Chapter 7
Ryan
Isaton my bike out in front of the Lewis family’s farmhouse, unable to bring myself to ring the doorbell. Nate was back living at home. We’d lost touch after the shit hit the fan with Cass all those years ago, but I kept tabs on him as best as I could. After failing out of Texas A&M, getting divorced, and losing his job a few years back, Nate’s twenties had sucked forsure.
Fuckit.
I shoved my cut into the saddlebag on my bike and smoothed out my gray flannel shirt. Mrs. Lewis had hated me when I was a punk kid, and I couldn’t image what she would think of me if she knew I was a jarhead turnedoutlaw.
I could hear her now: “You’re a general’s son—for Pete’s sake, act like it for once in your life.” It was her favorite thing to throw in my face. I knew I was a disappointment to my father and his legacy; I didn’t need to be constantly reminded of it by such a bitchy and bluntwoman.
I rang the doorbell and could feel my heart thumping in myears.
I let out a sigh of relief when Nathan was the one who answered thedoor.
“Hey, Nate.” I stood on their welcome mat, trying to do my best atsmiling.
He stood there staring at me for a few seconds then tried to slam the door in my face. I caught it just in time and forced myself in behindhim.
“Nate, talk to me. It’s been too long to still be pissed.” I tried to laugh a little. It was the worst reaction in the world, but I was nervous and didn’t know what else to do in thatmoment.
Nate turned slowly to look at me, seething. “You think I’m still mad about you and Cass? Fuck that shit. She’s grown and getting married. No, I’m pissed that my best friend ran out on me and didn’t have the decency to even remotely keep in touch. Not one call. Not one letter returned. It’s bad enough that you broke Cass’s heart, but to shut out everyone that ever cared about you like we meant nothing? That is some damn fucked up bull shit in mybook.”
“Dude, I’ve grown up. I’ve changed. I was a punk back then.” It was lame, but it was all I could say. I had been a shit friend for years. I hadn’t known how to act, hadn’t known how to handle my brother’s death. I certainly hadn’t known how to handle loving Cass. I hadn’t known how to handle Nate being mad at me for breaking his sister’s heart, so I’d done the only thing I could think of—Iran.
It wasn’t until I left the Marines and found the Unacceptables that I started to heal and become a real person again. Yes, I was a hardened soldier. Yes, I was a fucking badass with a gun and could kill a man with my bare hands. However, none of that made me a real man. That didn’t happen until I learned what true brotherhood and real love were. Abel and Crickett were the first to show it to me. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go, sending me to Buck because they knew he would be the best mentor for me. Crickett and Abel had been better to me than my parents everhad.
“Too little too late.” Nate’s cadaverous eyes sent daggers at me. He used to be a big linebacker-looking, chest always stuck out, beast of a dude, but standing in the foyer of his parents’ house, he looked deflated, sunken, shriveled. He couldn’t have been more than a buck-fifty soakingwet.
“Have one beer with me. Just one.” I dug the keys to my bike out of my pocket and started to head for thedoor.
“Have you seen Cass yet?” he asked, his feetrooted.
I looked over my shoulder at him. “She said I had to see you before she would talk tome.”
“All right. You have onebeer.”
* * *
Sittingon a barstool next to Nate was something I’d thought about time after time when we were in high school. We had snuck beers and talked my older brother into buying us booze for parties when we were younger, but Nate and I had never had a legal drink together until that very moment. The notion was so odd tome.
“So, you’re a biker now?” Nate thumbed the top of his beerbottle.
I adjusted my cut, which I had put back on before we went into the bar. “Yeah, a lot has changed since we werekids.”
“Fuck, you got thatright.”
“I know about Lana and shit. I’ve been keeping tabs on y’all since I left,” I divulged before ordering a shot ofwhiskey.
“Make that two, Fran.” Nate pointed to the shot glass that had just been put in front of me. He turned to face me. “So then why in the hell would you stayaway?”
“I just felt like I screwed everything up and didn’t deserve to be here anymore, not before I was something more than just a shell of a man.” It had taken a long time for me to admit that shit to myself, and I couldn’t believe I was confessing it toNate.
“Look man, shit hit the fan. I was pissed that you broke my sister’s heart, but we could have gotten past it all.” Nate threw back his shot and sucked in hard with grittedteeth.
“It wasn’t Cass. It wasn’t even you. It was me. I was too broken to see through any of the shit. I was weak and a damncoward.”
“At least you’re here now.” Nate ordered us another round and we talked about the last ten years. He told me about how his wife had cheated, how his boss had been laundering money through the business and it had gone belly up, and how school had just never feltright.
For years, I had felt sorry for Nate. I’d pegged him as just screwing up left and right, never getting his life on track. From a distance, I related to it in so many ways, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He had been dicked over and dealt a bad hand at every turn. In reality, he was smart, prideful, andpersevering.
“I have to say, I’m proud of you.” I tapped the top of my third beer bottle to the neck ofhis.
He shrugged. “Don’t got much to show for mylife.”
“You have your dignity and pride. You could have stayed in a loveless marriage, not stood up to that crook of a boss, or forced yourself to get a degree just for the piece of paper, but you didn’t. You did what you needed to do to stay true to yourself. I don’t know many people who have actually done that.” I felt like a sap, but who fucking cares? It was high time to not worry about sounding like a pussy or a dick and just say what needed to besaid.
“Cameron was like that. He would have done what I did.” Hearing my brother’s name was bittersweet. It had been years since I’d sat with anyone who knew Cam, much less had the balls to bring him up aroundme.
“Yeah, you’reright.