He’s still real. Still alive. He still matters.
Lucas’s sadness comes in the form of silence but once I realized that, I made it my mission to never let him live alone in it.
He was there for me when I was constantly anxious about my strenuous and unnecessarily long interview period. And then he was the first person I told when I got the call from Kimberly herself, offering me the job that I’ll start when we get back to New York.
Vanessa sighs, continuing. “We’re just happy that he has you now too.”
We come to a stop, now at her and her parents’ cars. Everyone starts to throw things into either trunk and pile in. After helping to get the ice chest into his dad’s trunk, Lucas walks up to me and Vanessa.
He tugs on Vanessa’s ear and she swats his hand away. Their playfulness reminds me I need to get on a call with Bethany and Sarah tonight.
Sarah’s back in Philadelphia with Keaton and her family while Bethany is visiting family in Japan.
“I’m gonna go ask Mom where she wants to get dinner.” Vanessa walks toward her parents’ car, her arm coming up to rest around London’s frame, who’s trying to negotiate with her mom about going to some end of the summer party with her friends.
Lucas reaches for the bag on my shoulder, pulling out his shirt and sneakers. He slips his shirt back on and I watch as he leans against the side of Vanessa’s car to wipe off sand from his feet and put his socks and shoes on.
I gently brush sand away from his cheek, causing him to look up at me, a gentle smile on his face but it quickly falls when he apparently sees something in my expression I didn’t mean to show.
“You good?” He stands back up, stepping closer.
I quickly nod my head, hands coming to rest on his forearms. He studies me for a moment before placing a kiss on my forehead.
Slowly trying to learn to not always keep things locked up, I sigh. “Are you happy? In New York?”
With me?
I know how ridiculous it sounds. The guy has my name tattooed on his body for christ’s sake. It’s not a question whether Lucas loves me or not. He’s never tried to hide it. It’s never been about Lucas’s feelings for me, it’s how long it’ll all last.
What part of me is he going to see that’ll make him decide I’m not worth sticking around for?
Lucas pulls away slightly, his head tilted to the side, as if the question itself doesn’t make sense. “Yeah, why?”
“No reason.” I shrug my shoulders. “I just thought that maybe coming back home would make you realize that…you’re happier here.”
Maybe he’s realized that I’m too much and he can’t handle me. That these past few months were a distraction for him and when the season starts back up, he’ll be too busy.
It’s not like I need him attached to my hip. I’ll have my own things going on with classes and teaching but I’m terrified of feeling him pull away. I don’t want to lose another thing I care about. I just got ballet back, I don’t think I can stomach losing Lucas.
Lucas pulls me into him, arms wrapping around me and chin resting on the top of my head. “I’m happy in different ways. Here, it feels like time never changed. It feels hopeful and nostalgic. But back in New York? Sure, it’s sometimes stressful. Sometimes I miss my family more than I know what to do with.”
He pulls away, tugging me with him so that we’re behind Vanessa’s car and not in direct line of sight of his family.
“I always thought that being back here was the only place that I could ever be myself. The only small space in this world where I didn’t feel the need to pretend.” He brings his hands up to my cheeks, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips.
“But now?” He smiles at me. “I think I’m good right where I am in New York.”
“Really?” I ask because the thought of Lucas not being happy where he is gnaws at my chest and the feeling burrows under my skin.
Lucas nods, certain. “Really. Like I told you before, you’re stuck with me, Stryker.”
This time I’m the one to wrap my arms around him, burying my face into his chest. His arms tighten around me like there’s a silent promise between us that he’s sealing in stone and planning to keep.
And I squeeze him back tighter, letting him know more than anything that him sticking around is what I want. He worked his way into my heart and I plan on keeping him there.
The crashing of the waves against the shore becomes distant. His family’s chaos wraps comfortably around us and the sand sticking to my skin is no longer of that much concern.
I let my world in this moment revolve around nothing but Lucas. The smell of sunscreen on his skin. The way his arms wrap around me like he’s never once questioned if I belonged there.