I scraped my spoon around the bottom of the dish, careful not to waste a delicious morsel. “Because it shows he cares. If he didn’t, he’d be ambivalent. I’m telling you, Max, he’s going to come around.”
“Or stab you.” Max smiled at the waiter in thanks as a bottle of beer was put before him. “If he does, I’ll have to help him dispose of the body. Figure I owe him that much.”
“About that…” I pushed my sadly empty bowl to the side. “Why haven’t you spoken to Ryan yet?”
“I spoke to him at his stag do,” he said carefully.
“Cut the bullshit,” I said bluntly. “You know what I mean. I’m not the only who needs to apologise. Nor am I the only one who wants to fix his relationship with Ryan. Don’t sit there and pretend otherwise.”
“I’m not.” Max rubbed at the back of his neck. “Honestly, I know I need to have a conversation with him, but I thought maybe it was best to let you have a shot first. It’s more important that shit gets sorted with you than me.”
“Your relationship with him is important too.”
“True, but I’m not going to burn down the entire world if he doesn’t let me back into his life.”
“I’m notthatdramatic.”
Max gave me a pointed look. “Yeah. You are.”
I considered it. “Fair.”
“I get it though.” Max traced lines in the condensation of his bottle. “If I loved someone the way you love Ryan, I wouldn’t give it up either.”
“Your person’s out there,” I said. Max had had many girlfriends over the years, but none of them had ever lasted. “You just need to find them.”
“Nah.” Max shook his head ruefully. “They’re not, and that’s okay. I don’t think I fancy the kind of love you’ve found.”
“Why not?”
He tilted his head to the side. “Dominic, you’ve spent the last decade in agony. Desperately missing someone but too afraid to pick up the phone. Now you’ve finally made your move, and it’s too late. He’s marrying someone else. You think that’s something I want to subject myself to?”
I glowered at the mention of Ryan’s engagement. “He’s not married yet.”
“But he will be. You think it’s okay, what you’re doing?”
“I know it’s not,” I fired back hotly, running my hand through my hair. “I know, okay? I’m behaving like a toxic fucking wanker. But you know what? I don’t fucking care. I don’t. Because I’ll debase myself over and over again if that’s what it takes. I’ll ignore my moral compass, everything society tells me I should be doing, if it gives me even the slimmest chance of getting Ryan back in my life.”
“And if he truly doesn’t want you back?”
I thought about the pain I’d glimpsed when he told me to move on. The jealous way he’d glared at Taff’s hand on my shoulder. “He doesn’t, but he will. He still loves me, and that’s enough.”
“Loves or hates you?”
“Loves.” I drummed my fingers on the table. “He got really upset when Taff told him I’d saved his life.”
Max snorted. “Trust Taff. One tiny heroic moment and he forgets all the bullshit you’ve pulled over the years.”
“Right?” I waved my hand in frustration. “Fuckerkeeps looking at me like I’m some kind of martyr, as if he wouldn’t have done the same thing in my situation.”
“It’s alright, it didn’t change my opinion of you. I still think you’re a prick.”
Max and I shared a brief smile. This was why he was in my life. Things weren’t the same between us, and they never would be again, but I loved the fucker.
Platonically, of course.
“Why d’you think Ryan got upset?” Max said. “Because you nearly died?”
“Maybe…” I said slowly, going over it in my mind. “But I got the impression it was more that I nearly died for someone else. Or that I was in that situation in the first place.”