Living the dream.
* * *
The following day, I wake up feeling dazed and confused. There’s a knock at the front door. I race over and yank it open.
‘Thank goodness,’ I cry. I am greeted by a smiling face, unfazed that I am wearing a hospital gown and have not been able to wash and condition my matted hair because CHAP 3 has barely left the bathroom. He is carrying a box of groceries. I step aside as he carries it inside and places it on the counter.
‘I’m Jake. Your runner.’
‘Thank you so much,’ I say gratefully. ‘I’ve been trapped here on my own for two days without food or water. Or clothes.’
‘I wondered why you hadn’t put in an order, so I took a guess at what you might need. I’ll add food and drinks to the list for next time. I’m the runner for six of the contestants in isolation, so I’m always around. Hortense, she should have told you about me?’ he asks.
‘Who?’
‘Hortense, your chaperone?’
‘Oh, her.’ I must sound deflated because he tuts.
‘Yep. She’s not the best chaperone. We get a lot of complaints about that one. Half French, half Mexican. It’s a fiery combination. We reckon she was born angry.’
Good lord.
‘She’s not even introduced herself properly. She’s… she’s in the bathroom. She’s been in there since I arrived. I’m not sure she’s very well, judging by the sounds she’s making.’
Right on cue, she makes a sound like a distressed cow giving birth to a calf that’s half its own size.
‘I mean, what if it’s not food poisoning and it’s contagious? How do I get in touch with you or the emergency services without my phone? Who is in charge of my welfare?’
His eyes grow wide with alarm. ‘I’ll ring it in. Thanks for letting me know. Okay, I’ll be off if there’s nothing else you need.’
He can’t get away fast enough.
‘Oh, there is one more thing that I need,’ I shout after him. ‘Would it be possible to get these clothes cleaned, please?’
‘Sure, no problem,’ he says, hesitantly coming back to take the bag of stained clothes from me. ‘I’ll get them back to you in a couple of days.’
‘And has there been any news from the airport about my luggage?’
He shakes his head. When he sees my distraught face, he says, ‘Don’t worry. It’ll turn up eventually.’
* * *
Once I’ve put the food away, made myself a steaming hot mug of coffee and some fruit and gluten-free granola for breakfast, I slip into my bikini and head out to the pool to read. This is more like it. I haven’t been on holiday for years so even being here, essentially alone, like I’m on a Trappist monk’s extreme intermittent-fasting retreat, feels nice.
After the whole morning reading and not a peep from my chaperone, Hortense, I find myself drifting off to sleep only to wake some moments later to the slamming of doors inside the villa and the sound of a car pulling up. I hurry inside, throwing the hospital gown over my tiny bikini, to see what’s going on. Hortense is green-faced and standing with her suitcase by the door.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask.
‘I’m off to a hotel. I think it is food poisoning from your sandwich, but the powers-that-be aren’t sure, and don’t want me to pass any bugs on to you,’ she says, sounding as though somehow it is my fault that her own sandwich has given her the shits. ‘And for you then to pass the bugs on inside theLove on the Islandvilla.’
‘So, I’m about to go in the villa? But what about my luggage?’ I try to hide my anxiety. ‘Will I be an original? One of the first contestants to go in?’ Lois has explained that it is vital to be on the show from the very beginning so that I can win over the general public with my girl-next-door vibes, which is also a significant factor when it comes to winning the show.
‘What did I say?’ she booms grumpily. ‘No questions about when or even if you’re going on the show!’
‘But who is going to look for my luggage? It has all of my outfits in. Who will look after me? I have no way of contacting Jake the runner because you haven’t given me my phone back or any information since the moment I arrived.’
‘Again. We’re not babysitters.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘We’re Emotional Support and Well-Being Officials. And FYI, there are more important things happening in the world than what outfits you are going to wear.’