There’s noborderlineanymore, we’re officially having a screaming match while the crew try to pretend they’re not listening, while they stow away the buoys and lines, while the pier gets farther and farther away.
“I’m not established, I still have a long way to go, and spending a week lounging around isn’t something I can afford. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get off this damn boat now.”
“Good luck with that,” I say, my tone harder than before, but I can’t seem to keep my cool anymore. “You’ll have a long way to swim,” I point out, and gesture behind him.
The look on his face when he sees we’re a good thirty yardsaway from the docks is priceless, and I’d probably laugh at any other point in time.
“Tell them to turn this thing around,” he demands when he whirls back around.
“No.”
“No?” he shouts. “You can’t keep me prisoner.”
“Of course I’m not keeping you prisoner, Noah.” I sigh and rub a hand down my face. “If you want to go back after we’ve had an actual, logical conversation, then of course I’ll take you back.”
“There’s nothing logical about this!” he screams now, and I know I have to slow things down or he might actually jump ship and swim back.
“Look, Noah. The way you’re going aboutestablishingyourself, is only going to lead to an early grave. Youpassed outlast night, for fuck’s sake!”
I pause, to take a breath, to be able to speak clearly and compassionately again. The fear that I might not get through to him wants to close up my throat, but I swallow hard and move forward.
“I barely had time to catch you before you hit the ground. I didn’t even realize you were falling and then you were just unconscious. You could’ve seriously hurt yourself. What if you’d been on the Tube on your way home? Or alone at the office, huh? What kind of damage do you think you could’ve done to yourself?”
He doesn’t have a comeback for that, he just turns and looks at the water behind us.
I take one more—tentative—step forward and lower my voice even more.
“I know your agency is very important to you, as it should be. It’s probably the most important thing right now.”
“That’s right,” he says with a clipped tone and a sharp nod, clearly getting some of his indignant air back, but I don’t let that deter me.
“And I’m not saying it shouldn’t be near the top of your list of priorities, but it can’t go above your health. You have to look out for yourself if you ever want to enjoy the fruits of your labor, sweetheart.”
He looks at me again at that, and a new tightness around his eyes is the only indication that he’s back in fighting mode, but this time there’s something different in his eyes.
“There will be no fruits if I don’t make sure it’s a success, Chase,” he snaps, and it becomes clear then, what that tightness means... He’s scared. I’m not sure of what yet, or why exactly, but knowing it means I lose all willingness to fight him. I’ll fight that fear, but not him. “Ellington Literaryhasto be a success. It just has to, because the alternative is that I’m wasting everything you’ve put into it. That I disappoint you, that I never get to be as successful as y?—”
He doesn’t have to finish for both of us to know what he was about to say. With shocked, fearful eyes and a slightly open mouth, Noah freezes on the spot, and my heart breaks for him.
I have no idea what I can possibly say or do to reassure him, to explain... to make sure he somehow manages his expectations without being a condescending asshole.
I think he surprised himself as much as me, so I know I won’t have the right words, not right now, but I can try. Ihaveto try.
“I didn’t know you were feeling pressured by me, sweetheart. I’m sorry, that was never my intention.”
“No, you didn’t—” He stops himself to curse under his breath and shakes his head.
He looks so lost, so disheartened, I have to reach forward, I have to...
But he still looks like he might fight me if I do, so I just grab his hand.
“What I wanted to do by investing in your agency is show you the potential I believe you have. I wanted to make sure you had the right space to find out just how amazing you are at what you do. But Noah, sweetheart...” I swallow quickly before just telling myself tosay it, say it and explain quickly so he doesn’t take it the wrong way. “A literary agency could never be as successful as Knight-In, at least not in company value or annual earnings. That’s not the purpose of it, and it shouldn’t be. We’re in two different businesses and have different objectives. A small, boutique agency that takes care of its clients can be very successful. I believe it. I believe inyou.”
He opens and closes his mouth a few times until finally settling for a deep breath.
I hold my own, waiting to hear how I’m an asshole and he never wants to talk to me again, but instead he squeezes my hand back.
“I know that,” he whispers.