“Yeah,” I said hollowly. I’d said I didn’t want to see anyone, but Max… Maybe he wouldn’t have been too bad. Having his perspective on this situation might be a good thing. He might not have been part of my life for a long time, but he’d been part of Dominic’s. “I guess.”
“Come on.” Xander shoved a gaming controller into my hand. “Let’s play and pretend that you don’t have less than forty-eight hours to make the biggest decision of your life.”
“Just keep breathing,”Xander said as he unzipped the suit bag. “In. Out.”
He’d been repeating that phrase a lot over the past hour. Probably because I kept swaying on the spot and randomly hyperventilating. The mirror in the overly fancy hotel bathroom informed me that I was an unhealthy shade of green. The massive bags under my eyes were likely also contributing to Xander’s mother hen behaviour.
“I can’t do this,” I murmured as my suit came into view.
“Do what?” Xander lifted it out and hung it on thefront of the wardrobe. “I didn’t realise you’d made a decision.”
That was because I hadn’t. It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about it. I’d done nothingbutthink about this since the second Dom walked out of my flat. But even with my wedding mere hours away, I was no closer to a decision.
Whatever I chose, I was going to hurt someone. I was going to break someone’s heart.
Maybe I wouldn’t need to choose. Once I told Kate what had happened between me and Dom, she might be the one to end things. Really, that’d be the best outcome.
Coward.
I exhaled. My inner voice was right. I was being a fucking coward.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly.
Xander nodded, continuing to move around the room. “I know, mate. But until you do, I’ll keep preparing for all eventualities.”
Tears welled in my eyes as I grabbed his arm. “You really are the best. You know that, right?”
He squeezed my hand. “I know.”
I gave a weak laugh. “Always humble.”
He gripped my shoulder as another wave of dizziness washed over me. “Do me a favour and sit down before you collapse.”
“Not going to collapse,” I muttered, sitting all the same. “I just don’t feel right.”
Xander gave me a bottle of water before crouching in front of me. “Okay, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we kind of have to now.”
I sipped the cool water and winced. “We do?”
“Yup. Because I am the best, and I want what’s best for you. You can’t keep burying your head in the sand about it, Ryan.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just don’t know what I want.”
“Yes, you do. You want to be with Dominic.”
I drank some more water, my mouth suddenly dry.
“Don’t try and deny it,” Xander said warningly. “It’s always been him. Even back when you were heartbroken and hating him, you still loved him.”
“I won’t deny that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I thought about how to articulate it. The fear. The frustration. “I do love him, but what if that’s not enough?”
“What do you mean?”
“He left me once,” I whispered. “Kept me in the dark about his plans, then vanished into the night. I didn’t hear from him for ten fucking years, Xan. He says he thought about me, but what proof do I have of that?”