s feeling better, he must be.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I ask. ‘Yesterday, I mean.’
But he just shakes his head, his mess of waves falling into his eyes. ‘Not yet.’ He plants a kiss on my chin, another on my temple. ‘I think I need to work it all through in my head first.’
‘Ok.’
I turn my head as he aims a kiss for my cheek and catch it on my lips instead. He hums in surprise before grinning and going for another. ‘I’m here,’ I say, ‘when you’re ready.’
I almost tell him I’m not scared of what could happen, but I know that’s a lie. I can’t promise to be his rock; I’m not nearly steady enough myself. So I say nothing, and do the only thing that feels honest in this moment: I hope for the best and drag him back towards me for another kiss.
‘It’s ok,’ he says, against my mouth. ‘I’m young. There’s time to figure it out.’
And though it’s obvious he’s only feigning confidence, he’s right. Thereistime.
Until there isn’t.
ChapterTwenty-Six
FLORENCE
It starts like any other day.
I wake up in Quinn’s bed, and we have warm, lazy morning sex that I definitely don’t have time for before I get up and get ready for work. We’ve spent every night together since the day we went to see Albert– sometimes at my flat, sometimes at his. He watches me through one eye as I emerge from my shower and bounce around the bedroom, throwing my uniform on as quickly as I can and wrestling my still-damp hair into a messy bun.