My jaw dropped as I was rendered completely speechless.
“Dom wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to die without making things right,” Max said quietly. “I’m glad I’ve been able to do it in person.”
27
Ryan
My throat was thick as I carefully peeled the elastic band off the letters. I didn’t need to rifle through to find the oldest—the yellowing of the top envelope told me it was that one.
Dom’s handwriting was scrawled over the front in a single word.
Shadow.
I didn’t let myself question it, just ripped into the envelope and carefully unfolded the paper.
Shadow,
They’ve told us we have to write these letters home in case we’re killed in action. Most of the lads are bitching about it being too morbid. But I’m glad we’ve been made to do this. I’d be stupid to not accept that this might be a possibility. That I might not walk out of the plane, but be carried outin a coffin draped with a flag. I knew that the day I signed up.
But I didn’t know then what you’d come to mean to me. I didn’t have much to live for when I joined. Only Max. It wasn’t that I was suicidal. I wasn’t. But I was reckless. I didn’t give a shit what the outcome would be, just that it was a chance to get away from there.
I don’t want to be reckless now. Not if it costs me the chance to make things right with you. I finally have something to live for. Someone to get home to.
The thought that you might not be happy to see me… I can’t let myself think about it too much. I’ll go crazy if I do.
My breath hitched at that. At the knowledge that his fear had come true.
I hadn’t been happy to see him.
At least, if the worst does happen, you’ll get this letter. It’s not the same as me getting to see you again, but maybe that’ll be my punishment. Karma for lying to you. For leaving you. For destroying your trust. For breaking both our hearts.
I’m sorry, Shadow. Please know that. I never should have lied to you. I shouldn’t have told Max about us. I should’ve been upfront with you about my plans from the start.
It’s been eight months since that night, and I still see you every time I close my eyes, exactly as you were then. Your green Caffeine Daydreams shirt, clinging to your skin thanks to the rain. The faded blue jeans you love so much, even though they’ve got so many holes in that you can barely class them as trousers now.
Most of all, I can see your face. The utter betrayal that my actions put there. How your chest heaved as you shouted.
And, god, the tears. I made you cry.
I wish I could forget that the most. But I can’t. I don’t think I ever will.
What’s killed me more than anything is not speaking to you. I threw my phone away the night we left. I didn’t trust myself not to contact you and prolong the pain of me leaving. It’s why I haven’t asked Max for your number.I know I’ll end up using it.
Part of me wonders if it’d be easier if I knew more about what you were up to. All I know is that you’re at York University. That you didn’t choose art.
I kind of wish I didn’t know that. Why aren’t you pursuing your dreams, Ry? You need to do what makes you happiest. If I’ve learned one thing over the past few months, it’s that. Our time here is short, and anything but guaranteed. However you spend yours, I hope it’s doing what makes you feel truly happy andfulfilled.
A tear splashed on the page. I wiped my eyes hurriedly, not wanting to smear the ink.
All this time, he’d wanted me to be happy. Happy and fulfilled with my life.
I didn’t think I was either of those things. Not truly.
I love you, Shadow. You’re part of me now. You don’t just own my heart, you are my heart. I’m sorry for everything that happened. The way I acted will haunt me until my dying day.
And if that day comes too soon, at least I know you’ll get this letter. That you’ll know how much I loved you.
Because I do. I love you, Shadow. You, not Max. You’re the one I go to sleep thinking about. The first person on my mind when I wake up. You haunt every conversation, every choice I make. There’s not a moment when I’m not wishing I could hear your voice or see your smile.