Learning a person’s habits and voice so well that even without looking you know what they’re thinking, feeling.
A thought strikes me, hard enough that I have to suck in a shaky breath, but when I release it, slowly, I know it’s time. I know I’m safe enough with Noah to finally tell him—tellsomeone.
“I’ve been pretty much alone since I graduated from college,” I start out, my voice low and even. I don’t want him to pity me—I’ve made a great life for myself—that’s not the point of telling him.
The point is to have him understand me, understand how important he is to me.
“When I was about to graduate, my father passed away, and like I told you before, I was set to work for the family company. I knew my brother would take over, he’d been working there for a few years already, and I was honestly fine with having him lead. But then Harry realized one of our one-night stands got pregnant, and the baby was his. He got married, and Theo’s mother told him he couldn’t see me anymore. It was tough for me, back then. I understand now why Harry agreed, even if he didn’t want to cut ties with me. He was going to be a father, and he wanted to give his child the best family he could. Back then, though, I was heartbroken.”
I feel him shift, but I don’t want him to miss the sunset, or maybe I just don’t want him looking at me, I’m not sure, but I strengthen my hold on him and keep talking. I just have to get it all out now.
“Not because I wasinlove with Harry, don’t misunderstand, but he was my best friend along with Gab. We’d fooled around almost since we first met, had countless threesomes, the most typical behavior from two stupid rich boys, I suppose, and it was harmless overall.” I make a mental note to someday tell Noah the funniest of those stories, but it doesn’t feel right to bring them up now. “In any case, I was heartbroken, and I went to my family’s home and commiserated with my brother over many glasses of whiskey.
“The next day, when I woke up feeling somehow even worse, he said he couldn’t have a deviant representing the family name and that I was no longer welcome at his home or his company.”
“Chase,” Noah whispers, and he wiggles around faster than I can react and wraps his arms around my neck in an embrace that feels like love. “That’s awful.” He keeps talking low, right by my ear now. “I’m so sorry your brother’s such a bloody twat.”
I huff out a weak laugh.
“Seriously,” he continues and leans back to look at me. “What kind of asshole does that? Your dad had just passed, your bestfriend had basically dumped you, and then he just kicks you out? Please tell me he’s dead in a ditch somewhere or something?”
This time my chuckle is more lively.
“He’s not,” I admit. “He’s grown the family company, and last time I checked, which was about a decade ago, he had two perfect children and was happily married.”
The sorrow that fills me at the thought of the nephews I’m not allowed to know is probably the harshest pain I’ve ever known, and it never loses its sting.
“I called him then, wanted to meet them, and he told me if I came to their home, he’d get a restraining order against me and smear my name to the media.”
“Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him?”
I let out a sigh, and no longer able to take the eye contact, look over his shoulder at the lowering sun. The perfect unpredictability of the ocean always helps soothe something in me.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m not sure if I’m the outlier and we were raised that way. Sometimes I have to search for pictures because I can’t remember what my father looked like, so I don’t know if he taught us to think like that, like homophobic bigots.”
I gather all my willpower and turn to look at him again, smile as big as I can—which isn’t much, but it’s something.
“The point is that I’ve been alone for a long time now, and with you I don’t feel alone anymore, Noah. You’re a special man. Your determination and passion kind of brought light back into my life, and I never want it to go away. I don’t want this, us, to end.
“I just want you to know that this is serious for me, our relationship. I love having you at home, at the office, here on the yacht, anywhere. I want to take you to every place I’ve visited so that I can experience it again through your eyes. I want to spend every day with you.
“And I know that might be a lot right now, for a relationship that hasn’t been official for even two months, but I just need you to know that I want you with me always. Hell.” I let out a huff. “I’d ask you to move in right now if I thought you’d say yes.”
“Chase,” he whispers, but then stays quiet for a long moment.
I don’t blame him for not knowing what to say. I just dumped a lot on him, and I know he likes to think things through, that he takes his time so he doesn’t say anything he’ll regret.
He’s thoughtful, so goddamn thoughtful, and I could beg at his feet for him to think about me, but I think he already does—miraculously.
“This is also serious for me,” he says after a few long moments. “I want us to get there, to a point where we move in together and finish merging our lives. But I also want to just enjoy dating you. Which I know we haven’t really done because of me. I know it’s my fault, I know you tried, and I’m sorry, darling.” He nuzzles at my nose sweetly.
“We’ve talked about it, we’re past that,” I assure him. “But I’d love for you to take me out on a date,” I say teasingly, and finally fuse our lips together again.
We kiss long after the sun has fully set, and only separate when one of the crewmen has to awkwardly clear his throat to tell us we’ll be docking soon.
I squeeze Noah’s hand as we walk off the yacht, catching his wistful, almost regretful look back.
“We can come back for another trip whenever you want, sweetheart,” I reassure him.