Lucas guides me back to the rental counter where we switch into our own shoes before heading out the back door, leading to the alleyway.
It’s quieter back here. The music from inside is muffled. We’re completely tucked away from the world right now.
Lucas leans against the brick wall, his attention already completely on me. I used to hate how easy it seemed for him to give me his attention. Now I can’t help but want it all.
“How’d you know I was supposed to be here on a date?” He doesn’t hesitate to ask and because I don’t want to waste the time he’s given me, I don’t hold back my answer.
“I asked Preston.”
He arches his eyebrow, amused. “I don’t know whether I’m more shocked over you asking or that Pres actually told you the truth.”
“Well, I did have to work for it a little bit,” I admit.
I chew on my bottom lip, now finding it hard to meet Lucas’s eyes. This isn’t the time for me to become unsure but I’m scared of how this is going to go. I don’t think Lucas would ever tell me to get lost, like I apparently had no problem doing to him but I’m scared of messing this up even more. I don’t want to say the wrong thing again and push Lucas away for good.
“So.” The word drags. “Where is she? Your date?”
Lucas shrugs. “According to Kiara, bowling is immature and not appropriate for a first date.”
“She ditched you?”
I don’t love the idea of Lucas being with another girl but I also hate him being stood up. He deserves the world. I can only hope he’ll let me give him as much as I can.
Lucas shakes his head, looking nonchalant. “It’s fine. She’s the one that asked me out anyways. I only agreed because I figured…” He laughs, unhumorously. “I figured it was about time I stopped following you around.”
No. I want to blurt out the word. Tell him my days have been almost colorless without him there. Admit that I’ve always loved seeing him around, just knowing he was close by.
I just need to tell him everything. No more pretending or pushing him away. Just me, him, and all I’ve been feeling since we met.
“I didn’t mean what I said.” I take a step closer.
He teases. “About me being a surprisingly good bowler?”
“No.” I playfully roll my eyes. “About me having to pretend I want more from you to make you feel better.”
“Oh.” He nods. “Yeah that was kind of a dick move, Stryker.”
“I know,” I groan, resting my head against the wall. “That’s why I knew I had to come and apologize and…” I hesitate, the urge to retreat quickly coming on so to fight it, I take one big step so that now Lucas and I are standing right in front of each other. Close enough to feel the warmth radiating off his body.
The dim streetlights make it hard to see more than just his silhouette but even in the dark, I can feel the way his eyes gently rest on me. The kind of softness I’m learning to let myself have.
My voice is barely above a whisper. “I’m not saying that I think I’m better for you than someone else but I am asking you if there’s a chance that you still want me. Fucked up and all.”
He’s silent for a moment but then he runs the tips of his fingers down my shoulder and to my hand, hooking his index finger with mine. “And if I did?”
“Then I’d say I want you too.”
“Really?” he asks, surprised, and I hate that he has to question something like that. That I ever made him feel like he had to.
“Yes, Lucas. Really,” I admit. “I just—I didn’t know how to let you in without feeling like I needed to push you away after. But if you’ll still have me, I promise I’ll make it up to you every second of every day.”
“You don’t have to let me in all at once, Stryker. I’m willing to go at your pace.” His forehead rests against mine. “And you don’t have to make it up to me every second. I’ll accept like half of the day spent with you begging for my forgiveness,” he teases.
I shove at his chest. “I don’t beg.”
“Really?” He cocks his eyebrow, his chest now pressed up against mine. “Because I have a different recollection.”
“Like you’ve never begged before, Callahan.”